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I know I'm not the first one to experience this, my Wife and I spent 18 years together, 10 of those were not married, but we lived together. I recently found out she is chatting online with some guy she met online via Instagram, she was being very shady about it, wasn't changing her ways or not saying "I Love You", though our relationship has had a rough road the past 4 years, a few deaths in the family, we relocated from Florida to California for my career. We have not been intimate, that is no sex for 5 years, we have been sleeping in different beds due to my work schedule and combined snoring issues and getting good sleep. It wasn't always this way.
Yet we still were friends, did things together and went out and to places. We hugged and kissed, just not like it was earlier. I was trying to give her space, after a tragic death in the family, I tried to be intimate but she wasnt' interested, so I backed off and gave her space. She didn't like me talking about work problems and money issues, she said I wasnt' romantic anymore but that can go against her as well. I thought things would work out, but a few fights and her attitude said otherwise. I also told her myself, I cannot keep doing this out of anger.
We have had some fights, it started to appear like were not meshing, on top of it financial issues have always been an issue, my Wife couldn't not hold down a good job and was out of the job market for a very long time, so I was carrying everything, car payments, rent, food and spending money and it's not like I budgeted her $20 a week for personal items, I made sure she was happy, handbags, clothes, make-up and etc. I also got her a new car when she needed one. Yet she made some comment that I only thought of myself.
Back to what happened, I knew she was up to something when I checked the Browser History I saw some chat apps and searches for things that were not right. She also has a habit of scribbling down stuff on paper and printing out e-mails, I found a pile of those and the person she was talking to didn't have good grammar and was using words to manipulate her, I was thinking she was getting herself into trouble, she also supposedly talked to this guy on the phone, but not when I was around. She also changed all her passwords since they were auto loading, which was another red flag. She was typing sexual notes and I don't know if she e-mailed those, but she was talking like she was delusional, like she was living a fantasy.
She did this once before in 2008, but changed her mind on going through with it and we stayed together. I guess though I'm getting what I deserve here because I met her online when she was in a relationship with another guy that she wasn't happy with it, but they were not married and never were, she came from a long term relationship with baggage that I had to deal with. She broke up with me 8 months after we moved in together because she was having difficult times in living with what she did to her previous boyfriend, she was broke, no job and would have been homeless, I gave a it a month and we reconnected and she moved in with me this time. All seemed to work out after that and we got married.
So I guess it's easy for her to be this way, when I confronted her, she got very defensive and knew she was caught, I pressed her for answers more so on who is this person and where do they live, she wouldn't tell me said it doesn't matter just that he lives in CA, we got in a shouting match and she left, I later found out she was out sitting in some shopping mall talking to this guy on the phone, because I sent her a text and she gave me a one liner "I'm on the phone", guess you can see how important I am. She uses her phone now more than ever and can be descrete and secretive, knows I don't have access to it.
I said to her flat out, that we both do not share the same values and I would never, ever do this to you, if I wasn't happy in our relationship, that is bring another woman into the mix.
I talked to her about getting marriage counseling and know I'm not perfect nor is she. It was a futile conversation and she just acted like she did not care about my feelings, she was not crying or upset, which is totally out of character for her.
The following day, I have given her the silent treatment, no talking no eye contact, I left for the day to get out and didn't say where I was going. I returned and she was home, I did not say anything and nor has she. I dont' feel a need to talk anymore, her mind is made up obviously and she is living this fantasy with some stranger she just met like he is going to be Romeo, granted it look a lot longer for us to become romantic, 6+ months and she lied to me about being in a relationship, I found out 5 months in and almost pulled the plug, so there goes those lying ways.
I'm just in a state of shock that she can be so cold to me and do this, I can see relationships don't work out, divorces are common, but to be sitting at home chatting with some stranger while I'm at work and being cunning about it speaks in volumes on her character. I also read that it is a form of cheating, infidelity even without there being any physical contact between them. I also dont' know what her plans are, she talked about getting her own place which she cannot afford at all. I told her she can stay with me till she get's her feet on the ground, but I know that won't happen and she cannot move in with this guy because we are still married, I believe there are issues if she does that.
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money, but I know how expensive it is to file divorce in CA and she won't pay for it. I don't forsee this being done and over in 6 to 12 months. I didn't sleep the night after I found this out, I have been holding back tears and emotions on our life and memories and cannot believe she did this about face zfg thing with me.
I guess I have to accept reality in life. The issue is, outside of work I don't know anyone here nor do I have any family nearby. She is in the same boat, but obviously the thought of hooking up with his new guy erased those thoughts from her mind.
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money, but I know how expensive it is to file divorce in CA and she won't pay for it. I don't forsee this being done and over in 6 to 12 months.
Why not? If she wants the divorce and no alimony or money then it should be over in 6 months in CA. I really don't think you should hang onto this.
If you and your wife could go 10 years without commitment, why would you think the other 8 years would be committed either?
My bet is, she went 9 years looking for someone more suitable, but did not find him, so she gave up and married you.
You have a bad picker, OP.
Go out and find a woman who values YOU. Good riddance.
She may say now she doesn't want anything from you, but that tune may change. She should know though that she will be responsible for 1/2 of all marital debt. BTW--I wouldn't tell her about the "issues" if she moves in with him while married. (FYI--I don't know this to be fact in CA). Let her make the mistake.
It won't make you feel better, but she wasn't being particularly clever. Her actions are those of most others cheating online. It's just shocking to learn. This is infidelity.
My first thought is this guy is looking for a Sugar Mama. He's going to be really surprised when he finds out she doesn't work and hasn't had sex with her husband for years.
Why not? If she wants the divorce and no alimony or money then it should be over in 6 months in CA. I really don't think you should hang onto this.
I read it's up to the judge, but I need to consult a lawyer, there is a 10 year rule here, we are only 8 years so I may not get stuck with the tab too long.
Also I read that if the courts know she was chatting and/or moves in with this guy because she cannot afford a place, that is also a big negative.
I'm sorry to hear this, and that she's ready to throw in the towel without any couples counseling, or without telling you years ago, that she wasn't happy and why, to give you a chance.
If you and your wife could go 10 years without commitment, why would you think the other 8 years would be committed either?
My bet is, she went 9 years looking for someone more suitable, but did not find him, so she gave up and married you.
You have a bad picker, OP.
Go out and find a woman who values YOU. Good riddance.
Possibly, I think she is bi-polar, which may explain the thinking. She use to cry a lot, when we broke up the first time after less than a year, she was in tears and cried a lot over things, but as of late she doesn't seem to show much emotion.
I think I'll stay single for a while, not rushing into anything after this, but thanks for the post.
I read it's up to the judge, but I need to consult a lawyer, there is a 10 year rule here, we are only 8 years so I may not get stuck with the tab too long.
Don't let "Divorce" scare you into staying with this woman. It really is not that bad and in your case, if she's not asking you for anything, it can't get any easier than that. You really need to let her go now that she thinks she's going to be "saved" by Mr. Internet. And for heaven's sake PLEASE don't take her back if once she realizes that Mr. Internet is not her savior, she comes running back to you. Please take this opportunity to get away from this women and move on with your life without the dead weight.
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Also I read that if the courts know she was chatting and/or moves in with this guy because she cannot afford a place, that is also a big negative.
She may say now she doesn't want anything from you, but that tune may change. She should know though that she will be responsible for 1/2 of all marital debt. BTW--I wouldn't tell her about the "issues" if she moves in with him while married. (FYI--I don't know this to be fact in CA). Let her make the mistake.
It won't make you feel better, but she wasn't being particularly clever. Her actions are those of most others cheating online. It's just shocking to learn. This is infidelity.
My first thought is this guy is looking for a Sugar Mama. He's going to be really surprised when he finds out she doesn't work and hasn't had sex with her husband for years.
Sorry this is happening to you.
I thought the same thing, but she must think her her head she can pull this off and that this guy she is chatting with is going to be as giving as me.
Seeing she has no income and no savings, I don't know how it will pan out. I'm not going to educate her, because she is already steering the boat down the wrong river with talking to this guy from our house, when I'm not here and I think she even is now chatting with him on her phone in the other room. I want to go postal, but I can't.
She said the guy is around the same age as her, but is not giving out details, very shady and out of character, but she did this before but not like this.
Not only the no working and no sex, she doesn't cook anymore, this all ended a few years ago, so I have to bring home takeaway or she makes microwaveables, which wasn't the case prior. I also have to do housework that she is no longer doing, because she is too busy sitting on the computer all day doing things like this.
It feels like a nightmare, I have to see my way through this some how. She doesn't seem concerned if I'll do something bad to myself, not that I will. This too is not normal for her, it's like she cracked.
I read it's up to the judge, but I need to consult a lawyer, there is a 10 year rule here, we are only 8 years so I may not get stuck with the tab too long.
Also I read that if the courts know she was chatting and/or moves in with this guy because she cannot afford a place, that is also a big negative.
Yes, consult an attorney now to learn just what your rights are, what comes next, what to expect in the end.
Sorry you're dealing with this...been there.
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