Wife in Emotional and possibly Physical Relation with a Friend [MERGED] (Asian, how to)

[indca]

Hello there Guys;
Sorry for this Strong thread in the first Message on this Forum, but I am in great dilemma and confusion over what is it that my Next Action Should be.

Background:
I am living in Canada and I am from South Asian Background; and had a Arranged Marriage 10 Years ago in India; My wife came to Canada right after the Marriage where she studied in College and now she started to work and we just have a six month baby.

My wife has a very good social and interpersonal Skills; She has consistently found guys from college days as well as her work place where guys like her attention; She has mentioned that she has refused many guys proposals over the years who were in much better position then me financial and life style wise.


Now back to my Cousin:
This friend met as a husband to my wife cousin from India last year; he is working as a manager and has quiet a lot of friends; at the time I believed in making friends and doing activity;
So, naturally I started doing activity with the family like Barbecue or visiting other cities together with his family;
And over time my wife had lot of issues with my parents for day to day domestic conflicts due to their conservative expectations as I live along with my parents and Brother in a house; so we would meet this cousin and my wife would clear her mind and get positive advise; I would be there on all such meetings.

Now, as it stands that person is become way too much emotionally attached along with my wife doing the same; My wife just admitted that bond is become too strong now; and he has taken over my role emotionally as he is caring and understanding as he had attended doctors appointments with my wife during her pregnancy as I could not get time off every time.

According to my wife this is my doing as I took her to see him initially to all the meeting and because he did favors. According to her he has done great favor to me as I also asked for advice on different issues and I am in great debt because of that according to her.

What can be done at this time as my wife says she has feelings for him and he has the same feelings for her; One instance they both agreed they only care about each other and is the most important thing when we were discussing about what is the most important thing life.

My wife is really making me look bad by comparing me to him in terms of confidence, experience and caring; she still admitted that she cares about me; but she is becoming withdrawn from me.

Please guys send your recommendation as I am about to have a Emotional breakdown that I can not control; thanks.

I started this whole thing as a way to make new friends and get my life filled with activity and fun stuff but now I am really not sure what I can do in this instance.

[RbccL]

Has a dna paternity test crossed your mind yet? You may want to start there, then decide if marriage counseling would fit into the situation. It does sound like your wife may have already made her mind up about the situation though, so it’s time to start thinking about what would be best for you and your own future.

[indca]

Originally Posted by RbccL

Has a dna paternity test crossed your mind yet? You may want to start there, then decide if marriage counseling would fit into the situation. It does sound like your wife may have already made her mind up about the situation though, so it’s time to start thinking about what would be best for you and your own future.

The thing my wife is very simple; She does not go out shopping or spend money her looks because she already looks very good; The Issue is that she likes to talk with someone holding her hand and comforting her and she sleeps very late in the day; There have been other guys that came previously who helped her emotionally to deal with lots of drama and conflict that goes on in our house.

She can drop this friend very easily as I know from previous instances and how she feels strongly about our bond together; it is pretty much how I can pass through this conflict without scarring her or me for long term; as I have no problem going out and doing activity with this friend still; its just how do I clear the boundaries to both of them without them making their secret move and talking in secrecy without my knowledge; as they are talking openly as I have allowed it to happen but now because of this issue maybe they might not be so open about how they do their movements.

[SVTLightning]

Why are you not holding her hand and helping her through the drama and conflict?

[elyn02]

Originally Posted by SVTLightning

Why are you not holding her hand and helping her through the drama and conflict?

I was thinking this as well. I wonder if it is because the wife is having conflict with his parents.

[augiedogie]

I'd also recommend a DNA test of the baby. That could be the whole key to your problem.

[indca]

Originally Posted by SVTLightning

Why are you not holding her hand and helping her through the drama and conflict?

I do help her cope with conflict but her personality is very sensitive and my mom is very conservative culture wise so my mom was always insecure that my wife could run away with one of these guys as my wife always had a very good social skills and she could impress anyone she met. This is complete opposit of my brothers wife who only goes out with my brother and does not have any male friends.

I supported my wife by saying that I know these guys and i took personal responsibility against my Mom and my brother, Still my wife had a lots of episodes where she could not handle my nagging mom; and So, we went out to see this friend so we could get away from home and release our stress level.

We delayed having baby because she wanted to do other things like complete her studies and establish her self in her field, she was always against having a baby for atlreast 5 years; but last year after my Younger Brothers wife got Pregnant things took a really bad toll as she became desperate to get baby as every body started to judge her;
At the time because of my low Sperm count we had tried various techniques and it possibly worked as she got pregnant eventually after like four months but that was a very difficult time for us.
I simply can not question regarding if its my Baby; as the Baby looks like her; and I have no evidence to point her toward testing as I am Trying to save marriage not end it. Only thing I am planning to do now is remind her that I need attention from her and She has to invest primarily in our relation and keep Friends outside the boundary level.

I mentioned this issue with the friend and her both; and ask my wife to limit the contact with this Friend and according to her the friend is very Hurt at this time but she agreed that something had to be done, but I chose wrong method to break the news as I did not respond to friend for three days and then I called directly to explain how I feel about this scenario.

Only thing is My Mom always said that She would do something like this so I can not go to Family for Emotional support as they already hate her and this would be really bad for both of us; My wife family is very sensitive and her mom would probably pass out if I broke the news; So, in all I have 1 of her previous friend who I am talking to for support and that's it.

The previous friend has asked me to be firm with her and remind her that it would be really bad if the news broke out as we have a very respectable family reputation and this would be very hard for everybody involved.

Right now; She is saying that she will follow whatever I say but she is not happy doing it; So, I am not sure how to get her to be motivated to give more attention to me as she is starting to resentful of how I am handling the whole scenario.

She says she cares about me and has been with me for all this time and to Trust her; Yet, She wants me to stop using my phone which I use to just browse Forums or playing games when I am around home as she wants my complete attention if I want her to stop talking to the Friend.

[rya96797]

she sounds like she potentially has a personality disorder, assuming you're not derelict in your husbandly duties.

If financial issues are the problem, you can get a dna test for free.
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[indca]

Originally Posted by rya96797

she sounds like she potentially has a personality disorder, assuming you're not derelict in your husbandly duties.

If financial issues are the problem, you can get a dna test for free.
Maury Show - Be a Guest

We are both making good money as I am working as a Logistics Coordinator while she is working as a Quality Technician; So, money is not an issue;
The issue though is that she wants to separate from parents but my brother does not want to sell house, and my parents would follow us anyways so whats the point of separating;

My Parents just went on a six month vacation to India last week; So, this solves her biggest gripe about my moms nagging behavior; and so, I am asking her to stop seeing friend this so often; if we no longer have the Problem we used to have before.

I simply can not question about the baby as this would probably shock her and maybe break her psychologically which I am trying to help her in regard to;

What can I do in the mean while to get her on my side and look at me in Positive manner; as her negative outlook has created this mess as she loses focus any time some one judges her or says mean thing to her.

She says I neglected her and that is why she has chosen this path and I am responsible for this whole mess; as If I gave her the Attention required than she would never have to look for other men to get comfortable and to control her stress level.

[rya96797]

you should dna test. she's possibly doing weird **** out of guilt. a lot of cheaters and guilty parties project their guilt on others.