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If a somebody said "Dude, take it up with your wife" now you know that he has no intentions of changing his interaction. If the wife sees nothing wrong with this, it is time to divorce.
Exactly.
He still has to deal with her FIRST and foremost.
If he's not being the kind of husband she can depend on, maybe he can work on that. But it may be too far gone.
Reading books and searching online are all indirect actions. The main thing he needs to do is be with his wife and strengthen their bond.
Talking to the other guy or his wife is a bad idea. The OP's wife is the gatekeeper here, and she is holding that door wide open for this other guy. She needs to stop depending on him emotionally, but the OP will have to step up and be there for her so she will want to.
Have you told her that having him undermine your marriage is wrong? Does she not even care that getting her way in every situation is not necessarily the goal of marriage?
We are living in a joint family with my brother and parents; me and my brother both have babies 3 months apart.
My mom is about rules and regulation and she has conflict with my wife as my wife is more outgoing having multiple guys friends over the years. I supported my wife over the years for her choices.
Now, my wife took all family related issues to this third person who gave her emotional support and connection.
Now, where is my place in this dynamics?
My wife says she needs him for guidance and wisdom that comes from this third person..
We are living in a joint family with my brother and parents; me and my brother both have babies 3 months apart.
My mom is about rules and regulation and she has conflict with my wife as my wife is more outgoing having multiple guys friends over the years. I supported my wife over the years for her choices.
Now, my wife took all family related issues to this third person who gave her emotional support and connection.
Now, where is my place in this dynamics?
You tell me. Or ask your dad. How has he survived?
I know there are cultural complications here, so you have to figure out what works vs. what you actually want. You wife says she needs him for guidance ... is that because you haven't fulfilled that role for her? Why not? Is this an arranged marriage?
Do you have NO say at all? Right now that is how you are acting.
If he's not being the kind of husband she can depend on, maybe he can work on that. But it may be too far gone.
If he goes to the other man like she requested, then he will be acting like the man she can depend on according to her terms. However, he goes under one condition, to make it clear that his involvement is not needed anymore.
If he goes to the other man like she requested, then he will be acting like the man she can depend on according to her terms. However, he goes under one condition, to make it clear that his involvement is not needed anymore.
She won't uphold that, though. She's already told her husband that maintaining the connection with this man is a priority for her. And the other man has told him that the wife is a priority for him.
What good would another conversation do, except to harm his remaining dignity further?
She won't uphold that, though. She's already told her husband that maintaining the connection with this man is a priority for her. And the other man has told him that the wife is a priority for him.
What good would another conversation do, except to harm his remaining dignity further?
He would have stood up for himself even if the outcome wasn't what he wanted. But you feel that will hurt him more so I don't want to be stubborn and stick with my position. It is not my marriage after all.
I have experience with this from both sides of the equation, and there is nothing more pathetic than a spouse going to the other man or woman and "warning" them to stop.
At that point, all that can be said is, "Dude, take it up with your wife."
A marriage's first line of defense is the two people in it, and the OP will be aiming at the wrong target if he goes to the other guy or his wife.
If he can't even get his own wife to respect his wishes, why should the other guy???
You can address them both. If your child is addicted to drugs, the first thing you do is take the drugs away. Then you address the addiction issues. No? The wife isn't going to think clearly while she still has access to the other guy. As the Hawaiian guy said, "shut it down." Then fix the underlying issue.
Yes, this was an arranged marriage;
She comes from traditional culture, so did not have Male friends and was very reserved personality wise when she came to canada
At that time I decided to let her develop by sending her to college where she made friends and strong extroverted personality; I joined with her friends on many events activities.
She has very good communication skills and she looks stunning so she was always approached by different guys over the years; she went on dates too that she told me about previously. She says she loves me so she never took things further with other guys.
But it is different now and I do not know how to tackle this scenario.
Yes, this was an arranged marriage;
She comes from traditional culture, so did not have Male friends and was very reserved personality wise when she came to canada
At that time I decided to let her develop by sending her to college where she made friends and strong extroverted personality; I joined with her friends on many events activities.
She has very good communication skills and she looks stunning so she was always approached by different guys over the years; she went on dates too that she told me about previously. She says she loves me so she never took things further with other guys.
But it is different now and I do not know how to tackle this scenario.
Do you think she would take things further with this guy?
... she went on dates too that she told me about previously. She says she loves me so she never took things further with other guys.
But it is different now and I do not know how to tackle this scenario.
As far as you know, she never took things further.
So you allowed her to establish this pattern while she was in college. And she is continuing it today.
Because of that, it will be very difficult to change her behavior. In the first place she has to WANT to. But as long as she is able to get what she wants from another guy, why would she?
Marriage counseling is the path to change, but even the best counseling won’t work if your wife doesn’t want to change.
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How has he survived?
