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Just to answer few questions; we get 1 year maternity leave paid by government in Canada; so, she will return to work in two months.
Now, on to serious matter about addiction and habit; she says she has lived like this for last 8 years and can not change;
She did same pattern back in college and even while working; I never stopped her because I thought she was exhausted from my mom nagging and going to other people calmed her down.
But now my parents have gone to vacation in india and she still goes back to same routine and then I ask her about why she need to continue this pattern if parents are no longer here and we can plan and give attention to each other now.
How can she recognize that talking to another men for hours will not solve her problem.
How can she recognize that talking to another men for hours will not solve her problem.
She won't, because to her it DOES solve her problem.
It gives her attention and makes her feel good. When you protest her desire to spend money on something like the baby's birthday party, she will just go to the other guy and get him to pay for it.
She won't ever volunteer to change because she is now getting everything she wants.
If you tell her you are going to divorce her, she will be forced to change. But it won't be a pleasant process because she will be furious that you are making her leave the setup she likes so much.
She is spoiled and immature. It's a shame she doesn't understand that she is wrong.
Why even ask for advice. All you do is excuse her behavior. She's not going to change, she's probably going to get worse and flat out cheat on you in the open if she hasn't already. You are at a crossroads. Do you want to be a fool and let her do her thing? Or have self respect and lay down some boundaries and rules. Making posts on a forum ain't gonna help ya.
Why even ask for advice. All you do is excuse her behavior. She's not going to change, she's probably going to get worse and flat out cheat on you in the open if she hasn't already. You are at a crossroads. Do you want to be a fool and let her do her thing? Or have self respect and lay down some boundaries and rules. Making posts on a forum ain't gonna help ya.
What can I do? My marriage is a role model to all people that I know..I gave myself to her when i got married, i gave her chance at self discovery and to know her self better.
In 9 years I have never let anybody get a glimpse of lapses and after all that I am putting boundaries because I think she knows her self better.
I just told her everything running in my mind but she is keeping quiet not saying anything; I am not trying to be hurtful but how can I make her see my desperate measures to bring life to our marriage.
Other guy is a manager and is on almost all day talking to her with earbuds and this is become normal for her; and when I call she becomes very angry about not having enough sleep and the baby issues.
Do you guys know why someone would spend hours talking to one person; what kind of things can you even discuss for that long.
I see the attraction and feelings when they see each other but why does it have to be at the expense of my misery?
Am I wrong in bringing this forefront of our discussion? What measures and boundaries do you guys think is good in a marriage?
They say they won't meet or talk when I'm around but how can I make her see fault in this equation; just because I never intervened does not make wrong movement right or does it,
What can I do? My marriage is a role model to all people that I know..I gave myself to her when i got married, i gave her chance at self discovery and to know her self better.
It's a lie, though. You've been dishonest with everyone around you. Your marriage is a great example of what NOT to do.
You gave her a chance at self-discovery, and she took advantage of that and used the opportunity to date others as she pleased, as if you were her father and not her husband-to-be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
In 9 years I have never let anybody get a glimpse of lapses and after all that I am putting boundaries because I think she knows her self better.
I guess she knows herself, but mostly she knows that she can do whatever she wants because you won't do anything to stop her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
I just told her everything running in my mind but she is keeping quiet not saying anything; I am not trying to be hurtful but how can I make her see my desperate measures to bring life to our marriage.
It's too late for desperate measures. Nothing you do will matter as long as he is literally talking in her ear all day long.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
Do you guys know why someone would spend hours talking to one person; what kind of things can you even discuss for that long.
Sorry, but I am almost certain they are having a physical affair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
I see the attraction and feelings when they see each other but why does it have to be at the expense of my misery?
Again, it's hard to say this, but it appears that you don't matter as much to her as her own wants. She doesn't act like a wife who respects her husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
What measures and boundaries do you guys think is good in a marriage?
You don't even have the most basic boundaries, which are loyalty and honesty. She is seeing another man right in front of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by indca
They say they won't meet or talk when I'm around but how can I make her see fault in this equation; just because I never intervened does not make wrong movement right or does it,
They shouldn't see each other AT ALL.
The one thing you can do to start making a change is to tell your family what's been going on. Secrets breed sickness, and as long as you are helping them keep their affair secret, your relationship will be unhealthy.
I'm sorry man, but your marriage is over. It's beyond repair. How could you ever forgive her and trust her again? Your main concerns should be baby and you. You need to get out of this marriage ASAP for your own sanity and focus on being a good dad to your baby.
And yes, you have to verify the baby is yours. You need to know 100% that kid is yours.
I feel for you though, my wife had an affair with a co-worker a few years ago and it nearly destroyed us. We are great today, after rounds of therapy and marriage counseling. In my case, my wife immediately cut off contact with the other guy and felt remorse for what she had done. Your wife has already flat out said to your face that she can't (won't) stop seeing him. The level of disrespect she shows you is off the charts. I admire your patience and willingness to hang in there, but now is the time for action.
If divorce isn't an option, then at least start seeing a therapist. A professional can certainly help you maneuver through this and provide much better guidance then you can get from us on this board.
I agree that they are having an affair, emotional and I bet physical. Their behavior confirms this. She should be building this connection with YOU! You are like a father figure in her eyes, only to support her financially.
Your wife has all the advantage in this marriage. She has a 3rd party that takes care of her in more ways than 1. She had "friends" in college that protected her and probably did more.
Sorry but you sound like a cuckold. If you are into that then just come out and say it. Your marriage is a cuckold marriage. It is not a role model marriage to anyone. Your wife is having an affair with 3rd party.
You need to end this marriage if you have any integrity/dignity.
And yes, you have to verify the baby is yours. You need to know 100% that kid is yours.
Worth saying twice.
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