Saw some pictures of a night out, asked my boyfriend [M32] about it. Need advice on his response! (how to, marry)
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[/b]I agree!! Any reasons to question trust don't make a solid relationship. You are not over reacting. Are you not also concerned that he is sometimes late meeting you because he is hanging out with women friends?
Do you feel like his priority?
I never used to, but we talked about this and he doesn't do it anymore. He also had a major fall out with one of his exes, so he doesn't see her anymore but that had nothing to do with me.
I think he feels like he shouldn't have to be worried about physical contact with friends, that it would feel too restrictive because it's all innocent.
And it may well be, like I said, I never had an issue with any of his female friends before. But there was something about those pictures that made them look very "couply", along with the fact that she hung out with him the whole night, went to his friend's party with him, and they got sooooo drunk together.
I should also say that he didn't invite me to go along with him to this city and spend the weekend but a few weeks ago I invited him to come with me on a work trip to Oslo and spend the weekend, which we did. He says he didn't invite me because I had told him previously that I wanted to take a break from traveling because I'm overwhelmed with work and grieving my grandmother passing away. But it would still have been nice if he had asked even if he suspected I would've said no.
I think he feels like he shouldn't have to be worried about physical contact with friends, that it would feel too restrictive because it's all innocent.
He needs to understand that part of being in a committed relationship is restricting yourself from activities that are disrespectful to your partner.
Spending time with a "new friend" in a way that basically has her filling the role of substitute girlfriend for the night is disrespectful to you as his actual GF.
I'm sure he would like to be able to do what he wants without being questioned. Wouldn't we all? But that's not what most committed relationships will tolerate. If you want to be trusted, you have to behave in a trustworthy manner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nadineblack
And it may well be, like I said, I never had an issue with any of his female friends before. But there was something about those pictures that made them look very "couply", along with the fact that she hung out with him the whole night, went to his friend's party ...
It was too much. WAY too much.
The fact that he's being dismissive of your concerns and diverting you from the topic is suspicious.
I recognized that behavior inmediately. The last guy I had a committed relationship with, used to do the same thing: leave things out so I would know he did something with someone... he even carried his phone into the bathroom when he would get a call —and then I would question him about it, and he would get really “surprised” or “irritated” and pretend I was jealous.
Some guys, it’s more fun for them to have friendships with other women if they think you’re jealous about it! Its playing games and gaslighting, this is just how it’s going to be... so if that’s what you like, then just watch the pattern over and over with him: “Who her? You said I could have friends! Didn’t I tell you we met up? Are you mad?”...
So what solution are you seeking on this matter?
I personally think the way a questionable behavior is confronted determines how it's going to be responded to.
Yup...if your going to point a gun at a person they are going to defend. Character assassination runs the same spin.
If he did overstep an unwritten rule then state the directive. Say: dear, no more. Period. End of discussion. But good gravy have a bit of consideration that he may not have done as your imagination perceives.
And if he did ..he needs to own it and make amends. I doubt though he misbehaved ..
He also said that it's important for him to able to have physical contact with his female friends without being questioned about it, which I guess is fair enough. But I would never let one of my male friends hang all over me like that on a drunken night out because from my experience that sort of behavior usually happens along with some sort sort of flirtation ...
If this ever comes up again, you can respond, "Oh, I totally understand! I love getting hugs from my guy friends. They're like big teddy bears to me. I'm glad we understand each other on this score. "
Look, I'm always cool with the guy I'm seeing/dating to have friendships with women, being friends with an ex, friendships with co-workers, etc. At this point in my life, I am just not going to waste a bunch of time being jealous. I would rather be single than worry about 'what ifs' and 'could halves' behind my back. Right or wrong, this is how it is for me. Its always behavior based and how he acts.
Has he given me any reason to question the friendship being more than a friendship?
Do I sense that there is a desire on his part?
Has he acted defensive or tried to hide anything that I have seen?
If yes, then I need to talk to him about it and go from there.
That being said, even I think that something is funky with this scenario and you are right in being concerned and questioning him about it. Listen to your gut.
Look, I'm always cool with the guy I'm seeing/dating to have friendships with women, being friends with an ex, friendships with co-workers, etc. At this point in my life, I am just not going to waste a bunch of time being jealous. I would rather be single than worry about 'what ifs' and 'could halves' behind my back. Right or wrong, this is how it is for me. Its always behavior based and how he acts.
Has he given me any reason to question the friendship being more than a friendship?
Do I sense that there is a desire on his part?
Has he acted defensive or tried to hide anything that I have seen?
If yes, then I need to talk to him about it and go from there.
That being said, even I think that something is funky with this scenario and you are right in being concerned and questioning him about it. Listen to your gut.
I'm usually cool with all those things too.
Has he given me reason to question the friendship? I'm not sure. Depends on the perspective. He met this girl because he went on holiday with one of his female friends (I was cool with that) and this girl is his friend's friend. They all spent a week together on holiday. When he got back, him and this girl were sending voice messages to each other for a while. Again, I was cool with that.
I then met her when we went to Mexico, we all went for a drink. On the way home he asked me "do you think she's hot? I can't decide". Again, not a problem.
But now all of this together and the last "incident" make me think I'm being naive ...
So what solution are you seeking on this matter?
I personally think the way a questionable behavior is confronted determines how it's going to be responded to.
Yup...if your going to point a gun at a person they are going to defend. Character assassination runs the same spin.
Yeah, I did go about it the wrong way. I know that. I should've just told him that the picture hurt my feelings a bit and seen what he had to say to that.
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. The last guy I had a committed relationship with, used to do the same thing: leave things out so I would know he did something with someone... he even carried his phone into the bathroom when he would get a call —and then I would question him about it, and he would get really “surprised” or “irritated” and pretend I was jealous. 
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