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No, you are right.
Without trust THERE IS NOTHING.
If he still does not admit he has a problem with alcohol,
and still is not taking steps to address that through professional help,
then there is nothing there to trust.
Except your gut instincts that are telling you "there is nothing" in that relationship.
The fact he considers himself to simply be someone who drank too much for several years instead of an alcoholic would be humerous if I weren't living with him. To me, any drinking is playing with fire considering his past history with drinking too much.
He's been in counseling and one of the things the counselor was concerned with was his refusal to see alcohol as a problem. In his mind, he drank because he had problems. In mine, the drinking was the problem. So far, he's managed to control it but, to me, any drinking is poking a sleeping dragon.
If you have a lot of history with your partner (20 plus yrs) and it's the first and only time, it hurts, but forgive and consider counseling to help yourself heal. If you don't have much hx and are afraid he's a LLPOF chronically, dump this loser, and move on with your life. There are true blue guys who will appreciate you, and be faithful, because "us" means more to them than himself (or whatever weird nickname he calls his Johnson).. And remember, it's says more about him than you. One of my favorite quotes is "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of making love to her". I don't like to sling mud, but I think in the guy world, variety is more important to them than to us. Best wishes for a wonderful future.
Well, if he's tired of me, there really is no hope, is there?
Well, if he's tired of me, there really is no hope, is there?
Ivory: his attitude is totally out of your control. People are the way they are...and they don't change. No reflection on you. If he can't value the love of one good/decent woman, so be it. His problem, not yours.
You are assuming that she is telling the truth. You are assuming she gave the counselor a correct picture of his drinking and drinking habits. You are assuming I drink in excess. Funny thing is I have had 5 alcohol drinks in the last 4 years. 3 of those in the last week. I was not staying away from alcohol due to a problem. I just did not want to drink. It is in the house and has been.
Just because you don't drink or can't imagine people being able to drink without abusing it means nothing. It does suggest however that you have a problem controlling impulse behavior. Maybe not. Maybe just no experience with people who can control themselves around mood enhancers of any kind.
I don't know.
The real question is if she wants to get over the problems or not. All of the rest of what you, me, or anyone else has to say makes no difference. At all.
I didn't give the first two counselors any picture of his drinking. HE DID.
He, volunatarily, sought out the first counselor because he was sure I was making him depressed. He quit going when the counselor told him his only problem is he's an alcoholic.
The second counselor to tell him he's an alcoholic was our marriage counselor.
The third was the alcohol expert my lawyer hired during the divorce. Him I did tell about his drinking but he did not rely on my testimony. He interviewed my husband and other family members chosen by my husband, most of whom validated what I said.
Of course he managed to find his own "expert", a recovering alcholic himself to proclaim that he just has a drinking problem
Why is it you assume I distort everything? I wasn't even the first to tell him he's an alcoholic. I didn't know there was a such thing as a functional alcoholic. Like most people, I thought you had to be a falling down drunk to be an alcoholic. Turns out you just have to drink to excess and drink enough that it affects your life negatively. Just because I can't get past his cheating doesn't mean I twist everything negatively. Believe it or not, they may just be as negative as I say.
However, our marriage counselor (an ex substance abuse counselor) does admit that there is a continuium from alcohol abuse to alcoholism. At 4-6 beers a day, my husband was probably in that gray area. The $20,000 question is does his current level of control prove he never was an alcoholic or that he was one who hit bottom and decided he didn't want to lose it all. If it's the latter, his refusal to face it will be his downfall.
One thing all of the counselors, except his during the divorce, agree on is he should not drink. Whether he was an alcohol abuser or alcoholic, precident has been set. Recividism is high.
Personally, I believe that we have to slay our own dragons our way or it won't work. So I question my right to insist he not drink at all but I also worry that any drinking can lead down that dark path we've already walked. So far, he's maintained control better than I thought he could given he, regularly, tempts himself. I think it's harder than he admits because he won't drink at all for a couple of weeks if he has a night where he has one more than he planned. I think he scares himself.
Ivory: his attitude is totally out of your control. People are the way they are...and they don't change. No reflection on you. If he can't value the love of one good/decent woman, so be it. His problem, not yours.
What has this guy done other than to have sex with another woman after his wife filed for divorce? Oh, and he drinks.
What has this guy done other than to have sex with another woman after his wife filed for divorce? Oh, and he drinks.
Why bold face the word AFTER? Does his affair occuring after I filed mean I wasn't cheated on? We were not divorced yet. As I've said earlier, moving on as fast as he did would not have been an issue if he hadn't come back. Once you've ended a relationship, you're free to move on. Obviously, this one had not ended.
Does taking a break from your marriage make an affair ok? Can you take a break from your marrige, sleep with someone else and then resume your marriage? How does that work?
I could give you a list of his infractions but I'll decline.
Why bold face the word AFTER? Does his affair occuring after I filed mean I wasn't cheated on? We were not divorced yet. As I've said earlier, moving on as fast as he did would not have been an issue if he hadn't come back. Once you've ended a relationship, you're free to move on. Obviously, this one had not ended.
Does taking a break from your marriage make an affair ok? Can you take a break from your marrige, sleep with someone else and then resume your marriage? How does that work?
I could give you a list of his infractions but I'll decline.
So he wasn't married when he was with her? If he wasn't married then why is he married now? We did not get remarried. I guess that means we're just living together and free to do as we wish. Which, actually, is true because our marriage ended the moment he took up with her.
Just put the man out of his misery and leave already. Just leave.
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Hmmm
. And remember, it's says more about him than you. One of my favorite quotes is "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of making love to her". I don't like to sling mud, but I think in the guy world, variety is more important to them than to us. Best wishes for a wonderful future.
