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I'd have let her and if I didn't want to help her then I just wouldn't. You can easily hire a person to check on her a few times a week. In home rehab is usually covered by medicare. Let her die there. That's what she wants. Her best interests are what she wants. Not her safety, not her health. She's old, old people die. She's not going to recover and become 40 soon. Why can't people just let nature take it's course?
I get that people don't want to be burdened taking care of their old parents so just don't. Let them try til they die. That's what most of them want. It's what I would want. Why let them suffer out the rest of their days?
I hope I fall on the floor and can't get up. I can remember all the good times while I lie there dying on my own floor. Way better than being saved and put in the pen to slowly suffer for years.
Wow, you sure are slap happy with advice without knowing various situations. Since you were addressing my situation with my mom, I'll answer.
Dementia is a game changer.
My mom also has stroke damage and is a huge fall risk - in fact, she fell and broke her hip a little over a year ago. She refused to wear a fall alert device. She can't drive. She can't see well. She developed anorexia. She allowed a stranger (she still doesn't know who it was) to come into the house right after my dad died (before the funeral!) and to go through his things and take whatever they wanted. Using your logic, I should just allow whatever to happen and to hell with it - that's what she "wants." You really think she would want to lay on the floor for a day or two with a broken hip? Have thousands of dollars stolen from her? Set the house on fire because she left something on the stove? Die of starvation? Wander around the neighborhood lost?
She and my dad made it very clear for many years that they wanted me to help them if they needed help - with groceries, doctor visits and medical care, managing finances, etc. and I agreed to step in when either or both of them became unable to care for themselves.
Since they both had serious health issues, they got all the legal paperwork together and I met, with them, with their attorney several times. TOGETHER we made a contingency plan for their elder care. This plan was decided on when they were both able to understand and process and discuss the various options.
Also, not that you asked - but my mom is the one who told me that she wanted to move into a senior living facility after my dad died. It was a huge endeavor to find a place, move her into it (three rooms and all her personal items, much of her furniture, etc), sort through everything else in her house, put it on the market, pay someone to clean it after all the furniture was moved out, process the buyer's contract to closing, etc. She told me about three days before closing that she thought she wanted to move back into her house.
No.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 09-04-2017 at 03:37 PM..
moving back home is not an option. i've already presented two different ALFs to my parents, which may fit my parents needs better but they are rejecting those options. maybe it just takes more adjustment period ...
I wonder if the new "options" are just confusing them...too many choices. They know what they want, but none of the options seem to fit. Ask them what specific things their own house provided that they want or miss now. Make a list of these features. Then reduce all the ALF literature down to a comparison chart listing the features they offer that are similar. Find ways they can get closer to the features their home offered.
I will address all I can but like I stated this is the best advice I can give and it's in relation to how I feel about my own aging care.
First of all the O.P.'s parents aren't feeble. There are many, many ways to allow people at their capacity to live at home. Not because I protest but finances are and will change how senior care pans out in the future and I'm glad! 8 Predictions about the Future of Assisted Living
If someone doesn't die in home and is indeed in need of medical care they will get it. They'll have a hospital stay, rehab and either be sent home with or without home care. It in no way means they are destined to the nursing home. That's ridiculous. I'm sure they'd rather die a shell at home then in a home. But, at that point, if they aren't themselves but truly a shell I imagine they will no longer have any wishes. If you don't pull the plug at the hospital it won't matter where the shell is stored and will no longer be an issue will it.
Nobody said it was easy. It's not about the "right" thing to do either. It's about letting older people have their dignity. It's really all they have left.
Dealing with dementia is difficult. But they still have a ways to go until they can no longer function at all and are out of their minds or a "shell." By that time they'll be dead within a few weeks or maybe a few months. They would be considered actively ill, not able to live and terminal. A nursing home will only facilitate this sooner than later with all the drugs they'll pump into them to keep them quiet and "safe." It won't matter at that point. They won't be craving independence at that point. They'll be dying. Too bad that fall they had last year didn't do the job, but sometimes it does not. I'm always puzzled why they give flu and pneumonia shots to people in the last stages of Alzheimers. Trust me they'd rather be taken earlier by the flu. It's all about the $.
I'm talking about those older people who still have life left. Can still eat, sleep and keep relatively clean. They can and do recover from strokes, heart attacks, blood pressure issues, and accidents at home with in home visits and rehab. It's not a jail sentence. If that's what they want then why not? They might forget things, might annoy you more but that's not that big of a deal. If you can't handle your parents there are services that allow them to live in home. We will start tolerating this more because we can't afford to put people in homes anymore so in light of that we better get use to it.
Home assistance is available and they don't make recommendations for assisted living places they just increase visits. Why would they? They may ask you to check on them more often but if you can't then tell them to do it. They'll increase a visit. They'll even come give them a shower. They'll send a nurse or doctor to the home.
Anyway, this is only my advice and my opinion on the matter. It's not really up for debate. You'll do what you feel is best but that doesn't mean everyone will agree with you. I just don't happen to agree that ALC and Nursing homes are the way to go and like I said, I would rather die than do that when I'm older.
You can make any arrangements you like. If you are concerned your wishes will be overrided you can stipulate all of it in legal documents.
The point was that OPs parents did not want in home care, so while you are advocating that and it's a sound idea, they refuse that option. OP would need their cooperation to have caregivers in home.
Same thing happened with a relative of mine. She fired every caregiver that came to the door. But in her case she desperately needed the help because she could not take care of toileting or diapering herself. No dignity in that.
You wrote that they are in a studio now. Does that mean it is only one room? They have no chance to "escape" from each other in their own apartment? I would not like that, and I get along pretty well with my husband. But we all need a break from each other.
If they leave assisted living, would they rent a place, or buy another home? Would they be willing to hire an in-home aid if they do either of those?
I would be very reluctant to help them move out of some kind of assisted living arrangement since they seem to really need a level of care at this point. It is very hard to see one's parents unhappy but sometimes it can't be helped.
It's my understanding that the OP's parents agreed to move into this facility - and the OP helped them do it - and now they want to move back out.
Folks - I helped my elderly parents move three times in four years trying to help them be happy (and five times in twelve years). They kept thinking a different living arrangement would fix their problem - but their problem was that they were getting older, sicker, and less and less able to do the things they'd done all their lives.
Finally, THEIR CHOICE - they moved back to the town I live in (the one they had left on one wild goose chase after another twelve years earlier). Once again, because they were so old and "helpless,"I helped them move back - helped them find a good house, helped them unpack, helped them decorate, hang pictures, etc. I told them, "THIS IS IT. I can't do this anymore."
About a year later - what were they talking about? MOVING INTO ANOTHER HOUSE - this time, right down the street from their house. Within eyesight of their house. A cookie cutter house built by the same builder as their cookie cutter house. I said, "Fine. It's your money. But I'm not lifting a finger. I'm not packing or unpacking a single box. You are completely on your own."
They didn't do it. And they quit talking about doing it. To me, anyway.
I say that if people of any age are truly independent, have at it. The issue comes when they expect others to help them - when they are not truly independent.
It's my understanding that the OP's parents agreed to move into this facility - and the OP helped them do it - and now they want to move back out.
Folks - I helped my elderly parents move three times in four years trying to help them be happy (and five times in twelve years). They kept thinking a different living arrangement would fix their problem - but their problem was that they were getting older, sicker, and less and less able to do the things they'd done all their lives.
Finally, THEIR CHOICE - they moved back to the town I live in (the one they had left on one wild goose chase after another twelve years earlier). Once again, because they were so old and "helpless,"I helped them move back - helped them find a good house, helped them unpack, helped them decorate, hang pictures, etc. I told them, "THIS IS IT. I can't do this anymore."
About a year later - what were they talking about? MOVING INTO ANOTHER HOUSE - this time, right down the street from their house. Within eyesight of their house. A cookie cutter house built by the same builder as their cookie cutter house. I said, "Fine. It's your money. But I'm not lifting a finger. I'm not packing or unpacking a single box. You are completely on your own."
They didn't do it. And they quit talking about doing it. To me, anyway.
I say that if people of any age are truly independent, have at it. The issue comes when they expect others to help them - when they are not truly independent.
You know what? We had dinner with friends last night and his parents did the same thing. They decided they "didn't like" the house they had moved into a year ago and bought another one a mile away. Same area, same amenities, same size, etc. Our friend said his father basically admitted he was bored. Of course our friends had to help with both moves.
There is no "of course" about it. They are capable of buying another house, then they are capable of hiring movers. Their kids just made it easier for them to do it.
moving back home is not an option. i've already presented two different ALFs to my parents, which may fit my parents needs better but they are rejecting those options. maybe it just takes more adjustment period ...
b/c the house is getting ready to rent so we can continue to pay for the very expensive ALF. all the furniture, everything is gone. if they did move to another home, it would be like an apartment, something much smaller, without stairs, and very easy to take care of. but anyways it's a moot point b/c they cannot live on their own or we'll be right back to where we were five months ago.
You know what? We had dinner with friends last night and his parents did the same thing. They decided they "didn't like" the house they had moved into a year ago and bought another one a mile away. Same area, same amenities, same size, etc. Our friend said his father basically admitted he was bored. Of course our friends had to help with both moves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3
There is no "of course" about it. They are capable of buying another house, then they are capable of hiring movers. Their kids just made it easier for them to do it.
I agree that if the kids disagreed with the move they could have refused to help.
I know a couple that recently moved into a new condo, two blocks away from their old condo, but for "legitimate reasons" (the new place was smaller, brand new and did not have any stairs or steps at all).
The 73 year old wife and medically fragile 83 year old husband handled the entire move themselves. They started slowly downsizing and slowly packing boxes ten months before the eventual move and had professional movers do the final packing and actual move. Their adult children (who lived in the same city) spent a couple of hours moving fragile items, like lamps, TVs and computers, to the new place. That's it.
Actually, in their case, the children were very willing to help but the parents preferred to do it at their own pace, slowly, over a ten month period.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-04-2017 at 06:14 PM..
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