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@lily, people here aren't piling on you as much as the fact that people around here are task-oriented: people here want to find out the root of the problem and help fix it. People here (not 100% of course, but many people nonetheless) feel very pulled toward "identify the problem and correct it". It's a cultural thing about this area. This is why you're getting so many questions about the nature of your feelings of disconnect. People are trying to help, not call you out. They're just trying to get more information so they figure out why you're feeling so disconnected.
It seems to me that your disconnect comes from your husband's corporate circle where things are formal and prescribed, and corporate wives are expected to be smiling and chic, and all this feels very uniform in terms of interactions. Throw in the fact that in the South politeness is valued and you have "certain things you don't talk about in public". I have travelled to many countries and seen a lot of different customs. And yes, among the polite people I found a lot of similarities that there is more comfort than discomfort.
If you live in a cookie-cutter McMansion neighborhood, you may be near people who view their McMansion life as visual proof that "they have arrived". You have lived a more unconventional life that wasn't tied to one place and one never-changing way of going about life. You have seen a lot of things that many people could only dream of if they dared. Maybe they feel as uncomfortable as you? Perhaps they feel intimidated by your worldly experiences? Try to cut them some slack and give the relationships time to unfold. Some relationships never grow beyond a business acquaintance or speaking distance from a neighbor. This is true anywhere.
As for wanting to feel free to fly your freak flag, what is it that makes the freak flag so important to you? What makes it so important to discuss bodily functions? In your own home, you should explain things to your children as seems appropriate to you. Caring about other people means giving them the space to do the same within their homes. If you have close friends in other locations, perhaps they should be the ones to hear your innermost thoughts about "religion and politics" those polite-conversation no-nos. What is the value in telling someone you only know superficially about opinions on hot-button issues, especially if you know their opinions are the opposite of yours? Why not try to find common ground?
If you need an outlet for your passions and have some time to pursue them, have you considered getting involved in volunteer work? Many churches have tons of outreach and service work, and there are many things to get involved in. The beauty of getting involved is getting to know more like-minded people, beyond your small circles of corporate wives.
Could it be that being a corporate wife, rather than Charlotte the place, could be the true source of your culture shock?
@lily, people here aren't piling on you as much as the fact that people around here are task-oriented: people here want to find out the root of the problem and help fix it. People here (not 100% of course, but many people nonetheless) feel very pulled toward "identify the problem and correct it". It's a cultural thing about this area. This is why you're getting so many questions about the nature of your feelings of disconnect. People are trying to help, not call you out. They're just trying to get more information so they figure out why you're feeling so disconnected.
It is true that in the south we value self-sufficiency and personal responsibility People really were trying to help, not upset, the OP.
Location: The place where the road & the sky collide
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
It is true that in the south we value self-sufficiency and personal responsibility People really were trying to help, not upset, the OP.
But this was not a matter of just people from the South trying to help. . People from every part of the country tried to help by saying that this behavior was not just a problem related to being in Charlotte. Using crude language in those types of situations is gauche everywhere.
@southbound, yes, I gathered the geographic diversity after reading the rest of the post. Many comments have been very thoughtful and my sense was that people were genuinely trying to help Lily. I hadn't read about the f-bomb yet when I wrote to the OP. If it was a corporate-type party I can see how people would have been shocked. I'm amazed that dropping the f-bomb could be such an important symbol of freedom.
@lovesmountains - yes, and personal responsibility is a good thing! I suspect the OP is uncomfortable with the class-conscious formal environments brought to her through her husband's corporate work. Corporate / social etiquette is what it is... I hope the OP can find meaningful interactions.
Ok, just to update, problem is solved. I've found my "tribe". Thanks for all the input/concern/advice.
Moving right along
Hi Lily, as someone who can empathize with much of what you've written and is still searching, I'm curious what you've found. If you wouldn't mind PMing me, I'd appreciate it. Or if you're saying this so this thread will die, just ignore me because I can understand that as well!
I would recommend that you refrain from discussions on religion and politics with parents of your childrens friends - at least until you know them fairly well. There is really no reason to tell Jimmys mom that you think Obama is the answer to the demise of our country or Palin is wonderful, etc. I happen to be a conservative/Republican but I really don't care who my sons friends parents voted for! As a matter of fact - most of his friends parents are as liberal as they come. As far as religion - are you saying someone will not let your child play with theirs due to your religion? If so - very sad but again - find someone else for them to play with. As far as your views on ethics - I guess I would need an example of what others have a problem with. I think I am pretty open minded but I might have a problem letting my kid stay at your house if you are a nudist , etc.
That's interesting.
Since moving here we have found that people are often too keen to spot forth aboout their political and religious beliefs. We believe that they're not topics that you generally discuss with people you are meeting for the first time, however it's quite hard not to enter into a dicussion when someone is clearly assuming that you have the same views.
Additionally, we've found that they are most shocked when they realise that actually you don't agree with their views and may also find them offensive.Those people often seem very set in their ways and not open to listening to alternative ways of thinking.
That person was just trying to stir up trouble. Similar story, similar heritage, this was their first or second post, didn't get a lot of support and POOF! They were gone. It has happened at least twice.
Im not gone, I just dont log in that much (I read here alot though). And Im not stirring up trouble, I merely stated how I felt about charlotte not being friendly and constant rejection of "we dont like your kind around here" culture. which I have not received in any other cities I have lived in. To name a few: I lived in South Africa, New York City, New Orleans, Dallas, Asheville, Raleigh, and D.C. Charlotte has to be the worst when I comes to snobs. Just because it doesnt happen to you that doesnt mean you need to put me down and call me out for stating my opinion. Similar Story similar heritage, so what? It does happen, is it a crime to mention it?
Rstar, I feel similarly out of place and I am a single white woman in her mid 50's. I understand.
Aww...see im not the only one, thanks.
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People really were trying to help, not upset, the OP.
