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Old 10-21-2018, 09:07 PM
Location: planet earth
2,883 posts, read 1,014,551 times
Reputation: 6527


Originally Posted by Retired in Illinois View Post
I've known my wife for well over 50 yrs. We've been married for 53 yrs. So yes marriage can last a lifetime.
But the math . . .
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Old 10-21-2018, 09:26 PM
Location: Willamette valley, oregon
2,377 posts, read 639,448 times
Reputation: 3329
Originally Posted by tickyul View Post
Rarely, and if the couple stays together for life, most of the times things are not pretty after ten or so years.

So it's pretty bad after 10 years? My wife and I disagree after 40 years.
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Old 10-22-2018, 01:25 AM
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,995 posts, read 1,774,084 times
Reputation: 13775
Originally Posted by Rocko20 View Post
Agreed and good point. Certainly there are benefits to being married such as taxes, finances, stability for kids, companionship, etc. but the statistics reflect that each human is far too complex and ever-changing to be binded by a contract telling them who they’re allowed to be faithful to for the rest of their lives.

Being newly married myself, me and my wife have an understating that this is more about “longterm partnership” than any marriage.

Society touts marriage as the next logical step for young adults but more times than not, it only complicates an otherwise sincere relationship. As the saying goes, “Marriage, betting someone half your stuff you’ll love eachother forever.”
Ha; after I wrote that post I was thinking about what I had said when I remembered: “Hey, isn’t that OP engaged?”

I was going to come back & ask if all was well with your engagement but I see you are now actually married? Congratulations! I think you will be a very conscientious husband.
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Old 10-22-2018, 02:42 AM
5,470 posts, read 8,160,530 times
Reputation: 7279
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
Well, they don't end in divorce. Is that supposed to be the same thing?
In any other context a 50% "success" rate is pretty weak odds.

So... Succeed in continuing to exist? Maintaining their status quo? Inertia?
Now consider the role of medical advancement and legal encumbrance.

Sure the math is clear enough about what the effect of all this is on the numbers.
Do you really think that addresses the point of (the poorly phrased) OP topic question?
I don't.
Very good point:

Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
I think it is possible. How? Every morning I think about what I want, which is to stay married to my husband. Then I ask him what he wants. He says he wants to stay married to me. Great. Then you better do what I say..

The first sign that there is a problem in my household is I stop cooking. It is the most effective since it hits all of the senses. When I cook, I do it out of love and inspiration. If what is happening in my marriage doesn't inspire me or make me feel loved, then I simply can't perform. He needs to move quickly if he wants to eat and so the "talk" follows.

I know a lot of guys who are absolutely miserable, browbeaten, etc and merely stay together for financial reasons (first kids, then by the time they are out the house they are stuck financially.)
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Old 10-22-2018, 11:21 AM
379 posts, read 253,297 times
Reputation: 675
When considering historical marriages (120+ years ago) don't forget to take into account that A) women were considered property and B) divorce was often difficult to obtain, especially at the request of the woman. It's easier for marriages to last when the philosophy behind the marriage is more in line with Sir Robert Filmer than John Locke.

Last edited by rumline; 10-22-2018 at 11:33 AM..
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Old 10-22-2018, 12:30 PM
Location: Northern Maine
9,481 posts, read 14,283,094 times
Reputation: 8883
I am the fourth consecutive generation in my family to be married 50 years or more. None of those people regarded spouses as disposable. Today is 80 years since my parents were married. They are both gone, but both of my sons have a good chance at 50 years or more.
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Old 10-22-2018, 01:09 PM
2,730 posts, read 1,211,360 times
Reputation: 2089
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
With the great success of divorce, second to fifth marriages and singles beyond about thirty, I'm surprised everyone isn't lining-up to excitedly join these groups!

From the beginning, marriage was intended by God to be a lifetime commitment ... not a temporary convenience. Intact families are the core of a stable society.

Without the long-term commitment part, marriage is reduced to 'extended dating' and children become little more than an 'obstacle to one's personal enjoyment' or collateral damage whenever one party wants out.

BTW, we've been married 50-years, many of which were difficult, but, because of our level of commitment to each other, we worked things out.
Committed to what?? Husband or Husband's power? You should ask the first ladies H&M..
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Old 10-22-2018, 01:51 PM
3,961 posts, read 1,590,532 times
Reputation: 12349
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
You don't know that story. Ex gave me the nick.

Simple answer to the poorly phrased question.
This pablum level where you want to maintain this 'great debate' isn't the issue.

Most threads need a "sleight of hand" to get down to the real issue.
Absent "happiness and fulfillment" as you phrase it... describes what share of the continuing marriages?
If just 3%... then the rest of those numbers and the point you cling to crumble.

Keep trying. Look deeper.

Actually, I'm way more on point than you are. The original question did not introduce the notion of long-term happiness, only that of lifelong duration.

Even so, okay, you're divorced. That just means that you've allowed your broken marriage to color your thinking.

But let's look at the term 'realistic.' First, your completely random number of 3% is based on nothing. But even if it were, one chance in 33 falls certainly within the category of realistic. Yet I'm pretty certain that the very large majority of lifelong marriages, at least in Western society, are rewarding for both members. Perhaps not 100% all the time, but then what is?

This is especially true because the chance of success in marriage is not due to the random confluence of events, but rather are directly attributable to the attitudes and behavior of both its participants. Just like every other sphere of life outside the purchase of lottery tickets, success is highly dependent on what is invested in the enterprise. That is the real failure of the original question, for it doesn't seem to understand that the participants in marriage have agency to make it happy.

Marriages don't fail randomly. They fail because either 1) the two parties didn't choose well to begin with; 2) the two parties did not continually invest in creating and nurturing a strong relationship; and 3) a combination of the first two.

Back to the original question. The success or failure of any given marriage isn't the equivalent of roulette. It really hinges on how you and your partner approach matters.

Last edited by MinivanDriver; 10-22-2018 at 02:19 PM..
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Old 10-22-2018, 04:42 PM
Location: Central Texas
19,879 posts, read 36,379,125 times
Reputation: 21293
Originally Posted by tickyul View Post
Rarely, and if the couple stays together for life, most of the times things are not pretty after ten or so years.

Most of the time? Please don't get married, because you have a very warped view of what it is.

Not unsurprising in this me me me instant gratification if I don't like something I'll just take my ball and go home society we've built for ourselves.

But, yes, it is entirely realistic if adults who understand that life, never mind marriage, is not always rainbows and unicorns and that marriage, any real relationship, is hard work, and that those vows read the way they do for a reason.
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Old 10-22-2018, 06:02 PM
Location: Winterpeg
647 posts, read 228,180 times
Reputation: 2628
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
Everyone is different, though. I've always been the sort of person who thrives off change. Some people thrive off consistency and stability, and I'd think those types would be better suited for marriage.
I thrive off of change, too. And in my 25 years of marriage (literally half my life), we've had plenty of change. We were DINKS, became parents, moved inside cities and across country, both of us have changed careers, we've become empty nesters, we've had a myriad of hobbies, made and lost friendships, bought and sold houses...

The only thing that hasn't changed is my teammate in life. And it's nice always having someone in your corner, no matter what the next adventure is.
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