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It was an honest question. It's not something I've heard of before and culturally is a big no no for both sides of my family (which come from dramatically different backgrounds). I remember having to beg to go to my grandmother's funeral when I was 13 - before she died even *she* said I was too young to be there. My younger brother stayed at home (halfway across the country) and even my cousins who lived locally were not present.
My aunt died when I was 7 and my uncle died when I was 9. Children were not welcome at either funeral, and I likely would not have been able to go either way because of the travel expenses associated. Again, totally normal for my family and social circle. Thinking back on the last several funerals I've been to, both in my family and totally unassociated, there have been hundreds of people at each but no one under 12 or 13 - even grandchildren and great grandchildren who lived locally and were close to the deceased.
Either way, just because *you* think that a small child should go to a funeral doesn't mean it's acceptable to her family, particularly if she didn't have a relationship with the deceased and will have to travel from out of town for the funeral. We don't know that the child threw a temper tantrum and the mom acquiesced - I doubt *not* going on the trip was ever a consideration.
It's not just me. How would a child be shown they weren't welcome in your family? How would that even be discussed? Do they have a meeting and say " remember no children."
A few years after age 7 I was an altar boy at many funerals.
I don't think I have ever been to a funeral without children there.
Should they wait until they are 20 so they can start a thread on CD and ask strangers what do they do at a funeral?
I was 30 when I attended my first funeral (first grandparent death). Such a thread might have contained some helpful advice for me, such as, wearing all black is apparently no longer mandatory (or at least situational). My mother, sister, and I were literally the only three attendees wearing black.
Agree with others that the cousin would have done better to keep it short and vague. Unfortunately, many people do feel compelled to justify their actions/decisions in great detail (myself included for a long time, and I still fall into that trap). I made the mistake years ago of offering an explanation for why I would not be able to attend my father's uncle's funeral (a man I hadn't seen or talked to in 20 years who lived across the country) and I got my head bitten off. After that I stuck to a simple "I will not be able to attend" for any event I was not able to attend.
Also agree that you will have to make the next move if you decide to preserve this relationship. No way to tell if she's "laying low" or has just moved on herself, but your last conversation basically sent her the message of don't bother reaching out anymore.
And yes, these types of things will show you what kind of support to expect from which people going forward. The key is to just recognize this information and use it to inform decisions in the future. There is no point in nurturing a grudge or resentment about it when people don't rush to your side the way you expect. Not everyone is the drop-everything-to-fly-out-same-day-to-comfort-you type, and that's OK. If you need that kind of support, it's best to know in advance who you can count on for that and surround yourself with those types.
It's not just me. How would a child be shown they weren't welcome in your family? How would that even be discussed? Do they have a meeting and say " remember no children."
A few years after age 7 I was an altar boy at many funerals.
I don't think I have ever been to a funeral without children there.
I've only been to a handful of funerals, but I don't think there were children at any of them.
The most recent funeral I attended was a rather solemn Catholic service. We left the 2-yr-old with a babysitter. No regrets about that decision, I think it was the respectful thing to do.
It's not just me. How would a child be shown they weren't welcome in your family? How would that even be discussed? Do they have a meeting and say " remember no children."
A few years after age 7 I was an altar boy at many funerals.
I don't think I have ever been to a funeral without children there.
No one needs to be told in most cases - it's just not done. A child wouldn't be turned away, but it would come across as inappropriate. I say that as an assumption as it's literally never been done in my family, with the exception of me at my grandmother's funeral. The only time it was specifically said was with regards to that funeral - and she was a step grandmother from a totally different culture than either of my parents' families.
Trust me, I'm feeling as shocked that children go to funerals as you are that in other families children don't go!
And yes, these types of things will show you what kind of support to expect from which people going forward. The key is to just recognize this information and use it to inform decisions in the future. There is no point in nurturing a grudge or resentment about it when people don't rush to your side the way you expect. Not everyone is the drop-everything-to-fly-out-same-day-to-comfort-you type, and that's OK. If you need that kind of support, it's best to know in advance who you can count on for that and surround yourself with those types.
Let me speak as a very old man. I have only been to three funerals in my life. To go to a funeral is very hard for some people. I know a lot of people, that have never been to a funeral in their life, even when a close relative dies. It does not mean they are not suffering due to the death, but for them to be there is something they just do not handle well. For their own peace of mind, they just do not go to the funeral. It is not out of lack of respect to the deceased, or out of out of lack of respect to other relatives or friends, it is they handle the loss better on their own.
Those people can give you every reason in the world for not going, but for their own peace of mind they simply cannot go. It is not the actual funeral that keeps them away in most cases, it is everything else happening around the funeral for a few days. This is why celebrations of life are replacing funerals at a rapid rate.
Going to funerals is hard for most people. Your post screams "all about me". It makes me uncomfortable so I just won't do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae
Aside from this particular issue with my cousin, going to the funeral or not speaks to the nature of and depth of the relationship. When my Best friend's mother died I jumped on a plane and flew out to her. We live several states away from each other. I got to her house, found her in bed crying, and I immediately got into bed with her and held her as she cried. That's the nature of our relationship. I don't remember the funeral or services. The funeral wasn't the point. I was there because she's my best friend, she's my family, and she needed me. Obviously we can't be there for everyone and we're only there for those who mean the most to us. So, if you're not there for someone in a time of need then that shows where you stand with that person. And in some cases, like my case, it clarifies the nature of the relationship.
Yes, it does. And while this was incredibly painful for you, you now know this cousin isn't someone you can rely on for much. Whether it be can you watch my kids for a week, or if you were out of work and needed a loan or help networking. These kind of people don't extend themselves for anyone.
But it sounds like your cousin on the other side, is someone who will be there, and you for her.
Unfortunately we usually find out the hard way. But the good news is now you know going forward.
Casey, please, just let it go. Stress/grief/sadness makes us all do and say things we later wish we could take back. Give it a while then reach out to you favorite cousin in a friendly/non-judgmental way. Make up. You'll be glad you did.
^THIS!
I'm very sorry for your dad's passing. Mine is 93 and mom is 84, so I don't know first hand what it's like - but I know it can't be a happy go lucky feeling... by any means.
Your cousin was honest with you. You said you wish she'd would have lied - I find that hard to fully believe. You say that, but none of us like to be deceived... ever. No matter what it's over, we all much more prefer the truth.
She may regret not going and tending to her child's needs - but that's on her. Having her attend would not have brought your dad back - or eased the pain any. Her being there may have been supportive of you, but her goal is to first tend to her child, and that's the job of a parent.
I very much hope you two can get back to where you were before this 'event'...
...
Sorry, I would not feel the same way about someone who treated you like this. Doesn't mean you stop speaking to them, you just remember going forward how they were when you're in need. In difficult situations you find out who is there for you and who isn't, and it's not always the people you think it is.
When the chips are down you find out who is really your friend and whose isn't.
Happened to me years back. This doesn't mean I won't talk with the person.
However, I remember when I needed help who was there and who wasn't
I'm very sorry for your dad's passing. Mine is 93 and mom is 84, so I don't know first hand what it's like - but I know it can't be a happy go lucky feeling... by any means.
Your cousin was honest with you. You said you wish she'd would have lied - I find that hard to fully believe. You say that, but none of us like to be deceived... ever. No matter what it's over, we all much more prefer the truth.
She may regret not going and tending to her child's needs - but that's on her. Having her attend would not have brought your dad back - or eased the pain any. Her being there may have been supportive of you, but her goal is to first tend to her child, and that's the job of a parent.
I very much hope you two can get back to where you were before this 'event'...
make no mistake. Her telling me that going on vacation was more important than attending my father's funeral, more important than my father, more important than me was hard to hear at that moment. It was incredibly selfish. It was incredibly insensitive. This vacation honesty stuff simply does not fly. There is no diluting the impact of that decision. It will never go back to what we were before. What we were before was my delusion.
make no mistake. Her telling me that going on vacation was more important than attending my father's funeral, more important than my father, more important than me was hard to hear at that moment. It was incredibly selfish. It was incredibly insensitive. This vacation honesty stuff simply does not fly. There is no diluting the impact of that decision. It will never go back to what we were before. What we were before was my delusion.
I'm sorry for your loss and can understand why you feel hurt. However, I'm also anti-funeral and wouldn't want anyone to miss a vacation in order to attend one (although I can understand why you wouldn't want to hear about it). It would be nice if your cousin did follow through to reach out and show support in some other way.
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