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Some people do not deserve to have children. Your mom was one. This has nothing to do with you, and with, what appears to be her mental illness.
I don't think you will ever get a reasonable explanation for her irrationallibity. I don't think there is one. Because of that I think you would only hurt yourself more trying to get some form of closure.
You are a testament to human spirit. You travailed, when you should have failed. Take your triumph and move forward.
If your mother kicked you out at age 16, would you still talk to her?
After reading this title I thought you were going to tell us that you burned down your school, were arrested for Grand Theft Auto or something of that nature but that wasn't the case at all. Sadly, there are quite a few people out there who just aren't cut out to be parents and your Mother sounds like one of them. As others have said I think you should move on with your life without her. It's completely irresponsible to leave a sixteen year old homeless and in potential danger in those circumstances. Good luck to you.
I know you are hurting now and have hurt for many years. But getting an answer probably will not stop the hurting. The one person who should have been there, on your side, protecting you kicked you out to fend for yourself. And then a stranger took you in and gave you what you'd never had before: acceptance as a person, an individual. And that woman became your mother.
Being an egg donor does not entitle one to be called mother. Nurturing and caring for another are some of the attributes we attribute to the "title" of mother. Sometimes one person is both, a bio parent and a mother. And sometimes not. So sometimes we need to look elsewhere for a mother-figure. You have already found a mother - someone who cared about you back then, gave you shelter, food, and love. If she's not fulfilling all your needs to be parented, then seek out those parts in friends. No one person has to be everything, to fill all of our needs - - we can have our needs fulfilled in pieces by different people.
It is time to forgive your egg-donor for not being the mother you needed and wanted her to be. Do not forgive her because it will make her feel better about herself or because she has asked for forgiveness - if she ever does; forgive her so that you can move on. Realize that she was not capable of loving you for whatever reason and forgive her for that failing of hers. Be kind in your thoughts of her - she was not capable of doing any better. This is how you begin to heal and move on.
And when you look inside yourself, give yourself credit - enormous credit - for having made of yourself someone you are proud of - for being a loving, caring person -- for having the ability to love. Be very proud of yourself.
I dont have a relationship with my father at all. He left when I was 11 yrs old. He had been having an affair and when his girlfriend got tired of waiting around she made a phone call to our home letting my mother know what was up. My dad moved out that night and not even giving us kids a glance as he walked out the door. The next day the lights, phone and gas were shut off. He got himself a new pad with his girlfriend and cut off all the utilities as if he just simply moved from one residence to another. It took my mother months to get everything back on as the utilities were always in my dad's name and she had to save up money for deposits on everything. My dad could have cared less. He hardly ever paid support and we struggled.
Wow, this is surreal... I think you posted a similar story about your husband. It's odd how both of you went through this... I understand your confusion as a child, but I'd never keep in any contact with such a "father" as an adult.
I have heard of other men doing what you father did and never could relate to it. How could you possibly abandon your own flesh and blood and take on somebody else's kids is beyond me... At least if they were his own with the new wife I'd have a little easier time getting it, even though it's still a horrible thing to do to your other children.
I am sorry you are hurting. Try thinking of it the way I do: she did you a favor. As an adult you are likely more self-sufficient, mature and resourceful.
I was also "kicked out" (I see it as freed) when I was 16 by my mother. I still talk to her but our discussions are superficial and in truth I only speak to her b/c I know if told her to go on like I did my father she would commit suicide, so I feel obligated.
Ultimately it is your decision. If she can bring something positive to your life go for it, if you are going to feel remorseful for not attempting a relationship then for your own sanity do it, but just from this one side of the story, if you are doing it to get answers don't be disappointed if you don't get them. good luck
Wow, this is surreal... I think you posted a similar story about your husband. It's odd how both of you went through this... I understand your confusion as a child, but I'd never keep in any contact with such a "father" as an adult.
I have heard of other men doing what you father did and never could relate to it. How could you possibly abandon your own flesh and blood and take on somebody else's kids is beyond me... At least if they were his own with the new wife I'd have a little easier time getting it, even though it's still a horrible thing to do to your other children.
Thanks for the kind words, but that is not my post.
MY father was a deadbeat and I actually just recently came into contact with him for the first time at age 26. Oh and btw, it was through facebook via his son. Not him, he used his son, who is 13 years old, and 'his son' wrote me this heartfelt note saying how 'he has dreamt of meeting me his whole life and saying such things that in my opinion a normal 13 year old boy would not say. I accepted the request out of plain curiosity, I mean it was my biological father's son so I wanted to see what would happen if I said yes.
It wasn't until after like 5 months my father finally sent me a letter in the mail on Christmas, which is funny because I had just mentioned to my grandpa, his dad, about how I was unhappy he didn't just contact me himself instead of hiding behind his new son. The letter didn't say much about how sorry he was for NEVER being there, but talked up his son a lot, how he gets voice, piano, guitar, saxophone, and hockey lessons. How he just bought his SON a brand new Fender guitar. (You don't realize how MUCH this hurts me, my dream was to be a singer, but I never got any lessons, much less a call on Christmas, a birthday card, NOTHING.) He brags up his son about how he is going to be 'famous'. That's what his son's dream is - same as mine.
After much debate, I finally decided to talk with him on the phone and guess what? He put his SON on. Long story short, as there are many more details to this (maybe I should post a question about this as well), basically from what facts I've gathered from this situation, my father's wife put him up to it and it was all so they're son could have a 'sister', since that is the ONE thing they cannot give him. My grandpa had said they can't have any more kids and their son wanted a sibling really bad so putting 2 and 2 together, I think the only reason I was contacted was because they wanted their son to be happy. I stopped answering when my father would call because every time I answered, excited to catch up and possibly get to know my real dad (maybe, just maybe), it was like oh here's (son). Seriously? Is that all you wanted from me?
I have not cut ties with him yet, as I still feel there is some more to this whole thing, although it is SO painful to know that not only did I have a horrible mother, my dad wasn't a part of my life and now I'm supposed to be a supportive loving sister to his new kid, my "replacement". Never gave me the time of day my entire life and now I get to see all the father/son pictures on FACEBOOK, my dad in his brand new workshop, 4-wheelers and toys, taking vacations, going to concerts, and chiming in on my profile to tell me I'm missing out on the fun, while I sit and struggle STILL trying to make ends meet. Looking at his son's picture, with his cute little braces, I remember my mom going to court over getting help for braces for me. My dad's excuse for never helping is because he 'didn't like my mom'. Oh so you just forget about me and leave me to deal with her?
He gives his son EVERYTHING I never even had a chance to have and yes that bothers me - A LOT.
I apologize for such a long answer, it just came out and kinda felt good to vent about it.
That said, I don't know how it will all turn out, but I can say that forgiveness is probably one of the hardest virtues to learn, and maybe that is what I'm here to learn in this lifetime, idk. I have TRIED so hard to forgive my parents and I just can't do it. I hope one day, if not in this lifetime the next, they get to experience the pain they caused me. The damage is done and although I can maybe forgive them one day, that still doesn't take the hurt away.
Some people do not deserve to have children. Your mom was one. This has nothing to do with you, and with, what appears to be her mental illness.
I don't think you will ever get a reasonable explanation for her irrationallibity. I don't think there is one. Because of that I think you would only hurt yourself more trying to get some form of closure.
You are a testament to human spirit. You travailed, when you should have failed. Take your triumph and move forward.
I am sorry you are hurting. Try thinking of it the way I do: she did you a favor. As an adult you are likely more self-sufficient, mature and resourceful.
I was also "kicked out" (I see it as freed) when I was 16 by my mother. I still talk to her but our discussions are superficial and in truth I only speak to her b/c I know if told her to go on like I did my father she would commit suicide, so I feel obligated.
Ultimately it is your decision. If she can bring something positive to your life go for it, if you are going to feel remorseful for not attempting a relationship then for your own sanity do it, but just from this one side of the story, if you are doing it to get answers don't be disappointed if you don't get them. good luck
And when you look inside yourself, give yourself credit - enormous credit - for having made of yourself someone you are proud of - for being a loving, caring person -- for having the ability to love. Be very proud of yourself.
Brought tears to my eyes, made me feel tremendously better.
My mom did this to me. I got off of the bus, walked up to the door like I did every school day, only to find the door locked and a note explaining I was no longer welcome to live there. Shocked and upset I walked to a friend's house, called my bf, and he came and got me. His mom let me live at their house, took me in like her own. She was a single mother of 4 boys. My mom a single mother of 1 girl, me.
My mom is one of a kind. She is an animal FREAK. I love animals, but this woman is one of those that treats them like humans. My mom brought in a stray dog that she found on our road. This dog had apparently been abused because a whole litter of them were brought into the local humane society where my mom worked part time. So this explained it's temperament, because ever since we took it in, it randomly attacked me. It attacked me so badly one time that my mom's boyfriend had to convince my mom to take me to the hospital to see if I needed stitches, which I did. The whole way there my mom kept reiterating that I was NOT under any circumstances to tell them that OUR dog did this. She didn't want the dog to be put sleep I guess, idk. Seemed to me she cared a lot more for the dog than her own child. After that incident, she kept the dog on a leash when she was home, in a kennel when she was gone. He growled at me all the time. It attacked my cousin. Tore up her pants. Drug a rather heavy recliner across the living room trying to get to one of my friends. My friend never came back over again.
I could go on about things she has done and said to me that most normal people I'm sure would cringe at. It makes me cringe and I'm the one who deals with it.
I don't really understand why she just all of a sudden without warning decided to 'kick me out'. We lived in a crappy, run down trailer for 12 years. We moved in with her bf into this private residential community. It's a NICE place to live. The only explanation I can come up with is I just didn't fit into her new 'perfect' life. I don't know. I mean, I wasn't perfect, we had our problems, but looking back I think I was a normal teenager. Got me asking myself what did you do?
I've got kids of my own now and they are so precious to me. I just don't understand why she did that to me. I felt and still feel so unloved.
So I was wondering if I should try to make amends or just move on. What would you do? It's such a weird situation. I have talked to her since this happened and I try to talk to her about it all and how it makes me feel to see if she will feel even the slightest bit sorry. Not a chance. She acts like nothing ever happened. It's really frustrating. My bf thinks I should just forget her and move on with my life.
Like so many, you are dealing with valid feelings of abandonment. Therapy will really help you deal with those feelings!
It is amazing to me the people who are able to give birth to children! Thankfully, many really quality and good human beings come from such bad, bad parenting.
I doubt seriously she will ever come around if, she won't even admit to her bad behavior.
You and a therapist should help you decide if it is worth the effort or just set you up for more sorrow and disappointment. Good luck!!!
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