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You yourself have admitted you found a nice replacement mom. When I was 16 I looked up my no good father. He was remarried with 3 kids. Never a birthday card, never a call, nothing. Acting like I didn't exist. Ohh now that your here, what do you want? Deadbeat, more than $8000 in arrears in CS. At 20.00 a week! He lived about 9 miles from us.
I never had a father growing up. My immediate family is all messed up. But my extended family is awesome. I don't have a single father figure, I have a half dozen. I was good to people, friends. Some used it, some really appreciated it. Eventually I learned to stick with the winners. And sometimes, rarely, but sometimes when you stop trying? Some people shock you and start trying.
I'm big in recovery, AA. I work with many people whose biggest hurdle is letting go of bad family. I can't understand my father. I don't take it personally anymore because I know so many people who think he's a bastard. Dwelling on it kills you. Letting go frees you.
My dad is similar to yours it sounds like, I feel your pain. I didn't say much about my dad on here, it was more about my mother, but I did post a little on here recently about him if you want to read it.
Wow. I can't believe he lived that close to you and still didn't even make an attempt. I can see why letting go of bad family is difficult. It's like I have this unconditional love for these people, but at the same time contempt for how I was treated, like I know I deserved more. For a long time, I thought it was MY fault. Glad to hear you are able to do something about it and attend AA. I agree dwelling on it kills you. I wish it wouldn't be so difficult to let go.
I want to thank everyone to contributed to this post. You have no idea how much better you all made me feel. Due to the situation I'm in, I haven't really had the time to go out and make friends, so being able to interact with others on this forum helps a lot. Again, I really appreciate the kindness and positivity you all have shown me. My heart goes out to anyone else who has ever dealt with a similar situation. Bless your hearts. <3
Thanks for your post. Sorry to hear about that situation. At least he has you and sounds like you are still there for him. Yea I think the reason I have even tried to 'make it work' is because of the people who say that. I don't know, seems like a lot of wasted effort on my part. Don't even get me started about my father. Waited until I was 26 years old and decides the best way to contact me is to have his 13 year old son do it - by facebook, of course. And guess what, his son has it ALL. Everything I NEVER had. That sure makes me feel good.
Hi, Kiwi...
Does your boyfriend love you? Do you have friends who love you? I'll bet that yes is the answer for both questions. How do I know? Because I know the difference between you and your mom. If you were not a good person who can give and receive love, your boyfriend's Mom would have never have loved you like she does.
Be careful and don't falling into the trap of thinking that a lot of junk, private lessons, or whatever is the same as love. The fact is, it's a poor substitute for love. Why does your 13-year-old step-bro want a sibling so bad? Because he's not getting much love.
Your mother was emotionally crippled long before you ever came along. She did you a favor- if you had lived with her longer, you would have only become more damaged and like her. Her current boyfriend is not living in a bed of roses with her, either. She will find a way to wreck every single good thing in her life that ever comes her way, and will never change. She is nothing but an empty shell imitating a human being.
It's a very sad thing you got a double whammy. I hope you can get some therapy and find some inner peace. I believe you can.
Last edited by banjomike; 08-18-2011 at 12:27 PM..
Insanity exists. The fact that she did what she did with the dog shows a lack of sanity and caring for her family.
You can be a good person and still have someone treat you like dirt. Its ridiculous to think otherwise. That is what abusive parents do! Take out all their crap they haven't sorted on the kids. I don't think its too crazy you don't believe it because that type of nutty behavior is unbelievable. But it happens.
Charlie Manson's mother was a hooker that sold him as a baby for a bottle of beer. Just because you breed doesn't mean you are a good loving mother.
This is true, I'm glad you pointed this out because that is a good point.
I think there is a hint of mental illness in this situation. My mother's mother was also 'crazy'. Huntington's disease runs in the family. My Grandpa had it, my aunt had it, and I don't really know if my grandma has it, but she is definitely mentally ill to some level. She has more schizophrenic symptoms in my opinion. She is just plain mean. Vicious. She finds something wrong in every aspect of life. Negativity is unbelievable. Goes OFF on you for NO reason. Nobody can deal with her. My mom, though, she has that obsession with dogs/animals. She also, I've noticed, seems to live in her own world and tends to remember things differently to make her 'situation' better. It is extremely difficult to explain this and understand what I'm talking about if you are not around it. How do you deal with someone like that? It's just an awkward and confusing. This is what keeps me wondering if I should or shouldn't be a part of her life and just 'deal' with it. I mentioned this to my bf, that maybe the way she is the way she is is because of HER mother. He disagrees with me saying that is no excuse because my mom was like that to me and I'M not like her, so it's just really, really mind boggling to think about all this.
Like I said there are many many details I have not posted on here. I could go on and on.
Seems though that the main question might need to be how do you deal with mentally ill people, abusive people?
What you described is a manifestation of NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Your Mom's case just sounds a bit more severe than most.
Narcissists, in my experience, divide beings (not always people, as you have seen) into three categories:
1) Beings whose qualities they want to import, or whose qualities reflect the Narcissist's idealized self-image. Those are entities the Narcissist puts on a pedestal.
2) Beings who are a threat....competition. I know a very wise man from a culture which drives people insane and produces much Narcissism. He says, "People hate those who are a little above them, and a little below them. They worship those far above them, and pity those far below them."
3) The little and pitiful. Narcies surround themselves with beings they think "need" them. And they will deliberately destroy people mentally, in order to keep them pitiful and dependent. Stick around, and that's what she'll do to you.
Seems to me your Mom sees you as competition. You're strong and smart, and can't be kept down. The Dogs, on the other hand, will always be little and stupid and totally dependent on her. (BTW...as a side note... what she did regarding the Dog that attacked you is called Aggression by Proxy. Narcissists deliberately allow their dogs and their kids to be aggressors. There is nothing innocent or accidental about this.)
I'll describe a different manifestation of Narcissism: TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, the common people of England were being thrown off their commonly-held land by an increasingly alien Aristocracy. Some were driven into the slums of London, to be worked to death as Wage Slaves. Some were tricked or outright seized and sold, as 'Indentured Servants', to be worked to death on the plantations of the New World. Some were 'press-ganged' into slavery in the Merchant Marine. Some were shipped off to 'Penal Colonies' like Australia. These were beautiful, intelligent people whom the Aristocrats viewed as dangerous competition.
At the same time, these same sanctimonious Aristos were funding 'Missionary Work' in the Jungles of the world. "Help the Savages" help the poor, ignorant whatever.... Those Aristos saw the 'Poor Brown Savages' in the same way that your Mom sees the Dogs: as being so innately inferior that they could never be competition. The Elites' love for those they see as hopelessly inferior, and their hatred for those who might be prettier and smarter than themselves, has resulted in limitless immigration from the Third World, and most recently, has resulted in London's horrific rioting (more Aggression by Proxy, BTW... the Elites really do want to destroy the English People).
You do see the connection between TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY and your Mom's love of the Dogs, don't you? Her loyalty should be to you, not to the Dogs. The Aristos' loyalty should have been to the people on the lands they governed. But Narcissism/Jealousy in both cases has perverted normal loyalty, and caused the Narcissist to attach loyalty to beings which (at least in the Narci Brain) were hopelessly inferior and could never pose a threat to the Narcissist's ascendancy.
And note that while the aristocratic English Narcissist used TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY, directed toward "Brown Savages" in far away jungles, to bolster his self-image as 'noble', 'kind', 'generous' (while causing his own people to be starved/sold/killed), your Mom seems to be bolstering her self-image as 'compassionate', 'loving', 'seeking "Unconditional Love", 'nurturing' (while putting you in harm's way, and finally throwing you out), through her "ministry" unto the poor, little Dogs.
Personality Disorders generally only grow worse with age. Sounds like you have a great NEW Mom. If it were me, I'd shower the new one with love and gratitude (and forget the old one ever existed).
(My Mom was a substance-abusing mess, who kept us in dire poverty. Her personality was so far gone by the time I knew her, I have no idea what her underlying pathologies were. But I moved away to College, found a great guy, and forgot about her, and our whole awful little village. Prominent people adopted us, basically, as their kids. Though later I bought Mom (what was left of her, anyway) a fine brick home and a black Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham (and a man to drive her around), I never infected DH or my kids with knowing her. For me, it was like sending a closed ledger off to the Bookbinders.)
Hi, Kiwi...
Does your boyfriend love you? Do you have friends who love you? I'll bet that yes is the answer for both questions. How do I know? Because I know the difference between you and your mom. If you were not a good person who can give and receive love, your boyfriend's Mom would have never have loved you like she does.
Be careful and don't falling into the trap of thinking that a lot of junk, private lessons, or whatever is the same as love. The fact is, it's a poor substitute for love. Why does your 13-year-old step-bro want a sibling so bad? Because he's not getting much love.
Your mother was emotionally crippled long before you ever came along. She did you a favor- if you had lived with her longer, you would have only become more damaged and like her. Her current boyfriend is not living in a bed of roses with her, either. She will find a way to wreck every single good thing in her life that ever comes her way, and will never change. She is nothing but an empty shell imitating a human being.
It's a very sad thing you got a double whammy. I hope you can get some therapy and find some inner peace. I believe you can.
Thank you for your reply. You're right, I am so lucky to have the most loving boyfriend and some really great friends (although I don't get to enjoy my friends as much since we had to move away from them, which makes me sad, but I do get to visit them). I think the reason I'm bothered by the fact that his son gets all those 'things' is because I compare it to the conditions I was raised in. I was made fun of so badly in school for not wearing nice clothes, not being able to afford being in any hobbies, and we lived in a dump, other kids parents didn't want their kids staying with me for a sleepover, that's for sure. Admittedly, I am jealous. I try to look at the bright side though, I am stronger because of what I've been through.
I think you're right that if I were to have stayed longer with her it would have possibly caused more damage. I am so grateful to my boyfriend's mom for letting me live with her. She had her hands full with raising 4 boys on her own and yet she still insisted that I'd be no burden at all. Really an amazing woman.
What you described is a manifestation of NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Your Mom's case just sounds a bit more severe than most.
Narcissists, in my experience, divide beings (not always people, as you have seen) into three categories:
1) Beings whose qualities they want to import, or whose qualities reflect the Narcissist's idealized self-image. Those are entities the Narcissist puts on a pedestal.
2) Beings who are a threat....competition. I know a very wise man from a culture which drives people insane and produces much Narcissism. He says, "People hate those who are a little above them, and a little below them. They worship those far above them, and pity those far below them."
3) The little and pitiful. Narcies surround themselves with beings they think "need" them. And they will deliberately destroy people mentally, in order to keep them pitiful and dependent. Stick around, and that's what she'll do to you.
Seems to me your Mom sees you as competition. You're strong and smart, and can't be kept down. The Dogs, on the other hand, will always be little and stupid and totally dependent on her. (BTW...as a side note... what she did regarding the Dog that attacked you is called Aggression by Proxy. Narcissists deliberately allow their dogs and their kids to be aggressors. There is nothing innocent or accidental about this.)
I'll describe a different manifestation of Narcissism: TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, the common people of England were being thrown off their commonly-held land by an increasingly alien Aristocracy. Some were driven into the slums of London, to be worked to death as Wage Slaves. Some were tricked or outright seized and sold, as 'Indentured Servants', to be worked to death on the plantations of the New World. Some were 'press-ganged' into slavery in the Merchant Marine. Some were shipped off to 'Penal Colonies' like Australia. These were beautiful, intelligent people whom the Aristocrats viewed as dangerous competition.
At the same time, these same sanctimonious Aristos were funding 'Missionary Work' in the Jungles of the world. "Help the Savages" help the poor, ignorant whatever.... Those Aristos saw the 'Poor Brown Savages' in the same way that your Mom sees the Dogs: as being so innately inferior that they could never be competition. The Elites' love for those they see as hopelessly inferior, and their hatred for those who might be prettier and smarter than themselves, has resulted in limitless immigration from the Third World, and most recently, has resulted in London's horrific rioting (more Aggression by Proxy, BTW... the Elites really do want to destroy the English People).
You do see the connection between TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY and your Mom's love of the Dogs, don't you? Her loyalty should be to you, not to the Dogs. The Aristos' loyalty should have been to the people on the lands they governed. But Narcissism/Jealousy in both cases has perverted normal loyalty, and caused the Narcissist to attach loyalty to beings which (at least in the Narci Brain) were hopelessly inferior and could never pose a threat to the Narcissist's ascendancy.
And note that while the aristocratic English Narcissist used TELESCOPIC PHILANTHROPY, directed toward "Brown Savages" in far away jungles, to bolster his self-image as 'noble', 'kind', 'generous' (while causing his own people to be starved/sold/killed), your Mom seems to be bolstering her self-image as 'compassionate', 'loving', 'seeking "Unconditional Love", 'nurturing' (while putting you in harm's way, and finally throwing you out), through her "ministry" unto the poor, little Dogs.
Personality Disorders generally only grow worse with age. Sounds like you have a great NEW Mom. If it were me, I'd shower the new one with love and gratitude (and forget the old one ever existed).
(My Mom was a substance-abusing mess, who kept us in dire poverty. Her personality was so far gone by the time I knew her, I have no idea what her underlying pathologies were. But I moved away to College, found a great guy, and forgot about her, and our whole awful little village. Prominent people adopted us, basically, as their kids. Though later I bought Mom (what was left of her, anyway) a fine brick home and a black Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham (and a man to drive her around), I never infected DH or my kids with knowing her. For me, it was like sending a closed ledger off to the Bookbinders.)
Oh my gosh. Very, very good post.
"your Mom seems to be bolstering her self-image as 'compassionate', 'loving', 'seeking "Unconditional Love", 'nurturing' (while putting you in harm's way, and finally throwing you out), through her "ministry" unto the poor, little Dogs."
This is my mom to a T. I was an only child. It seems as though (and this sounds crazy even saying it) that my mom kinda treated the dogs like my siblings, but if anything bad happened (like attacking me) it was MY fault because "the dog doesn't know any better, it's an innocent dog." Someone had told me once that my mom put dogs on a pedestal and that is why the dog felt it could attack me, because it was ABOVE me.
You really described it well, better than I can describe it. Thanks for sharing this.
But what is your relationship with your mother like today? You wrote that you've "talked", but is there any connection? Does it appear important to her that you have this limited display of mother-daughter relationship? Or does she remain pretty much detached?
You sound like you really love your mother, so obviously something was right in your lives together before she became mental with the animals (and, yes, I do consider this a borderline mental issue; in fact, she could have been charged with child endangerment).
Your future doesn't sound good. If she isn't changing where the animals are concerned then you cannot take her in or be very active in her life when she needs help. At some point she will be forced to sacrifice her animals (or die living in her house), and things would get ugly.
She does not seem concerned at all about my feelings. It is all...about...her. She acts like nothing ever happened and if I try and bring it up, she'll either try to joke about it or hang up on me. We did have some sort of 'relationship' going for a little bit, but for the time being we are not speaking.
Yes I do love her and that's why it's so hard for me to not call her. I might be an 'enabler' because after we fight, I usually call her back and try again, thus letting her think she can do no wrong. Only setting myself up for failure over and over. I think somehow, relating to the Aristocrat post, that I may have been dependent on her, but somehow she is dependent on me now that she can no longer be dependent on her mother. Hope that made sense lol. Maybe it will be better for her as well as me to not stay in contact.
She does not seem concerned at all about my feelings. It is all...about...her. She acts like nothing ever happened and if I try and bring it up, she'll either try to joke about it or hang up on me. We did have some sort of 'relationship' going for a little bit, but for the time being we are not speaking.
Yes I do love her and that's why it's so hard for me to not call her. I might be an 'enabler' because after we fight, I usually call her back and try again, thus letting her think she can do no wrong. Only setting myself up for failure over and over. I think somehow, relating to the Aristocrat post, that I may have been dependent on her, but somehow she is dependent on me now that she can no longer be dependent on her mother. Hope that made sense lol. Maybe it will be better for her as well as me to not stay in contact.
I came upon this thread by accident. Shocking how normal you are by your writing given your 'parents'. You really should go to a good counselor who can help you with feelings and decisions on how to deal with them both. Your Mom may not be capable of love, love is shown in some way, it's a verb, not just a feeling. I'd let your Mom call you rather than you call her, but don't let her use you (if she tends to do that). I didn't read all about your mother. Your father, maybe you'd want to call him and ask him to meet you ALONE for lunch, the park, or where ever you think 'he' might want to go. When you meet tell him how you feel about what you would like from him, and be prepared for what you think he will say. If you make any headway tell him or show him your above post on him and his son. From the things he said to you and said about his son...it sounds like either cruelty or extreme self centeredness along with basic lack of caring for others feelings.
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