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Your story is sad but not unusual.
Your father's awful sin was pathetic and horrible but not unusual.
Your mother's reaction to it was cowardly and selfish but not unusual.
Despite the cruelties bestowed upon you at an early age, you've grown into a strong woman. That's not unusual either.
My late wife was molested at a young age by her mother's alcoholic roomy. I helped her write a book for victims of childhood sexual abuse. She was the smartest and most understanding person I've ever had the privilege to know.
My current wife was molested by her own father from the age of 2 until she was old enough (at 12) to threaten to kill him if he ever touched her again. She and I co-hosted a board for victims of sexual abuse. She's also a very strong and caring person. And it's not just me that thinks this. Her daughter and her daughter's friends think of her as a legend! (Really!)
My wife went through much the same type of childhood as did you. She was also verbally abused, called ugly and stupid (though she's far from either). Even though her mother knew what was going on, she did nothing to stop it. In fact, she apparently saw her as "the other woman." (At age 2?!) She was kicked out of the house the day she graduated from high school -- no money, no nothing. "Out!"
I guess her mother, after a few more years, could no longer live with what she had allowed to happen (to both my wife and her older sister), and on a Mothers Day put a .38 to her head and ended it. My wife has never been able to forgive her, especially for that, for she was found by her youngest son, my wife's little brother, and he's never gotten over it.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. You were the innocent victim, but you're also the survivor. I have a special respect for survivors of childhood abuse as yourself.
My only advice isn't needed, as it would have been to see a therapist. You're a step ahead of me.
Confused, like many others in this thread, I was once a survivor of incest. At one time, I had no contact with any of my family while I worked through my emotions and healed. I am now 63 and truly have worked through it and consider myself a thriver. You will get there, you lived through it once at a very young age, you are surviving it now with knowledge and shared memories and a rekindling of the relationships with your sisters. With hard work, you will thrive, I have no doubt. You are, as many have said, strong in many ways.
You ARE a good girl. You are also a capable, competent woman with much going for you.
Hugs.
And to the others who shared their empathy and stories with you, hugs to all.
Today the priest is coming. My mom is still very disoriented and may not even be able to take advantage of the opportunity. My sisters and I are bracing ourselves. I realized that maybe what happened to me is not the worst of it. My father seems pretty much capable of anything. Maybe there is a much more ominous confession on the horizon. I am waiting, apprehensively. She keeps waking up in the night and asking what happens after you die. My little sister (much more religious than I) has been praying with her.
My mother was always in search of approval from her own father who was very cold and distant. I know that her childhood was less than rosy, and I am sure she was physically abused. But that does not, in my mind at least, excuse her. Hell, I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused and I have never played that behavior out with others. I had decided years ago to wait to have children until I felt healthy enough, accepting the possibility that it might just take longer than my fertility window. I would NEVER participate in such a conspiracy of silence and abuse, and I am betting any childhood she experienced was in no way worse than the ones she created for her own children. Though I certainly understand that her past is part of the equation, I don't believe it gave her carte blanche to behave in any way she felt.
My mother was always in search of approval from her own father who was very cold and distant. I know that her childhood was less than rosy, and I am sure she was physically abused.
It does explain your mother's attitude towards her husband and later her boyfriend (still seeking male approval) and her ability to emotionally detach herself from her children. The bottom line though is, as a young adult, before she married and had children, she could have chosen to get some help to deal with the trauma of her childhood.
It does explain your mother's attitude towards her husband and later her boyfriend (still seeking male approval) and her ability to emotionally detach herself from her children. The bottom line though is, as a young adult, before she married and had children, she could have chosen to get some help to deal with the trauma of her childhood.
While true back then things would have been way different if she had not to mention being labeled a crazy person right from the git go. First off nobody talked about these things ever. It never happened, not to be discussed never,ever. Secondly, it was surely her fault as she must have done something to ask for it. These were the attitudes present many years ago or am I wrong?
While true back then things would have been way different if she had not to mention being labeled a crazy person right from the git go. First off nobody talked about these things ever. It never happened, not to be discussed never,ever. Secondly, it was surely her fault as she must have done something to ask for it. These were the attitudes present many years ago or am I wrong?
You are not wrong. In fact, you are horribly correct. When I was raped, it was my fault. It didn't matter how young I was, it only mattered that I was now damaged goods. That was in the very early 60s. I am guessing I am close in age to the OP's mother. Therapy was never considered - in fact, it was only the rich who had access.
[quote=NY Annie;28727439]You are not wrong. In fact, you are horribly correct. When I was raped, it was my fault. It didn't matter how young I was, it only mattered that I was now damaged goods. That was in the very early 60s. I am guessing I am close in age to the OP's mother. Therapy was never considered - in fact, it was only the rich who had access.[/quote]
Uh, sorry, no no no to this generational excuse.
I have been following this thread with my heart in my throat and will share my own experience. My sister was abused by a man who was "courting" my mama. My mother avoided having any men around her kids but she had met him at our church and he ingratiated himself during church functions. We were in the Bronx, she was working 3 jobs, and our biological father had skipped out after my youngest sibling was born.
This scum came over one day while my sister was home sick from school with the excuse that he was dropping off something for mama. He proceeded to molest my sister. My sister was terrified and waited a week before telling. My mama IMMEDIATELY went to the police and outed him in front of the entire church and neighborhood. We were poor, black, urban with NO resources. My mother is in her 60s now, so this was not during a time when there were a lot of talk shows about sexual abuse. There may have been some talk around the neighborhood about it being my sister's fault-- if there was, I never heard it. I do know that the perp mysteriously had to leave the area in the middle of the night with a broken kneecap. He ended up serving a short jail sentence and was never heard from again.
This is an appropriate response, OP. This whole "understand where she is coming from! It was a different time!" IS AN EXCUSE. My mama was beat by her father and who knows what else but she would not tolerate for a second anything happening to us. SHe always says that she regrets not being able to protect my sister because she was working so much. She gets to talking about it and she cries, even to this day. And she absolutely did what she should have to handle this business. There is no excuse. EVER. to let this happen to your kids and stand by the man who did it. NONE.
OP, I feel for you. You are strong and smart. You will make it through.
It does explain your mother's attitude towards her husband and later her boyfriend (still seeking male approval) and her ability to emotionally detach herself from her children. The bottom line though is, as a young adult, before she married and had children, she could have chosen to get some help to deal with the trauma of her childhood.
Or she could have just put a bullet in his head when she found out....
You are not wrong. In fact, you are horribly correct. When I was raped, it was my fault. It didn't matter how young I was, it only mattered that I was now damaged goods. That was in the very early 60s. I am guessing I am close in age to the OP's mother. Therapy was never considered - in fact, it was only the rich who had access.[/quote]
Uh, sorry, no no no to this generational excuse.
I have been following this thread with my heart in my throat and will share my own experience. My sister was abused by a man who was "courting" my mama. My mother avoided having any men around her kids but she had met him at our church and he ingratiated himself during church functions. We were in the Bronx, she was working 3 jobs, and our biological father had skipped out after my youngest sibling was born.
This scum came over one day while my sister was home sick from school with the excuse that he was dropping off something for mama. He proceeded to molest my sister. My sister was terrified and waited a week before telling. My mama IMMEDIATELY went to the police and outed him in front of the entire church and neighborhood. We were poor, black, urban with NO resources. My mother is in her 60s now, so this was not during a time when there were a lot of talk shows about sexual abuse. There may have been some talk around the neighborhood about it being my sister's fault-- if there was, I never heard it. I do know that the perp mysteriously had to leave the area in the middle of the night with a broken kneecap. He ended up serving a short jail sentence and was never heard from again.
This is an appropriate response, OP. This whole "understand where she is coming from! It was a different time!" IS AN EXCUSE. My mama was beat by her father and who knows what else but she would not tolerate for a second anything happening to us. SHe always says that she regrets not being able to protect my sister because she was working so much. She gets to talking about it and she cries, even to this day. And she absolutely did what she should have to handle this business. There is no excuse. EVER. to let this happen to your kids and stand by the man who did it. NONE.
OP, I feel for you. You are strong and smart. You will make it through.
Since your Mom and I are the same age, the difference is in the generation for your sister. Understanding the times and the thinking of the times does not excuse the behavior, it explains it. Explanations do help to work through the issues people are facing. Knowledge is freeing... and empowering.
I certainly did not excuse the OP's mother's behavior.
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