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I've lived through a different time when neighbors, co-workers, even family seemed to put a high value on friendships.
Now it seems no one has time for even casual, genuine conversation, much less making new friends.
Then you have to watch everything you say and how you say it so as not to ''offend'' the ''pc'' mindsets that dominate everything.
Forget joking and a sense of humor and joy in life. Those attitudes don't fit in anymore either. It's all so dull and serious now.
I've always found it easy to get to know people and make friends, but no more. It's become like ''work'' with little reciprocity, so I find myself withdrawing from others and just becoming more of a loner.
It's just gottten this way for me within the last ten years or so. I just find it all so discouraging.
My spouse and I sometimes say we feel like we live on another planet than the one we spent most of our lives on.
Do any of you feel this way?
I generally think having friends is overrated and have not pursued many new friendships since soon after moving to a new city in 2011. I was fortunate in my city to make some good friends in 2011-12 when I was new to the city and have retained many of those friendships from when I was actively trying to make friends. Some of my friends from the early days in my city have moved on to other cities and I have not bothered to replace them. I just don't have the ability to take on new friendships. Even when I was new to my city in 2011-12, I just tried to make enough friends who I thought I could see myself having long friendships with so that I wouldn't have to go through the process of making friends again. Friends in general are not that important to me.
In 2011, I was brand new to a city, and had moved to that city without a job, without a girlfriend, without friends, and without knowing anyone. I really had a full plate!
My romantic relationships have been more transient than my friendships, both when the pre-2011 era is considered and post 2011. My #1 priority has been cultivating and maintaining romances. How much time do I have for friends when I need to regularly have sex? The answer is that it is such a lower level priority. Friends are a lower priority than my job, my sex life, and my hobbies. Some friendships can merge with my hobbies, which is productive.
My male friends tend to prioritize their romantic relationships over their friends with me. Some often disappear for extended periods until their relationship evaporates. Once that happens, they re-emerge. That's a fairly common element in male-male friendships.
Friendship often does feel like a lot of work. A lot of effort goes into maintaining those friendships. I'm not really into that sort because of the other things I have going on in my life.
The lack of friendship becomes more acute when a romantic relationship is absent from one's life. I don't notice not seeing a certain friend for 1-3 months if I am having regular sex and in a relationship. Even when I am not in a relationship, and trying to get into a new one, doing cold approaches takes up a lot of time and I would rather cold approach than see my friends.
This thread has been very sad in many ways. Maybe if I give my take on 'the other side', it might make it easier for the folks that are struggling.
You see, myself and my wife fit the profile of people trying NOT to make friends. In fact we have neighbors who have been really trying to make friends with us, but we have been pushing them away. Why? Let me try and explain-
We have 3 kids. We both have f/t jobs with 2hr round trip commutes. We are embroiled in a custody battle for my daughter from my 1st marriage. We are active in our Church. In fact I have a ministry and that I am in charge of for our Church. Also, I am trying to keep in shape. And I have hobbies including playing softball in the Summer.
The truth is, we really don't have even have time to be faithful to the friendships that we already have. We just have too much going on right now. Anytime we feel pressure from new people trying to hang out with us/be friends, I usually run the other way.
It is NOT personal. The neighbors I told you about are very nice people. But I can already tell if I opened the door, they would be expecting a lot more than we can realistically give. Also, it has nothing to do with Facebook or playing on our phones- we don't have time for that, either.
I just posted my own thread with a similiar question. It is called "Is it harder to make friends these days". I think it is just about impossible to make new friends. I also have the same problem. I think people are just different with social media. They may have 100 Facebook connections but NO REAL friends. They seem to be friends WITH only those related to them or those they went to school with or grew up with or went to same church. If people do not know you this way, forget it. At best you are just a casual friend. They may say "Hi" and make some limited small talk about the weather or other meaningless crap. But if you want something more, forget it. You may even invite them over for a drink or coffee, but they will not return the hospitality. You may call them for a friendly chat, but they would never think of calling you just for a chat. You may wish you had a friend to take to lunch or go shopping with. Again forget that. They have REAL friends for that, and again you feel like an outsider. I have always lived in small towns and you hear of that good "Old fashioned friendly small town hospitality". That is just a myth. When I drive by and wave to others, they NEVER wave back, or see someone in the grocery store who I know. Again if I am lucky, maybe they will say "Hello" and that is about that. So I think this is how society is going. Again there is nothing wrong with me. I am neat, clean, well educated, self sufficient, not ugly, do not cuss, do dope, or get drunk, just a nice middle aged lady who gets lonely. I have no husband (widow) and 2 selfish kids who just hide in their rooms and place video games all the time. But I do have a cat and enjoy reading and watch the news. I hate the reality tv shows and after a while the 24 hour news shows get boring. No place to shop, no decent stores open here anymore, no clubs, organizations, or fun things to do. Just a couple of crummy fast food places, a farm store and a dollar store, in the middle of nowhere and no one to talk to except my own thoughts. so good luck to you. I was told that I could "hire" a counselor just to have someone to talk to, but again this just seems so lame as she would not be a real friend. She would never consider calling me to come over for coffee and a chat. Just a paid professional who would analyze me and tell me to try harder. Well I am 65 years old and so tired of trying.I just do not know what to do. I have thought of moving but afraid it would be a new town with the same old problems. Also people DO NOT bring over treats to the new neighbor, This went out in the 1950s. I only see my neighbors leave for work in the morning and come home at night. They use the electric car door opener so they are not even outside long enough for me to engage them in a converstation. Oh well, I hope when I die I will find friends in heaven.
Move to a 55+. No one was born there. They all came from somewhere else. It's easy to make friends in a large 55+ community. Things to do everyday. I will post a link from mine but they are all over the country.suncityaz.org
Hello,
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I'm 19 and also find it very difficult to make new friends, it's true that the glorification of busy has reached a peak. It's almost like people take pride in the fact they're too busy for others. I completely agree with you regarding PC Culture, it really annoys me, I'm in college and mostly every person I meet gets offended by pretty much the tiniest thing. I feel like people are too sensitive and it prohibits the light-hearted aspect of communication sometimes. I often feel like when it comes to friendship I'm the only one who cares. I feel like I have to beg for other people's attention. Almost like they're doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence. It really bugs me. In general I feel like in the midst this great quest for social justice society has gotten much worse than it used to be.
Busy is now code for "don't want to be bothered". How can people be busier today than years ago? People pay bills online, shop online, etc. People used to have to spend time writing out checks, than going to the post office to mail those checks, yet they had time for others.
So that is nonsense for the most part.
It is very sad times these days at least in the US, and I am glad I am over 50 now and had the 80s and 90s.
I feel very bad for someone your age, because I can't imagine how it will be in 20 years. I picture fat blobs who can no longer communicate and stare down at devices.
Move to a 55+. No one was born there. They all came from somewhere else. It's easy to make friends in a large 55+ community. Things to do everyday. I will post a link from mine but they are all over the country.suncityaz.org
That's really not quite true. I mentioned my parents earlier who moved from NY to FL. It was good for a few years and they made some acquaintances. But when health issues start to arise nobody wants to know you.
You don't make real friends at that age, you make acquaintances with people who like you moved from somewhere else. There is nothing wrong with that, but no one should be led to believe you're going to make good friends who will be there for you if you need help. Not saying it couldn't happen but it wouldn't be the norm.
Move to a 55+. No one was born there. They all came from somewhere else. It's easy to make friends in a large 55+ community. Things to do everyday. I will post a link from mine but they are all over the country.suncityaz.org
I am familiar with the 55+ communities. Since everyone moves there after age 55, there is an opportunity to meet new people who need new friends. The way that it would be done in that type of situation is to find other people moving to one of those 55+ communities right around the same time as yourself. That's how a lot of friendships form there.
In younger age groups, there are some apartment complexes in large, transplant heavy U.S. Sun Belt cities (cities that generally have weaker social circles) that facilitate friendships between new residents of these complexes/cities. This is a common way in which those in their 20s/early 30s form friendships.
However, since the topic of moving comes up, I want to stress that frequent moves weaken social circles. Moving is rarely a panacea for improving one's social life, both with non-romantic and romantic relationships. With romantic relationships, it is a huge benefit to be able to form those relationships through one's friends/acquaintance social circle pool. Romantic relationships formed through the means of one's friends/acquaintances often has greater sustainability than those formed through cold approaching (either bars or nonbars) or use of apps. It makes sense. People are more likely to treat another person with dignity and respect when there is a social circle association involved rather than someone met randomly at a bar, grocery store, or the gym.
The people that tend to have the best social circles are the one who rarely move. Within the United States, certain regions tend to be more insular than others, and a greater percentage of the population is comprised by individuals who fit the description of never or rarely moving. The opposite of this is the United States large Sun Belt cities that have experienced massive growth in the last 4 decades. These cities tend to have a lot of new resident, weaker social circles, and some of them actually churn residents quickly. Dallas-Fort Worth has added about a million new residents since the 2010 Census. How many of those 1 million new residents from 2010-2019 have good social circles? The majority probably don't. Metro Phoenix tends to add a lot of people as well, similar to Dallas-Fort Worth, and isn't a place with strong social circles. Miami and Las Vegas are examples are cities/metro areas of big growth but actually churn out residents quickly because the Miami/Las Vegas lifestyles are difficult. I have read that in Nevada, ~75% of people that live there weren't born there. So if a person lived in Las Vegas, they are likely to encounter social connections moving away regularly, and new people regularly moving in. Do you think that's good for a social circle? Probably not. Because of the growth, transience, and weak friendship networks, there's an impact on the dating cultures of these cities.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pouringsunshine
Hello,
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I'm 19 and also find it very difficult to make new friends, it's true that the glorification of busy has reached a peak. It's almost like people take pride in the fact they're too busy for others. I completely agree with you regarding PC Culture, it really annoys me, I'm in college and mostly every person I meet gets offended by pretty much the tiniest thing. I feel like people are too sensitive and it prohibits the light-hearted aspect of communication sometimes. I often feel like when it comes to friendship I'm the only one who cares. I feel like I have to beg for other people's attention. Almost like they're doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence. It really bugs me. In general I feel like in the midst this great quest for social justice society has gotten much worse than it used to be.
Wow! College is actually one of the better ways of making friends compared to the post college, big city social environment. I'd much rather be tasked with making friends as a college student than a post college, 20s/early 30s person in a big city.
How can people be busy at 19? At 19 and in college, there's actually time to focus on meaningful social connections. Few people have jobs, and the ones they have are meaningless mcjobs that are side activities to being college students. Everything has a much different dynamic as a young college student than as a post college working world person. Going out to a bar as a 21 year old college senior until 2 am on a Wednesday night/early Thursday morning is much easier when your first class is at 10 am or later on Thursdays than compared to having to be in at work the next morning at 8-9 AM. There's greater margin for error in messing up a 400 level undergrad class than messing up something at work. As long as a C grade is earned in that 400 level class, which isn't terribly difficult to achieve, nothing will happen. Prospective employers rarely ask GPA questions, even for new graduates. Messing up at work means a formal, HR write up or a termination and going to the job market, which is far less easy to cope with than the previous situation. This is why a Wednesday night at 8 PM Tinder/Bumble/Hinge sourced first date between a 30 year old man and a 28 year old woman will have a far less fun dynamic than 21 year olds at a bar.
When you're 18-22 and in college, there's rarely a better social situation. There are tons of on-campus clubs and activities, which have a better dynamic than Meetup.com groups for the post college set or the co-ed sports leagues for the post college set in any big city.
A lot of friendships are work, and a lot of people don't want to put the work in. It gets worse post college, so try to make the best of it for the next 2-3 years.
That's really not quite true. I mentioned my parents earlier who moved from NY to FL. It was good for a few years and they made some acquaintances. But when health issues start to arise nobody wants to know you.
You don't make real friends at that age, you make acquaintances with people who like you moved from somewhere else. There is nothing wrong with that, but no one should be led to believe you're going to make good friends who will be there for you if you need help. Not saying it couldn't happen but it wouldn't be the norm.
You're using your parents as an example. I live it. I may have better friends now than at any time of my life. I see it everyday among many.
You helps to move when you're young(50's) and develop friendships. You can't expect to come here at 70 and make the same friendships as people that have known each other for years.
I don't know your parents. Were they active when they came where they would meet many and develop friendships? Golf, tennis, swimming, softball, volleyball ? Clubs and dining out? Other activities daily? The only people I know that don't make friends are the ones that sit home and watch TV and don't get out and do things. Many you meet will be acquaintances but some will become true friends.
I have plenty of acquaintances but no deep intimate relationships. The person I've known the longest is a "close friend" if you are talking about someone I've known a long time but I don't feel "close" to her. I don't relate to her and we probably disagree on most fundamental issues (although we've never discussed our differences). When we see each other, we fill up the time with routine chit chat. How's the job, how's the kids, etc. Our conversation is always very "P.C.". For example, I am aware of a certain disappointment in her life that's troubling her yet she's never openly admitted to it. I see it in her face that it's not the way she would like it to be but for whatever reason, she doesn't want to admit it. This is how I know she doesn't consider me a close friend. If we were close friends, she would feel free to tell me the truth about how she feels. Likewise, there are things I've hesitated to speak openly about to her. I've avoided talking about politics, for example, because I know exactly where she stands and it's not where I stand and I believe a discussion wouldn't bring anything positive to our relationship.
I also have to agree with the poster who said he's too busy. I myself don't want to fill up every single weekend with acquaintances. I find it a lot of effort without the reward of attaining a deepening intimate connection. It's just filling up idle time for me in some ways. I suppose it' nice to go out to eat with a friend now, it doesn't have to be a serious connection to be enjoyable.
I'm a very active older woman and mostly enjoy being active (I walk 5 miles at a brisk pace every day). In this area where I live, most adults in my age range are couch potatoes (TV, movies, eating out, watching sports). It's hard to find like-minded people to do things with, especially women. I have at least 10 female friends who I regularly get together with and not one of them is in decent shape physically to be able to walk 5 miles at a brisk pace.
Busy is now code for "don't want to be bothered". How can people be busier today than years ago? People pay bills online, shop online, etc. People used to have to spend time writing out checks, than going to the post office to mail those checks, yet they had time for others.
So that is nonsense for the most part.
It is very sad times these days at least in the US, and I am glad I am over 50 now and had the 80s and 90s.
I feel very bad for someone your age, because I can't imagine how it will be in 20 years. I picture fat blobs who can no longer communicate and stare down at devices.
Totally agree. Its not only friendships, but dating. Dating is "casual" for everyone these days. Nobody is dating to find a spouse. Thats also depressing. But back to topic, it was so much easier to make friends (and also date) in the 80's and 90's. With all the technology advances with efficiency, the "too busy" excuse is just that, an excuse in most cases.
You're using your parents as an example. I live it. I may have better friends now than at any time of my life. I see it everyday among many.
You helps to move when you're young(50's) and develop friendships. You can't expect to come here at 70 and make the same friendships as people that have known each other for years.
I don't know your parents. Were they active when they came where they would meet many and develop friendships? Golf, tennis, swimming, softball, volleyball ? Clubs and dining out? Other activities daily? The only people I know that don't make friends are the ones that sit home and watch TV and don't get out and do things. Many you meet will be acquaintances but some will become true friends.
My parents were quite active. My dad was even taking flying lessons.
But they left NY for FL and after about 10 years serious health issues started.
It's not just my parents. I have seen it in other cases. You don't have the same connection that you do with people you have known for decades. It's only logical, they're more casual relationships.
People who retire to a different state and especially in a retirement community, make more acquaintances(and there is nothing wrong with that) to go out to dinner with or the movies, but when it comes to helping someone out who is ill, they start to fade away.
There is something to be said to not moving too far away from long time friends and family, you won't find the same level of relationships.
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