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I love being an Uncle and my wife Aunt. We get sad watching little kids play soccer and walk their dog. Frankly it's hard at times, being in your 40's, with no kids and no religious affiliation. And yeah it can be lonely and isolated, but people can be a real PITA so it's a mixed bag. Who knows maybe we will move to a more coupleless friendly area like SF
I have a question I was hoping that I could please inquire about, for all of the child-free folks out there: is getting older or being in your elder years while having no children (and/or no spouse, depending on if you want to be Double-Income, No Kids, vs. never marrying at all for instance) a concern at all for you?
The main reason I ask is because it goes to the issue of potentially having no meaningful social or support network, in the later years of one's life. It also limits your available of people to take care of you, for example if you become injured, sick, or need to be hospitalized, for example. Even if you have a CF spouse but s/he passes away before you, later in life (and also same thing with friends pasing away, as well), without any having children, a person could potentially be like 75-80 years old, but have no one meaningful left, in their lives who really cares about them?
Any thoughts please? How do you deal with and are able to successfully manage these kinds of concerns? Thank you in advance for your comments!
A Elderly friend of mine died last year.
His twin sons and he were estranged. He and their mother divorced when he was young. He DESTROYED HIS LIFE to be there for them.
Passed on raises to live down the street from them while they were growing up etc...
Didn't work they were poisoned against him by their mother.
Us friends of his were there when he rolled his car and was in the hospital, when he was sick etc.
Having "Someone to take care of you" is a moronic reason to have kids.
Yeah, I know plenty of parents who have kids, and said kids will refuse to take care of them as they age. They can't or just won't. MIL's kids flat out will refuse. My father recognize he is too much and accepts going into a home, my sibling and I cannot handle him. He knows it. It's not a solution.
After 5 pages of this thread, it is plain that an elderly person can't rely on children to be available as caretakers, even if hypothetically said children have the resources and the ability - which many don't. The broader problem in modern America is the primacy of the nuclear family in favor of the extended family. Adoration of the nuclear family (father, mother, children) as the fundamental unit of society essentially implies that somebody is going to die alone.
I come from a long line of persons who either had no children, or only one child per couple. My family tree looks like a pyramid, and my number of living relatives can literally be counted on one hand. Most of them live 8 time zones away, in a country that I can't even visit without a laborious visa-application process. The real consequence of the shocking dread of old-age loneliness isn't a drive to start reproducing, but to find a soulmate; or, as we say on the Relationships Forum, to "settle" and to settle quickly.
I agree with the people that say that you need to have it together financially so that you can provide for your own care, should you need it. That's my goal. All of the money that I did NOT have to spend on diapers, braces, college, weddings, etc, etc, I can invest in order to burden other people as little as possible.
If you talk to enough people in their golden years, they'll disabuse you of the notion that the kids will rally around and take care of you. First, what if you have a child and s/he has a severe mental or physical disability? Even under the best of circumstances, children these days can't just leave the nest at 18 and be self-supporting. What if your child required care for a lifetime? There are families with multiple children with such disabilities. Do you keep pulling the lever, so to speak, and hope for a winner?
And, even if it weren't an issue of ability, some adult children, even if they were perfectly physically, mentally, and financially capable of caring for their elders, just don't WANT to. Talk to enough older people who rarely see their grown kids - unless of course the grandkids need Christmas and birthday presents - and you'll see what I mean.
As people mentioned, there are devices and services available to keep older people as independent as possible throughout their lives. The best I can say is, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Don't pin your hopes on other people, family or otherwise, to look out for you.
Um, no, not necessarily. WHY are you making the assumption that the only people we can be close to are family members? I love my family but I live 3,000 miles away from them and likely always will. And I know many, many, many, many people who are MUCH closer to friends than to family.
As I mentioned earlier, if never having children were to end up being in the cards for me, I am totally OK with that. I didn't mean to imply that family members were the only people that a person can be close to. At the same time, my own personal experiences in life with people with were my friends (past tense, per their choice and not mine), and then chose not to be my friend anymore for whatever reason, personal or impersonal, has left me extremely skeptical that friendship really means much at all, to a lot of people. The last straw on that for me was when my childhood best friend (and last remaining true friend IRL) of over 20+ years suddenly decided on a whim that he wanted nothing more to do with me, just like that...and then he suddenly disappeared completely from my life, just like all the others...
Quote:
We romanticize family relationships WAY too much in this country, IMHO. Some
families are close; others aren't. Accidents of birth guarantee NOTHING about
how close you'll be.
True; some people have no one at all in this life....for example, if all of their family pre-deceased them, or they were orphans, or if for whatever reason through on fault of their own, people decided en masse not to befriend them, etc...
Quote:
Again, you're assuming somehow that families will always stick together, help each other, live nearby, LIKE each other, blah blah blah ... I simply don't think that's the reality for a lot of people.
Um, yes, and family members do this too.
Please, stop romanticizing some idealized notion of "family" and make some friends!!
My top priority and highest concern right now in the present is to get married, within the relative near future of about the next 2 years, God willing. To me personally, a dearest wife *is* my family already, and the family that I choose for myself, regardless of biological family. IMO, a friend no matter how dear is simply incomparable to a wife, on the happiness scale for me. And so if I have to choose for spending the very little free time that I actually have on a day-to-day basis between whether I can have friends vs. my own family (i.e., wife), having a spouse will win, every time for me...
However, it would be unwise to elevate relatives above friends; relatives are just as human as friends are, and equally as likely to break that bond.
This^
I'm childfree by choice, sure I worry about being ever older & lonelier
but that's related to all sorts of stuff *not* to do with progeny (or lack thereof).
It wouldn't be remedied by offspring, esp. since I'm intolerant of kids-
that wouldn't be the sort of companionship I could benefit from, personally.
Realize this is different to how the OP feels about children, so...
Agree w/other posters, that biological (or by-marriage) "family" can't necessarily
(by sheer dint of being related) be expected/counted on any more than friends/acquaintances,
when it comes to the reality of isolation, injury, and such.
Even paid professionals vary greatly in the quality & quantity of service they provide
(be it a nursing home, in-home care, or medic-alert enrollment)
Someone may care deeply & emotionally about someone else
but still be unwilling/unable to do the work that physical caregiving entails,
which can be pretty tough depending on the condition of the in-need-of-care person.
The main reason I ask is because it goes to the issue of potentially having no meaningful social or support network, in the later years of one's life. It also limits your available of people to take care of you, for example if you become injured, sick, or need to be hospitalized, for example.
THis is actually a big deal for the lesbian & gay community, or is starting to be. It's something that is directly going to affect me, since I lost my life partner and am entering later middle age and looking at becoming part of the "AARP Generation" pretty fast. Time flys as you get older...how true it is!
Anyway, back on topic....though AIDS has culled the gay population, particulalry of the generation that would be entering late middle and old age, there are still are a lot of older gay people which are experiencing the issues you talk about.
There is a pretty good documentary on this, "Gen Silent" (short for Generation Silent):
....which takes up an advocacy roll. There is also a social network called "Prime Timers", which is about developing sort of a social network if yr gay and retired (not an advocacy group).
However, this isnt the same as the kind of family-oriented caregiving that you are asking about.
The question is if I would expect my kids to take care of me? No I dont think Id expect that even if I had kids. The social/human/family connection IS important, though. Im not estranged from my family...which..in old age (after my parents pass) would be be my sister and nieces and nephew. So that would be my old-age family connection.
For a number of older gay people, they have been kept at a distance or even forsaken by their families, so they would be pretty much alone in old age, could indeed suffer that social isolation, dying alone.
Im in my 30s but never plan to get married or have kids. I already have chronic health problems so have some insight into that issue. I don't live with my mom but I see the strain mentally it causes her to have to face my health problems so I would not want to put that on my children so even if I had them I would not want them to take care of me. I would hire a private nurse if need be and I know everyone is not able to do this but for myself that is the course I would take. I know it is not the same as family though but I dont feel it is a reason to get married or to have in fear of the future needing help.
I have a very very small family basically just my mom and my 90 year old grandfather. I am not dating anyone now and maybe in the future if I found a significant other I would like that in my life but not to get married. I dont see the need to have a piece of paper especially with divorce rates,financially,and since I dont want children. Everyone is different of course.
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