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I know this question was directed at people who have no children, but let me give another point of view and perspective on having children. When I was in my mid 20's I never even thought about or wanted kids.......they were the furthest thing from my mind. My wife and I had good jobs and were spending every penny we could on fun stuff for the two of us......life was great. Then one day she came home and gave me the news that she was pregnant .
For the 9 months of her pregnancy (actually 7.5 months as she delivered prematurely) I was totally dispassionate and disinterested in the whole thing. I saw it as my life of fun ending. To be honest, I was pretty much a jerk about it. But the day she delivered and the Doctor walked out into the waiting room with my two twin Sons under his arms and said "Say hello to your Sons, Dad !" my life started at that very moment.
Every day after that was filled with joy, I would come home from work and they would run down the stairs to greet me, all excited, and it made a bad day go away. They were my constant companions, we boated, fished, explored, and built cars together and 42 years later we are still just as close and we still see or talk to each other every day.
As for kids sticking by you when you are older, I learned that wives and girlfriends come and go, but your children will be there forever for you if you were there for them when they were growing up. My two look out for the old man and take very good care of me. Somewhere along the line the roles reversed and they started being my teacher, I have learned a lot from them and still continue to learn from them. About 15 years ago I had a mild stroke and my one Son slept in a chair in my hospital room for the 3 days I was there, refusing to leave me. My other Son had to work, but he was there every night. So I have no fears about them abandoning me in my old age.
My point in all of this is that while a person can have a fulfilling life without kids, having them takes it to a whole new level. It isn't something anyone can explain, but it is just so wonderful to see them go from a newborn to a great adult human being and know that you had a hand in that. It can be the greatest accomplishment in anyone's life, if they approach it the right way.
I don't want to hijack this thread too badly, but you make some good points. Personally I really think that at some point in the next several yrs something needs to be legislated in terms of doctor assisted suicide, the work that Kevorkian started.
Totally agree.
Alas the legislature is too afraid of how such measures could be misused
to pass anything (at least that's how it is in VT, for the "death with dignity" bill).
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Originally Posted by Chowhound
I really resent how the government is going to tell me how to spend my golden yrs.
Agree w/you again.
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Originally Posted by Chowhound
I don't think I have longevity in my family lineage. My mom died at 62 with cancer that she had battled a couple of times. My dad has heart problems, had cancer and has a pacemaker in right now, he's 71, but that isn't really that old these days.
My parents only made it to 56 & 65, so that hardly bodes well for me-
though, who can guess, I might outlive (by which I mean the oldest ages they reached) them yet.
I've never wanted kids, and my friends who have ALWAYS wanted kids just can't understand why someone would choose not to procreate. "But who will take care of you?" is a question they always ask. After all that is how it's "supposed" to work, you get married, have 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat, a 9-5 job, a house with a picket fenced yard. The problem is life rarely works out how it's supposed to...divorce, or your spouse dies first...well at least your kids can still take care of you right? All you have to do is read this thread to see examples of how that doesn't always happen. This is for several reasons: the kids are selfish, the relationship between parent and child is bad (either because of the child or the parent), the parent requires far more care than the child can provide, the child is barely supporting themselves much less able to support a parent, or in many cases, the child lives far away from the parent and it's not feasible to just up and move hundreds or thousands of miles away after you've built a life somewhere else. Even if you live alone, you need stuff like a job and a place to live where your parents live -- how can you support and care for them if you can't even do that for yourself? So the bottom line is having kids in no way guarantees someone will be there for you when you can't take care of yourself. Your odds of a friend or a different relative stepping up are exactly the same odds as your kid stepping up.
I understand your concerns here but many people deviate from the standard life script and manage just fine. The key is, and this sounds depressing, to rely 100% on yourself and only on yourself. Assume no one will be available to care for you or help you out. Odds are you will have someone but many people don't as shown in this thread, so best to prepare for the worst. You need to be able to rely on yourself financially. I personally would not want to burden anyone else with bathing me, feeding me, cleaning up after me, etc anyhow, but if it gets to the point where I need assistance, I would go into one of those assisted living places. However...if it gets to the point where I can't even feed myself or get up to use the bathroom I don't want to stick around anyway, that's no way to live.
I would love to have been able to take my mom into my home when she needed care. Unfortunately to pay the mortgage on that home I had to work 9 hours a day and commute an hour each way. It was not financially feasible to hire someone to be there 11 hours a day on my salary and her soc security. So we found an assisted living place for low income seniors and I visited every week and handled all her other needs. So now here we are with my husband's 86 year old mom living with us since she is starting to have "memory issues". Is she grateful? Not that I've noticed. Is she happy to be here? She has no choice. She can't live on her own and can't afford assisted living. Makes too much for subsidized, but not enough for unsubsidized. She would have the money if she hadn't spent all of her inheritance on world travels 20 years ago. My husband's sibling couldn't care less, just as my siblings didn't make any effort to help with my mom.
Bottom line, responsible adult "children" are hard to find. Be responsible for yourself.
I didn't mean to imply so much that children should be caretakers...what I really meant was that being completely alone and isolated in one's elder years could drastically decrease a person's quality of life, realistically speaking.
Also, the larger caretaker issue aside, what happens if an elderly person were to fall down or collapse in their place of residence, and while needing urgent interventional medical care, not be able to reach a telephone? If that person has no one else involved in their lives, it could be days (months? longer?) before anyone potentially finds them?
(This may have all been covered, but there are too many pages of posts for me to go through right now.)
One thing the elderly person can do to avoid isolation is move to a senior community when he is getting "up there" in years. He will make friends and participate in activities there before he becomes too old to do so, and hopefully those friends won't forget him in his final days. There will be other elderly people there whose families are not involved. There will be widows and widowers who need new friends. You might start out in a cottage where you live independently, then as you become less able, you move into an apartment, then the assisted living, then eventually the section where you receive full care. All of this would be on one campus, with a community center, an exercise room, a dining hall for those who need it, and other services. Here's an example: Abernethy Laurels Retirement Community Newton NC Near Charlotte Gastonia
The elderly person can also wear a device that he can press for help when needed. Some senior places also have some sort of signal that lets everyone know you're okay each day - a little switch or flag or something in the window or outside the door, for example.
TheShadow, I take it you mean SHE "makes too much for subsidized, but not enough for unsubsidized." (not you or your husband who are helping her)
Does she have SAVINGS? -- not what comes in monthly -- but SAVINGS. To be fair to her. IF she does have savings then clearly she didn't spend ALL her inheritance on 'traveling the world 20 years ago." To a certain extent you can't fault a person for living his or her life while they're still healthy. If she has savings she may not have been as irresponsible as your post seem to imply you think she was.
I'd suggest you see an eldercare attorney. There are things you can do!
As far the original question of single people not having kids....in my family anyway I do think we all will do for each other what we can. I myself am SINK, but I have 15 nieces and nephews who I HOPE would help me if needed.
Very honestly I also am thinking about proposing a partnership with a friend of mine who is also SINK, such as if we're both still SINK in our 70s we'll try to be the 'spouse' role for the other.
All any of us can do is PLAN....but plans make not work out either....
To a certain extent you can't fault a person for living his or her life while they're still healthy.
I don't really agree with that reasoning. However, if I did, why would that financial reasoning apply to the elderly person who CHOSE to spent her money on herself for world travel and not to her adult child who would need to spend her own savings or go into debt to be able to afford to hire care for her mother in her home while she was working?
cdnirene....they need to see an eldercare attorney. There are things they can do.
Until we know the amounts of money involved I'm not going to fault someone for traveling while they're still healthy. If the mom has savings at all then clearly she wasn't THAT irresponsible.
I think it would be more positive energy spent to come up with options and solutions than blaming and resenting....
I, in my post, didn't say anything about the adult child spending their own money to take care of the parent.
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