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Last year we buried my 20 year old nephew. He and I were extremely close and it hit and hurt me hard. I wrote something and read it at the funeral (which required about 3 valium to get up and do). Something they could have as a keepsake. My brother asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral home and for the first time in my life I wasn't strong enough to do it, I told him, "I don't want to sound selfish here, but I just don't think I can." My brother understood.
His casket was off to one side of the church and the lid was open. I bolted in the opposite direction - no way could I face looking at him so lifeless. My last memory of him was him and his other cousin raking leaves in my back yard and they were laughing. She threw a squirrel dog toy at him and he thought it was real - stuff like that. I talked to him a few days before he died and the absolute last thing he ever said to me was, "I love you aunt T." This is the image I want to have - it's a comforting image. This morning my mother asked me if I wanted to go to the cemetery today and I can't even do that. I hate it. There are other symbols and gestures I do in his honor.
It was so excruciating I vowed right then and there that would be the very last funeral I would ever go to that includes my mother and I made it known to everyone so everyone in my family is well aware of it.
I wish more would come to understand that sometimes, funerals can be traumatic for the "survivors." It's great that your family understood that and valued your real contribution to his life over the kabuki that is the modern American wake/funeral.
I always try to go to the calling hours for someone I know, to express my condolences to the family and let them know I care, but I don't usually go to the actual funeral, unless I am close to the family. It always seems like sort of an invasion of the family's privacy to me.
Funerals are a waste of time. The dead person doesn't care who goes to his funeral, and just about everyone who attends out of respect for the family doesn't really want to be there. Most of them are thinking to themselves "okay, how early can I leave without being rude?" Then you get the crocodile tears from the family members who treated the dead guy like garbage when he was alive.
It's just all so fake and pointless.
You're right that most people would rather be anywhere else than at a funeral. But that doesn't change the fact that a person's presence at a funeral can be a source of comfort to the family members.
If I anticipate having ongoing relations or dealings with people within the social circle of the decedent then I will always attend the funeral as a sign of respect. If someone from my long ago past died and I have no reasonably current connections with their social circle then I probably would not attend the funeral, for example a distant relative I would attend but a former high school classmate, no.
My situation is my mother passed from complications from a 2nd open heart surgery.
I had one viewing in New Jersey where I lived and people knew my mother (who lived with me) and the funeral was in West Virginia, where she wanted to be buried in the family plot.
My brother lives in Orlando, FL. I called him to pick the time for the funeral, so he and his family could come. He and his wife had a cruise scheduled the next weekend, so we agreed the funeral would be the week after.
The day before the funeral, I was in West Virginia getting everything set up for the viewing. My mother's sisters and brothers, cousins were coming in.
I get a text from my brother that he can't come. He was too stressed, didn't want to see her in the casket, etc., etc. And I wasn't to call him.
All I could do was sit in the car and cry. I felt I had not only lost my mother, who I was very close to, but at that moment, lost my brother as well. If my brother couldn't come and support and share the loss of our mother, I know I can't count on him for anything else. It made me angry that I delayed the funeral for HIM, yet last minute he decides not to show.
I didn't yell at him or get angry. I let him know it hurt he wasn't there. But, for me, my brother changed our relationship forever. I will never count on him, consider him or trust him ever again.
My situation is my mother passed from complications from a 2nd open heart surgery.
I had one viewing in New Jersey where I lived and people knew my mother (who lived with me) and the funeral was in West Virginia, where she wanted to be buried in the family plot.
My brother lives in Orlando, FL. I called him to pick the time for the funeral, so he and his family could come. He and his wife had a cruise scheduled the next weekend, so we agreed the funeral would be the week after.
The day before the funeral, I was in West Virginia getting everything set up for the viewing. My mother's sisters and brothers, cousins were coming in.
I get a text from my brother that he can't come. He was too stressed, didn't want to see her in the casket, etc., etc. And I wasn't to call him.
All I could do was sit in the car and cry. I felt I had not only lost my mother, who I was very close to, but at that moment, lost my brother as well. If my brother couldn't come and support and share the loss of our mother, I know I can't count on him for anything else. It made me angry that I delayed the funeral for HIM, yet last minute he decides not to show.
I didn't yell at him or get angry. I let him know it hurt he wasn't there. But, for me, my brother changed our relationship forever. I will never count on him, consider him or trust him ever again.
Hi Zefra,
I wanted to respond to your post because I understand and wanted to extend my empathy and some thoughts. With a mom in a dementia care facility, all I have left of my original family is my brother. We have had to unite for some critical tasks such as getting our mother moved to a care place against her wishes and selling her house. My brother has failed to follow through several times when he has said he would either meet with me or accomplish a task. I made an important decision, as you have, to not have any expectations or hang any plans on him that don't have a backup plan. My brother and I have many things to accomplish in the years ahead as we are co-trustees for a trust that provides for our mother, and we also share medical POA for her. However, now when I need to make a plan with him, I always have already determined what plan "B" will be if he fails me...and he does fail me pretty consistently. This has worked out so well for me. Now I know I can't count on him there is now longer the event of him not doing something and all my plans crashing.
What happened with your mother's funeral must have been terribly upsetting. I hope you can get past your anger and learn how to manage your expectations and just value that you do still have this brother and do your best to keep your heart open.
It's important for parents to take children to funerals so they don't end up growing into adults who are overly fearful of going. My parents took us to every funeral no matter how young we were. That's how we learned how to behave at funerals. Knowing the ins and outs of a funeral home, like the sign-in book, standing line to give condolences, saying a prayer at the casket, etc. I can imagine how much harder my parents' funerals would have been if they had been my first experiences.
When I was 21, my college friend's grandmother died. I had only known my friend for a year. She was older, in her late 20s or early 30s. I went to visiting hours and paid my respects. She later told me how much she appreciated my going. I was her only friend who showed up!
My children attended every funeral for the deaths of scout leaders, friends' parents, etc. When I think back, there were many funerals. When they were older teens, they automatically went to classmates' funerals all on their own. I didn't even know the children who died. They weren't part of the inner circle of close friends, but they were still school friends and my children felt it was important to go. They'd just announce, "I'm going to so-and-so's funeral. So-and-so is picking me up in an hour." It made me proud of them.
My husband and I attend viewings and funerals, sometimes both and sometimes one or the other. I choose the funeral service if I don't know the people. That way there isn't an awkward visitation. An example would be when I attended the funeral of my husband's ex-coworker. My husband couldn't attend because he was out of town on business. I didn't know the person who died or the family. I only go to the gravesite of people I know well though.
Well, sometimes NOT attending a funeral is probably the best thing to do.
My sister-in-law died recently. She and her husband, my brother JC, have been estranged from the rest of our family for a while by their own choice. It started out that JC got mad at his brothers and me, but for some reason, his (and I suppose his wife's) ire apparently spread to the rest of our relatives. An example of their skewed thinking is when their younger daughter got married in October in quite a big affair, none of JC's family was invited, not even cousins, or even informed about it.
Nobody on JC's side of the family even knew that my SIL was in the ICU until one of my nieces read it on her cousin's FB page, and that was only 2 days before she passed. JC only called his twin brother to inform him of his wife's death and told him not to tell anybody else. Our youngest brother and I only found out because JC called a mutual family friend to tell her, and she called me! One of our cousins saw the obit in the newspaper and called JC with condolences and was rudely told by JC that he had "too many things to do to talk".
I had intended to attend the service, but since it was obvious that my presence wasn't wanted, I didn't. I will NOT be an excuse for a scene at a funeral by individuals, relatives or not, who seem to have serious issues even when they aren't grieving.
Well, sometimes NOT attending a funeral is probably the best thing to do.
My sister-in-law died recently. She and her husband, my brother JC, have been estranged from the rest of our family for a while by their own choice. It started out that JC got mad at his brothers and me, but for some reason, his (and I suppose his wife's) ire apparently spread to the rest of our relatives. An example of their skewed thinking is when their younger daughter got married in October in quite a big affair, none of JC's family was invited, not even cousins, or even informed about it.
Nobody on JC's side of the family even knew that my SIL was in the ICU until one of my nieces read it on her cousin's FB page, and that was only 2 days before she passed. JC only called his twin brother to inform him of his wife's death and told him not to tell anybody else. Our youngest brother and I only found out because JC called a mutual family friend to tell her, and she called me! One of our cousins saw the obit in the newspaper and called JC with condolences and was rudely told by JC that he had "too many things to do to talk".
I had intended to attend the service, but since it was obvious that my presence wasn't wanted, I didn't. I will NOT be an excuse for a scene at a funeral by individuals, relatives or not, who seem to have serious issues even when they aren't grieving.
That's when you send flowers to the funeral home. You need to make some small effort even when relationship is strained.
My cousin's mother just passed a few weeks ago. A plane ticket would have cost at least $500 (plus other expenses). Hubby and I can't afford that kind of money (and I'm pregnant so we need all the money we have), we called, told them we were sorry we couldn't make it, but sent our love. They said they appreciated the call.
But if they were here in our state we would have 100% been at the funeral. I can understand not wanting to see the deceased person, but then you don't have to walk up to the casket, and not all funerals are open casket anyways.
*shrug* Just seems like a lot of selfish excuses to not go, unless it's a money issue (or you are told don't come) I don't see why someone can't make a quick appearance and say "sorry" to the deceased's family.
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