Always Go To The Funeral (holidays, adults, cousins, wife)
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Over the past decade, I suspect I have been to about 1 funeral a year... but this past year I have been to 6, its been a bad year. I could NOT imagine simply not going. You don't go out of respect for the dead, you go out of respect for the living.
Certainly. But respect compassion for others - and compassion for them - are often in short supply nowadays.
I always wondered if the family members gave a rat's ass if I was there or not. Then, when my own father died, I realized how much it means that people show up.
I have a friend who is like some of the others on here. She plays the "I don't like funeral homes" card and never goes to any wakes or funerals for friend's parents. She barely knew her own father and only learned of his death years after it happened, but her mother is in her 80s, and she is an only child. I wonder how she will handle it when it's time to bury her mother and she has to play the role in the funeral home and be on the receiving end.
I always wondered if the family members gave a rat's ass if I was there or not. Then, when my own father died, I realized how much it means that people show up.
I have a friend who is like some of the others on here. She plays the "I don't like funeral homes" card and never goes to any wakes or funerals for friend's parents. She barely knew her own father and only learned of his death years after it happened, but her mother is in her 80s, and she is an only child. I wonder how she will handle it when it's time to bury her mother and she has to play the role in the funeral home and be on the receiving end.
For those who say to always go to the funeral....you must have some sort of cut off point...distance, a plane ticket you can't afford, a very distant relative?
My employer has a policy of who you can take funeral leave for. It isn't cast in stone, but if you are asking to go to your second cousin's stepdaughter's(which wouldn't be covered in the policy), and you've already missed a lot of work for other reasons...it probably wouldn't be looked upon favorably.
For those who say to always go to the funeral....you must have some sort of cut off point...distance, a plane ticket you can't afford, a very distant relative?
My employer has a policy of who you can take funeral leave for. It isn't cast in stone, but if you are asking to go to your second cousin's stepdaughter's(which wouldn't be covered in the policy), and you've already missed a lot of work for other reasons...it probably wouldn't be looked upon favorably.
Well, let's eschew the most extreme examples before we get into hair-splitting arguments of the Talmudic variety.
Let's just say it's a local funeral being held on a Saturday morning. Work for you?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larkspur123
For those who say to always go to the funeral....you must have some sort of cut off point...distance, a plane ticket you can't afford, a very distant relative?
My employer has a policy of who you can take funeral leave for. It isn't cast in stone, but if you are asking to go to your second cousin's stepdaughter's(which wouldn't be covered in the policy), and you've already missed a lot of work for other reasons...it probably wouldn't be looked upon favorably.
I had a good friend die suddenly two years ago. It was just not feasible for me to go due to work and financial reasons. Traveling from KY to VA was too short notice and expensive since I was recovering from unemployment in a new job and taking time off wasnt gonna happen. Now, for my mother, I'd rather be homeless and unemployed when I got back than miss her funeral.
She could, but she will still have to make the arrangements as the only child. She can't completely dodge burying her mother with the claim that she finds death and it's accoutrements disturbing.
The point is that this woman's POV about attending the funerals/wakes of friends' family members has nothing to do with giving comfort to her friends and everything to do with what's uncomfortable to HER.
For those who say to always go to the funeral....you must have some sort of cut off point...distance, a plane ticket you can't afford, a very distant relative?
My employer has a policy of who you can take funeral leave for. It isn't cast in stone, but if you are asking to go to your second cousin's stepdaughter's(which wouldn't be covered in the policy), and you've already missed a lot of work for other reasons...it probably wouldn't be looked upon favorably.
That's a judgment call, and a sliding scale. You make the call based on how well you knew the person and/or their family. If you can't afford the plane ticket or get across the country, send a nice card. I've had situations where I wanted to go, but couldn't due to resources or time constraints. Its up to you, and distance does play a huge part of it. I flew back for my Grandmother's funeral, would I do the same for a great aunt? I highly doubt it. But, If I were in town, I certainly would go, even for distant family. And I understand that there are people who want nothing to do with their family for good reasons.
I asked this same question once on here. Back in 2008, a good friend of mine lost his mom. I wanted to go but events kept me from doing so - I e-mailed my friend ahead of time but he did not take it well that I did not appear.
Then, in 2010, my own mother passed away. She was 89. As we 4 children were planning her memorial service for 125 people or less, I wondered what if more came. Her minister mentioned that when you get to be that age not to be disappointed if people don't show. There was a larger sanctuary. My mom was very involved in her church and loved it there. We grew up in that church as well. Imagine my surprise when the service had to be moved into the larger sanctuary - over 300 came.
All of sudden, I knew. It was a comfort - for us. She was remembered. She was loved - not only by us but by others. A woman came up to me to show me that she had made little shirts for the workers which I never knew about. Others told us stories and we laughed.
One thing we did - there was a handout about her life and one of the things we were trying to do was not get so emotional and have to speak. We decided to write something so each of us (8 of us - 4 children, 4 husbands/wives) all wrote a paragraph or two. What was interesting is that we all wrote very different things - and I read it often - it just shows how many different ways you can know the same person.
So many there thanked us for that and said that sometimes you forget what people say but now they have a real rememberance. Also, my sisters baked her favorite recipes (recipe cards were in slots) and people feasted on some delicious food!!
I think we felt we were all pretty strong but we needed that service and the support it gave us. We all feel blessed to have had such a special mom (and dad).
^^^This, to the bolded. My father died unexpectedly almost 3 years ago now. He was a great man, however he didn't have a lot of friends that he passed time with in his personal life and the few he did had predeceased him. He'd been retired for 10 years and I was astounded how many former coworkers showed up. The outpouring of care and concern from people he worked with (for upwards of 40 years) truly left me speechless. My quiet little dad was held in high regard and respected by so many of his coworkers in an area of his life that my mother and I had no involvement in. I will never forget what it meant to meet and put faces to so many of the names of the people he worked with over the years. (And now I have to go dry my eyes...)
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