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I pretty much feel this way. What I've decided to do is give her enough time to make and keep the appointment (she may not be able to get in quickly but she can at least get the appointment on the books). I'd say that's about a week to actually make the call and about a month at the most to get in to see the doctor.
Between now and then I may give her one chance - ONE - but not without saying, "Ok, GREAT! We're agreeing to get together - so you're going to be there and be on time, right? I'll leave if you leave me waiting and it will be a cold day in hell before I agree to meet up with you anywhere again. I'm serious about this! Please don't put me in this position."
"Ok, GREAT! We're agreeing to get together - so you're going to be there and be on time, right? I'll leave if you leave me waiting and it will be a cold day in hell before I agree to meet up with you anywhere again. I'm serious about this! Please don't put me in this position."
I read the thread, and I don't see the love and friendship in that statement. Only resentment and some of the B-word. If you really feel that way, please just do yourself a favor and back off, don't waste time on her right now... let some time and space happen. She has a husband, let him figure out if she needs some medical help. Not your worries. Talk to her on the phone, etc., but don't set a time to meet! Perhaps the situation will resolve itself and you will find out the truth one way or another.
I don't care who they are, they are showing you that your time is not important to them. That's not cool.
Life is short. My family and friends have put up with my **** in the past. For someone's worst trait to be showing up late, that's pretty good. It irritates me, but so does a lot of stuff. /lol
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Yes, I have and read about the OP going back and forth over being loving and concerned tempered with a lot of irritation. I just don't understand how anyone can consider themselves a friend when they hold someone's feet to the fire about someone else's medical plans. Yes, tell the friend that her behavior is not acceptable when she doesn't have regard to the OP's time, but to say I won't be your friend UNLESS you make and keep a dr's appointment is beyond the pale.
Have you done los' yo min'? I didn't say I won't be her friend. What I said is that I will not continue to tolerate perpetual inconvenience that's based, according to her, on her mood or energy level or simply forgetfulness when this is out of character with her and probably has a correctable reason behind it. I never said I won't talk to her on the phone, or occasionally go by her house or occasionally have her over to my house in some form or fashion - I didn't say I was going to drop her as a friend. Ever. I am just going to control my boundaries a bit better.
I can't force her to go to the doctor. But I CAN lay out my own boundaries, and her mood swings and fatigue and cancelling and postponing plans that SHE HERSELF MADE are not something that I am willing to put up with, without at least understanding what is causing that. She can choose not to go to the doctor, and I can choose not to continue to put up with continual changes of plans without an explanation. Note that I'm not saying I won't put up with it under any circumstances - she may indeed have a very understandable reason for this - who knows? But right now even she doesn't know and as a concerned friend, I think it's my right and responsibility to help her get to the bottom of this if she is willing to let me help.
If she's not willing to let me help, I am not willing to continue to be bailed on, or made to wait for thirty minutes, an hour, or whatever. Her choice entirely. But it's not mainly for me anyway - it's for her own good because frankly, she's miserable and depressed from feeling so tired and listless.
By the way, I met with her today and we had a very heartwarming time together (she was right on time and we sat and talked for three hours). And she agrees that she should go to the doctor and is scheduling an appointment Monday. So we'll see if that happens. I think it will.
Said cousin I referred to yesterday: She wanted to meet somewhere 45 minutes from my home, fine no problem. She said from 11am to 2:30, great, that's long enough to make it worth the drive and miss traffic in afternoon that would make it a longer commute.
Somewhere she then texted we'll meet at 11:30, UNLESS her daughter is late. This is a location I can't go in unless she is there. So I tell her to let me know what time she KNOWS she will be there, and I'll come then. She says 11:45, ok so now the time is shorter for me to be there, which loses attractiveness because of the drive. What the hell, we haven't hooked up in a while.
She STILL shows up 20 minutes late.
If she wasn't family and a very good person, I would cut the cord.
"Ok, GREAT! We're agreeing to get together - so you're going to be there and be on time, right? I'll leave if you leave me waiting and it will be a cold day in hell before I agree to meet up with you anywhere again. I'm serious about this! Please don't put me in this position."
I read the thread, and I don't see the love and friendship in that statement. Only resentment and some of the B-word. If you really feel that way, please just do yourself a favor and back off, don't waste time on her right now... let some time and space happen. She has a husband, let him figure out if she needs some medical help. Not your worries. Talk to her on the phone, etc., but don't set a time to meet! Perhaps the situation will resolve itself and you will find out the truth one way or another.
Do you realize that she has stood me up or made me wait a considerable amount of time (between 30 minutes to over an hour) NEARLY EVERY SINGLE TIME WE'VE TRIED TO GET TOGETHER IN PERSON, WHICH IS ABOUT ONCE A WEEK, FOR MONTHS NOW? And on the few times she hasn't made me wait, or bailed on me, she's rescheduled for much later in the day, which often has inconvenienced me. Nearly all of these have been days and times that SHE has chosen by the way.
So yeah I'm sort of at the end of my rope with her when it comes to that - I freely admit it.
By the way, we did meet up today and she was on time and we had a very good time together. And I didn't have to say the above because SHE said it, basically, which was a relief. Before I could say anything, she said, "And I promise to be there and be on time - I really really really want to see you." So saying all that was actually unnecessary.
And she agreed totally about going to the doctor and we had a very deep discussion about some elements of the situation that there's no need to share, but which were very enlightening. I'm feeling a lot better about her and about the situation. Now I just hope she really does go to the doctor.
Glad that it worked out so well, Kathryn. You did continually say that this friend was a worthwhile person who had always been a good friend, so it's great that you didn't quickly give up on her.
I think this is where it becomes so difficult to give other people advice. We can only do it through our own perspective. So since I've been burnt so often, I come from a place where it's easy to just blithely say, "Get rid of her!" When someone is just nominally a friend and really not adding much to our lives, then it feels like pruning them out will make our garden/lives more beautiful or at least give space for other plants to grow. But it sounds like you were in the fortunate position of really having enjoyed a terrific friendship, so it would be a shame to end it.
Glad that it worked out so well, Kathryn. You did continually say that this friend was a worthwhile person who had always been a good friend, so it's great that you didn't quickly give up on her.
I think this is where it becomes so difficult to give other people advice. We can only do it through our own perspective. So since I've been burnt so often, I come from a place where it's easy to just blithely say, "Get rid of her!" When someone is just nominally a friend and really not adding much to our lives, then it feels like pruning them out will make our garden/lives more beautiful or at least give space for other plants to grow. But it sounds like you were in the fortunate position of really having enjoyed a terrific friendship, so it would be a shame to end it.
I totally agree. Believe me, if she wasn't such a long term and dear friend, I wouldn't have had the dilemma in my mind in the first place. But I do want to keep her as a friend if at all possible.
OK so now to the next possible drama - we'll see how this plays out.
While we were out yesterday, I told her I was interested in doing the whole Pinot's Palette thing (where you go paint a picture in a group and drink wine - LOL) this coming week. I've done it before, she's never done it. Anyway, I didn't invite her - just told her I was thinking about doing it. She said, "That sounds like so much fun - how does it work?" so I pulled up the website and we began looking through the classes and we found one we both liked, for next week. The cost is $35 each. So I said, "Here's the website and you just fill out the form and your credit card number if you want to do it" She said,. "Let's do it together!" and I said, "Great!" (I was going to do it anyway but it's more fun to do it with a friend.)
So then she said, "You've got it pulled up - why don't you just enroll both of us now and I'll give you a check for $35 that night." WARNING WARNING - DANGER AHEAD DANGER AHEAD. So I said, "Oh, I don't want to try to type all that out on my phone. But tonight I'll send you the link and you can enroll yourself and I'll enroll myself, how 'bout that?" And she said, "Yes, send me the link - I'll do it tonight!"
So. I sent her the link last night but I know she doesn't always check all her stuff. So I messaged her on FB this morning and sent her the link again and told her that , like we had discussed, I had already signed up and paid and so go ahead and do it too. Now - keep in mind that if it had been up to her, I would have already paid for both of us to do it.
Nothing. No response to either message yet. I know she has seen the FB one because you can tell on the message whether or not the recipient has seen it. She saw it at 7:30 this morning.
So I am wondering if she is going to actually enroll in this class. We'll see!
Do you realize that she has stood me up or made me wait a considerable amount of time (between 30 minutes to over an hour) NEARLY EVERY SINGLE TIME WE'VE TRIED TO GET TOGETHER IN PERSON, WHICH IS ABOUT ONCE A WEEK, FOR MONTHS NOW? And on the few times she hasn't made me wait, or bailed on me, she's rescheduled for much later in the day, which often has inconvenienced me. Nearly all of these have been days and times that SHE has chosen by the way.
So yeah I'm sort of at the end of my rope with her when it comes to that - I freely admit it.
By the way, we did meet up today and she was on time and we had a very good time together. And I didn't have to say the above because SHE said it, basically, which was a relief. Before I could say anything, she said, "And I promise to be there and be on time - I really really really want to see you." So saying all that was actually unnecessary.
And she agreed totally about going to the doctor and we had a very deep discussion about some elements of the situation that there's no need to share, but which were very enlightening. I'm feeling a lot better about her and about the situation. Now I just hope she really does go to the doctor.
But why would you do this? You need to take some ownership in this as well.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Sorry, but I wouldn't tolerate week after week of this. Doesn't mean I would drop the person but I wouldn't try and make weekly plans with them when they continually flake out.
And why mention a class? Heck no, regardless of whether this is a real medical issue or not, the last thing you do is mention something that takes a real commitment.
I doubt Id have attempted to organize something so intense as a painting class, in view of her flakiness.
Almost seems like tempting fate.
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