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What did you expect? She hasn't had any intervention, seen a medical professional, nothing yet. You knew this was going to happen.
Yes, of course.
But I don't apologize for my emotions. I mean, you can know a train wreck is going to happen but you still are justified when you gasp and say, "Oh my God. The humanity."
No, I think you're reading too much into why I mentioned the class. I mentioned it because we were talking about crafts, painting, etc. It REALLY doesn't matter to me whether she goes or not - except (and maybe this is petty but I don't care) I'm simply INTERESTED in whether she goes or not. What I mean is that I will have a good time with or without her. I am not going to save her seat - that's not how it works. If she signs up, she will get to sit next to me (I already put her name down as who I sit by IF she registers - if not, I don't care - and to be honest, I have several friends who go to these things and I am going to coordinate with them to see if they're going, and if not, I'm perfectly content by myself).
Not only that - I'll go this far: She told me she was going to register last night. I doubt seriously that she did, since she hasn't told me she has. Tomorrow I am going to reach out to several friends of mine who I know do these classes regularly and I am nearly positive at least one of them can go with me. I will make sure that the seat beside me is reserved for them. Heck, if two say yes, then one on either side! But if I sit next to a stranger, I really don't care. Maybe I'll meet someone fun and interesting! Who knows. I'm very independent and fearless when it comes to strangers or going and doing something by myself.
This is a sort of test. She says I'm right and justified to be annoyed and hurt when she flakes out on me. She says she's making an appt with her doctor Monday. Let's see if any of this has even sunk in.
THAT'S what you need to be reading into it - not whether or not I will be yearning for my friend if she doesn't show up. I have already decided not to include her in anything that actually hinges on whether or not she shows up.
I don't think I am. I am saying there was no reason to discuss this class regardless of what you were discussing. Whether it was art or Spanish you were discussing, I would have kept my mouth shut in regards to a class. I wouldn't say "Hey speaking of Spanish, I signed up for Beginning Spanish at the community college, it's Mon and Wens night at 7pm, want to join me".
It's not about "yearning" for her. It's about the aggravation that will come(and it will come because you were clearly upset with the latest lunch fiasco) of her signing up(if she does) and than not showing, or coming late.
I'm just saying you don't talk of any plans you have in front of her, regardless of why she is doing this, that requires a weekly commitment that means being on time.
I don't think I am. I am saying there was no reason to discuss this class regardless of what you were discussing. Whether it was art or Spanish you were discussing, I would have kept my mouth shut in regards to a class. I wouldn't say "Hey speaking of Spanish, I signed up for Beginning Spanish at the community college, it's Mon and Wens night at 7pm, want to join me".
It's not about "yearning" for her. It's about the aggravation that will come(and it will come because you were clearly upset with the latest lunch fiasco) of her signing up(if she does) and than not showing, or coming late.
I'm just saying you don't talk of any plans you have in front of her, regardless of why she is doing this, that requires a weekly commitment that means being on time.
Hopefully she didn't sign up.
I'm past the point of aggravation now. I've made up my mind about how to handle this and that involves not making ANY plans that cause me to rely on her in any way. For instance, I will only meet her in places that I was going to go anyway, and I am going to do whatever I planned on doing there, and then just leave. There is no way I am going to meet her under any circumstances that require her to be somewhere and be on time in order for me to participate and enjoy myself.
I didn't say "Want to join me?" You keep adding this twist even though I've clearly stated that I DID NOT INVITE HER, she invited herself. We were discussing things we're both doing over the next few weeks and things we've been doing and one thing I'm going to do is go to this class again. I was going to go without her. Her attendance has absolutely no bearing on whether or not I go to this class.
I am not counting on her in any way to show up - in fact, I don't expect her to show up. And as I expected, I have at least one other friend who is going with me, because these classes are really fun. Her involvement or lack of commitment or untimeliness has no bearing on whether I go or not, or whether I enjoy myself or not. It's her loss if she doesn't go, not mine.
It's just sort of interesting (like a train wreck is interesting) to watch her once again do exactly what I just called her hand on. It's downright pathological! And frankly it clarifies things for me and makes my decisions regarding our friendship easier. I mean, when we parted the other evening, she was absolutely fine - very energetic, bubbly, full of conversation and life. She lives five minutes from Barnes and Noble, so no, I don't think ANY true medical condition kept her from registering when she got in, or the next day for that matter (she called, was talking and laughing and carrying on, and was also all over social media leaving comments and talking about things she was doing in general). I sent her the link to register, and I know she saw it since it is time stamped at the time she opened the message. She made a conscious decision NOT to do what she said she was going to do.
Oh, and here's my prediction:
I will go to the class and have fun with a friend or two. We'll probably post pictures of our paintings on social media, as we generally do, along with pictures of the process, us laughing, striking "Van Gogh" poses, etc. She will see the posts that evening or the next day and she will say, "OH MY GOSH, YOU WENT TO THAT CLASS WITHOUT ME!" and will say something along the lines of "Why didn't you remind me?" or "See, if you'd registered me when you registered, we could have gone TOGETHER!" or some nonsense like that.
Well, Kathryn, I do find your honesty refreshing, as well as your open-mindedness. You gave your friend the benefit of the doubt and gave her one more chance. It seemed like she understood and tried a little to give you what you wanted---but it lasted such a short time that it was almost useless---and makes things even more frustrating. It would have painted a pretty picture---that you had somewhat of a heart-to-heart with her and she completely changed because she values your friendship so much---or that she revealed dire medical problems that explained all----but that pretty picture was way too short-lived. It will get old if you have to have the heart-to-heart/ultimatums each and every time.
I think the only medical problem your friend really has is the malaise that is going around society---the me-first mentality and not valuing anything enough to truly honor it and devote mindful time and energy to it.
If you can just do the thing about pursuing activities that you can enjoy on your own even if she doesn't show up, then go for it. I used to try to organize Meetups before I got fed-up---and the cardinal rule was to only plan events that you wanted to attend anyway and not care if only a few or no one showed up.
I agree with your decision to pull back at this time. You can't force her to medically take care of herself and she is an adult and she does have a husband. You're not her caretaker, although I do understand you've wanted to help her in anyway you could, but you can't force her.
So, for your own sanity, back away, don't make plans, and give yourself a break for now. It doesn't have to be forever, but it's clear you do need a break because you're carrying around anger and resentment and that's not good for anyone.
I'm past the point of aggravation now. I've made up my mind about how to handle this and that involves not making ANY plans that cause me to rely on her in any way. For instance, I will only meet her in places that I was going to go anyway, and I am going to do whatever I planned on doing there, and then just leave. There is no way I am going to meet her under any circumstances that require her to be somewhere and be on time in order for me to participate and enjoy myself.
I didn't say "Want to join me?" You keep adding this twist even though I've clearly stated that I DID NOT INVITE HER, she invited herself. We were discussing things we're both doing over the next few weeks and things we've been doing and one thing I'm going to do is go to this class again. I was going to go without her. Her attendance has absolutely no bearing on whether or not I go to this class.
I am not counting on her in any way to show up - in fact, I don't expect her to show up. And as I expected, I have at least one other friend who is going with me, because these classes are really fun. Her involvement or lack of commitment or untimeliness has no bearing on whether I go or not, or whether I enjoy myself or not. It's her loss if she doesn't go, not mine.
It's just sort of interesting (like a train wreck is interesting) to watch her once again do exactly what I just called her hand on. It's downright pathological! And frankly it clarifies things for me and makes my decisions regarding our friendship easier. I mean, when we parted the other evening, she was absolutely fine - very energetic, bubbly, full of conversation and life. She lives five minutes from Barnes and Noble, so no, I don't think ANY true medical condition kept her from registering when she got in, or the next day for that matter (she called, was talking and laughing and carrying on, and was also all over social media leaving comments and talking about things she was doing in general). I sent her the link to register, and I know she saw it since it is time stamped at the time she opened the message. She made a conscious decision NOT to do what she said she was going to do.
Oh, and here's my prediction:
I will go to the class and have fun with a friend or two. We'll probably post pictures of our paintings on social media, as we generally do, along with pictures of the process, us laughing, striking "Van Gogh" poses, etc. She will see the posts that evening or the next day and she will say, "OH MY GOSH, YOU WENT TO THAT CLASS WITHOUT ME!" and will say something along the lines of "Why didn't you remind me?" or "See, if you'd registered me when you registered, we could have gone TOGETHER!" or some nonsense like that.
Ridiculous.
Kathryn....LOL.
Usually you and I agree.
I understand you didn't INVITE HER. I am saying you don't even MENTION a class like this in front of her.
If I had someone like this who was constantly flaking or was someone who I knew wouldn't be a good fit for something I was going to do, the last thing I would do is ever tell them I was taking a class. Just to make sure they didn't say "oh I think I will sign up as well".
Doesn't matter that you didn't invite her, you shouldn't have even mentioned it on the off chance that she would suggest that she goes as well.
I think you know that.
And I don't see the need to post on FB everything I do and every place I go.
I understand you didn't INVITE HER. I am saying you don't even MENTION a class like this in front of her.
If I had someone like this who was constantly flaking or was someone who I knew wouldn't be a good fit for something I was going to do, the last thing I would do is ever tell them I was taking a class. Just to make sure they didn't say "oh I think I will sign up as well".
Doesn't matter that you didn't invite her, you shouldn't have even mentioned it on the off chance that she would suggest that she goes as well.
I think you know that.
And I don't see the need to post on FB everything I do and every place I go.
I have come to the conclusion that the OP actually enjoys this drama. Much like her older threads, where there was always some kind of family drama, I believe this is her new go-to entertainment du jour.
But I would not have talked about the event with her in the first place because I would've been giving her space.
My friend has Anxiety Issues I cant even begin to guess at. I do not.
Therefore I let her suggest the outings. I never suggest them myself because (like the Monet thing) its become another straw on the camels back
yet another instance where she will flake and you will be mad
I would have avoided this at all costs in view of your already existing exasperation.
My Flake friend only does what pleases her, when it pleases her to do it. Organising anything with her will always become a problem, because her LIFE is a problem. She doesn't deal well and her anxiety means she also cant plan much.
She might feel A OK while booking it, but on the day be Too Anxious to go.
This forces the Sufferer into an entire life of Anxiety
Shall I plan it? If I do, will I let others down? Will I waste the money? etc etc
its a Hellish way to live and if your friend is suffering this way, judging harshly and closing down the friendship is not what a Real Friend would do.
I understand you didn't INVITE HER. I am saying you don't even MENTION a class like this in front of her.
If I had someone like this who was constantly flaking or was someone who I knew wouldn't be a good fit for something I was going to do, the last thing I would do is ever tell them I was taking a class. Just to make sure they didn't say "oh I think I will sign up as well".
Doesn't matter that you didn't invite her, you shouldn't have even mentioned it on the off chance that she would suggest that she goes as well.
I think you know that.
And I don't see the need to post on FB everything I do and every place I go.
I gotcha - but you did keep adding, in quotes, verbiage of me "inviting her," which I never did.
I don't post everything I do on Facebook but within the group of women that I go to this class with, we do usually post our pictures of our paintings on Facebook -and the class itself posts lots of pictures on Facebook as well. Between the class, the tags, etc my smiling mug with my newly painted picture is probably going to end up on Facebook.
Update:
She booked the class last night! A freaking mazing! I'm glad she did. So maybe she'll show up. I guess she'll sit with my group because it's a group now since other friends are coming long. And if she doesn't show up, that gives us more room to spread our stuff out! LOL
But I would not have talked about the event with her in the first place because I would've been giving her space.
My friend has Anxiety Issues I cant even begin to guess at. I do not.
Therefore I let her suggest the outings. I never suggest them myself because (like the Monet thing) its become another straw on the camels back
yet another instance where she will flake and you will be mad
I would have avoided this at all costs in view of your already existing exasperation.
My Flake friend only does what pleases her, when it pleases her to do it. Organising anything with her will always become a problem, because her LIFE is a problem. She doesn't deal well and her anxiety means she also cant plan much.
She might feel A OK while booking it, but on the day be Too Anxious to go.
This forces the Sufferer into an entire life of Anxiety
Shall I plan it? If I do, will I let others down? Will I waste the money? etc etc
its a Hellish way to live and if your friend is suffering this way, judging harshly and closing down the friendship is not what a Real Friend would do.
Thanks for your insight. But I do need to remind you that I didn't invite her and HAVEN'T been inviting her to ANYTHING. She is pretty constantly pursuing me and inviting herself along to things, as well as inviting me to things. Should I have mentioned the class to her? Maybe not, but listen - I didn't intend for her to come with me, but I also didn't intend to exclude her. See, she is BORED at home and with her life. She's told me this over and over, and she is artistic and crafty so I did think she might want to check into some of these classes. I didn't tell her about it to rub her face into anything, or to put any sort of pressure on her, or whatever - I honestly didn't expect her to jump at the opportunity to go with me this very week, on the very day. I just thought she might be interested in the classes, which go on all month every month. I thought it might give her something to do and sure enough, she jumped right at it.
Sorry, but I'm not sure I'm up for a friendship in which I can't even tell the other person if I'm taking a class. I mean, dang - as it is, if I tell her my family is coming over, she wants to come over to see them - which is OK, IF SHE WOULD ACTUALLY SHOW UP. What - should I not tell her if my family comes over? What about if I'm going into town running errands - if she finds that out, she wants to meet up for coffee - which once again, would be fine with me IF SHE ACTUALLY MEETS ME FOR COFFEE. But what irks the heck out of me is when she says she's going to and then I plan my errands or whatever around that and then she stands me up.
I'm sorry - but I honestly don't think she's so very fragile that I can't tell her what I'm doing or that sort of thing without her having some sort of anxiety attack. If that's how it is - wow, I really need to reevaluate my entire position in her life. But like I said, I don't think that's the case.
If she does go to the doctor, I guess I'll find out more. But she is under the care of four doctors right now - and I think they're all prescribing drugs and they don't know what the others are prescribing. None of these doctors are treating her for anything particularly serious however, just for the record. She has no chronic conditions that she's aware of or sharing with me. I found out that she's recently had various blood tests and other tests and that everything is fine. But she's getting different meds from different doctors and she doesn't want to share all the information with any of them, which is a bad sign.
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