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a people pleaser perhaps without the ability to follow through? she probably thinks she is being polite by saying oh lets get together but in reality she really doesn't want to so she flakes. many times the other person doesn't really care in the end so there is no real harm, as you posted turns out you really didn't want to go either. however it seems to bother you way more than her or she would keep her dates. put her on the back burner and don't worry about why she is a flake.
Well, I do wish that if she doesn't really want to get together, she would quit calling me and putting out plans with me to get together. I am not calling her or asking her to plan anything - she's doing it.
And actually, at one point not long ago I DID care (less now than then), and I was looking forward to having dinner with her until I had a flareup of pain in an old injury of mine and am hobbling around barely able to put weight on my foot. She doesn't know that though - so as far as she knew I was freaking dressed and ready to go (she just texted me a little while ago).
Little does she know that I'm to the point now of not even getting dressed, let alone walking out the door to meet her anywhere, unless I already had plans to go wherever it is we are meeting. I am not about to rely on her for anything at this point.
Sad, really. But whether she is doing this intentionally or not, she is letting me know what level of importance I have in her life. Reality bites!
Here's a novel idea.... say what's on your mind. All this guessing, playing games like not taking calls, etc. Heh, ___, we had plans tonight, what gives? You know __, I thought I had made myself pretty clear that when you abuse my time, it annoys and hurts me since I'm left with guessing as to the cause. I don't feel valued as a friend when you do this. Who likes to feel annoyed and hurt? No one, and that's why after enduring this behavior for almost a year, I've arrived at my breaking point.
Here's a novel idea.... say what's on your mind. All this guessing, playing games like not taking calls, etc. Heh, ___, we had plans tonight, what gives? You know __, I thought I had made myself pretty clear that when you abuse my time, it annoys and hurts me since I'm left with guessing as to the cause. I don't feel valued as a friend when you do this. Who likes to feel annoyed and hurt? No one, and that's why after enduring this behavior for almost a year, I've arrived at my breaking point.
Didn't you read the thread?
She already did say her piece. Her friend's already been put on the spot... And she's still goofing around. At this point, retreating would be the sanest thing to do.
Here's a novel idea.... say what's on your mind. All this guessing, playing games like not taking calls, etc. Heh, ___, we had plans tonight, what gives? You know __, I thought I had made myself pretty clear that when you abuse my time, it annoys and hurts me since I'm left with guessing as to the cause. I don't feel valued as a friend when you do this. Who likes to feel annoyed and hurt? No one, and that's why after enduring this behavior for almost a year, I've arrived at my breaking point.
This is excellent. I am going to memorize it and say it.
Then she will probably cry and I will have to say, "Oops, gotta go - water's on the boil!" or something. But you're right - I just need to say it. I mean, I said it once a couple of weeks ago, so it's not like I can't do it. I just hate to do it.
a people pleaser perhaps without the ability to follow through? she probably thinks she is being polite by saying oh lets get together but in reality she really doesn't want to so she flakes. many times the other person doesn't really care in the end so there is no real harm, as you posted turns out you really didn't want to go either. however it seems to bother you way more than her or she would keep her dates. put her on the back burner and don't worry about why she is a flake.
The bolded part.
KA, awhile back you said that I said you invited her to the painting class. I never said that, I said you MENTIONED the class to her. See, I wouldn't have done that.
There are people for one reason or another you don't mention certain events in front off on the chance they say "oh I will go to", when it's better that they don't. As you know they're flaky or will impact in a negative way your experience.
You need a break, there is nothing wrong with that. I just saw a friend last week that I haven't seen since Oct. We don't live too far from each other, it just worked out that way. It sounds like you spend a lot of time chasing this woman.
At this stage in the game I think most of us who have read and posted on this thread aren't shocked at all that she is an hour a half a way in Dallas, when she is supposed to have dinner with you.
She has shown this over and over again.
Happy Birthday, I'm sure your husband and family and other friends will have something planned for you.
She already did say her piece. Her friend's already been put on the spot... And she's still goofing around. At this point, retreating would be the sanest thing to do.
Thank you - but I do think I need to make it clear with her that I've had it. I mean, I shouldn't have to say this over and over again and you're right about that. But I did say it, she had her chance, and she really couldn't even maintain for more than a week. So yeah - I need to extricate myself from this and it may as well be a clean break. Though retreating does have it's benefits.
SURELY she knows she's ticked me off! I mean, surely! How can anyone be this obtuse?????
KA, awhile back you said that I said you invited her to the painting class. I never said that, I said you MENTIONED the class to her. See, I wouldn't have done that.
There are people for one reason or another you don't mention certain events in front off on the chance they say "oh I will go to", when it's better that they don't. As you know they're flaky or will impact in a negative way your experience.
You need a break, there is nothing wrong with that. I just saw a friend last week that I haven't seen since Oct. We don't live too far from each other, it just worked out that way. It sounds like you spend a lot of time chasing this woman.
At this stage in the game I think most of us who have read and posted on this thread aren't shocked at all that she is an hour a half a way in Dallas, when she is supposed to have dinner with you.
She has shown this over and over again.
Happy Birthday, I'm sure your husband and family and other friends will have something planned for you.
Thank you, seain dublin!
I am definitely going to take a break from this person.
But once again - I DO NOT chase this woman. I literally do not instigate more than 1 in probably 10 phone calls to her, and that's generally returning one of her calls to me. I do not instigate plans with her. I do not track her, or keep up with what she's doing on a daily basis or anything like that.
She literally never gives me a chance to do so because she's always there first. Not that I would chase her anyway, but it's like she never gives me a chance to miss her because I look around and there she is. Except for when she SAYS she's going to be there - then I can pretty much count on her NOT being there.
I am not shocked that she stood me up either, which is why I haven't even gotten dressed to go out to dinner this evening. I'm still in my house cleaning clothes!
Thank you, by the way, for the birthday wishes. My husband is out of town, but he took me out for a fabulous dinner to our most romantic spot right before he left. And I've actually been pretty spoiled by the attention from friends and family - but we've got a pretty big family, and that comes in handy during birthdays. My parents even gave me a $100 bill (which was so newly minted that I actually thought it was a fake one) in a card - which was pretty exciting! So I'm not counting on her for my birthday jollies - and it's a darn good thing I'm not!
Yep, I'm getting pretty close to backing way off emotionally and literally. I think I may not take a few of her calls - which are frequent - probably every other day or so she calls. I think I am not going to answer her right away, not to play tit for tat but mainly because I am mentally tired of dealing with her on again, off again seesaw behavior. I mean, I am not COUNTING on her for anything, but it would be nice to think we have a pretty good chance of actually getting together when she says "Let's get together!"
I need a break from this. I do actually have friends who are more reliable and who seem to enjoy spending time with me as much as I enjoy spending time with them.
I just really do wonder about her psychological state. I hate to walk away from someone who may need my help - but I have to remind myself that I'm not the one walking away really - she is.
It's just difficult because of all the mixed messages.
She's showing you who she is and telling you what you need to know - you are not as important to her as she is to you. You either listen and understand or you don't.
If you have not laid out your concerns clearly, you should. Tell her that her behavior is offensive and tell her you're worried about her state of mind. After that, if she continues to flake, dump her. You can't save her and don't fool yourself into thinking you can.
She's showing you who she is and telling you what you need to know - you are not as important to her as she is to you. You either listen and understand or you don't.
If you have not laid out your concerns clearly, you should. Tell her that her behavior is offensive and tell her you're worried about her state of mind. After that, if she continues to flake, dump her. You can't save her and don't fool yourself into thinking you can.
I tend to agree with you. Yes, I have laid out my concerns clearly and told her that her behavior is offensive and that I'm worried about her state of mind. She pulled herself together for about a week. Now, same o same o. I agree - I must not be very important to her.
So I wish she'd stop calling me frankly. Of course, I can block her number or just ignore the calls, but I hate it's come to that.
I tend to agree with you. Yes, I have laid out my concerns clearly and told her that her behavior is offensive and that I'm worried about her state of mind. She pulled herself together for about a week. Now, same o same o. I agree - I must not be very important to her.
So I wish she'd stop calling me frankly. Of course, I can block her number or just ignore the calls, but I hate it's come to that.
Ending any relationship is hard, but sometimes it's for the best. I'm pretty hard core when it comes to my friends. If they don't respect me or my time, they're fired. And, I will tell you, the friends I do have are pretty awesome.
I figure I can't choose my coworkers or my family, so I suffer those I don't care for. But my friends? I will never choose someone who has recurring drama or causes me grief.
Happy birthday, btw!
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