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Well, she's been pretty horrible this past year and it's getting worse. No stolen family heirlooms yet, and my husband doesn't find her attractive in the least, so I'm OK so far on those. She has occasionally crashed and burned at my house though and believe me, it was better for her than it was for me.
As for your suggestions, I haven't blocked her texts but I've done everything else, so I guess I'm still officially a good helpful friend.
Where's my badge?
You have the power to remove yourself from whatever horrible treatment you receive. You know this.
I'm speaking here from the perspective of one who has been on both sides. I still have the same friends, both those who I stood by and those who stood by me. Generally, some broken dates and obnoxious communications were the least of people's struggles. More than two of my good friends have died.
I get tired of the all or nothing that gets floated around as the only option anytime the subject of addiction comes up. People can and do benefit from their loved one's support. Some support being at least they didn't die alone.
Maybe not, but it sure sounded like you pretty much consider yourself the standard bearer regarding how to overcome pain and inconvenience. You might want to read again:
In spite of all that ongoing drama, I have not burdened my friends with it. In fact, I think that BECAUSE I don't make a big deal out of it, for some reason I am inundated with attention and love from friends and family (and I'm grateful for it), so much so that I have actually had to tell them, "Really - thank you, but that's enough. Thank you. Honestly. I'm feeling pretty good, actually." Which might not have been entirely true but enough is enough. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I really am overall going to be fine and if I'm not there's not much anyone can do about it. And I PROMISE that if I truly need something, they will hear me loud and clear!
That's an awfully lot of self congratulatory "I" when supposedly discussing someone else's issue.
But as I said, perhaps you're unaware of how it appears. It happens.
Oh, I know that the way something appears often has a lot to do with the perspective of the witness.
I also know that I've discussed her issues, with her, with people on this forum, with my poor mother (God bless her), till I am sick unto death of discussing them.
I'm not an addict. YAY, ME. I'm also not a perpetual taker when it comes to relationships. I'm not a high maintenance sort of friend, but ye gods, I sure do seem to attract them once in awhile. Since their way of thinking is so diametrically opposed to mine, it can occasionally sneak up on me and bite me in the arse.
So yeah, I'm venting. And I DO wish that when it comes to maintenance, my friend would be less so. It pisses me off royally when I say, "But do you really need to take both those medications at the same time? I mean, one prescription is from one doctor and the other is from another doctor, and maybe they don't work well together," and she suddenly goes from teary to indignant and says, "Well, YOU haven't had to deal with the PAIN AND ANXIETY that I've had to deal with, I guess!" and I'm sitting there thinking, "Well, actually, yes I have but clearly you've dismissed my experiences as totally irrelevant."
You have the power to remove yourself from whatever horrible treatment you receive. You know this.
I'm speaking here from the perspective of one who has been on both sides. I still have the same friends, both those who I stood by and those who stood by me. Generally, some broken dates and obnoxious communications were the least of people's struggles. More than two of my good friends have died.
I get tired of the all or nothing that gets floated around as the only option anytime the subject of addiction comes up. People can and do benefit from their loved one's support. Some support being at least they didn't die alone.
You're right about the "all or nothing" approach. I cringe when I hear the term "toxic people" bandied about as if it's everyone else who's always "toxic" and it's ok just to cut people out of our lives as if they never existed.
Which is why I've been so fixated on trying to figure out how to navigate these waters with my friend, while maintaining my own balance.
Good lord, now she sent me an email (she's hitting on all cylinders - phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook), with a picture of a random bedroom and the exclamation "I WANT THIS BEDROOM."
What is wrong with her? If she's having so much fun in Dallas, why is she fixated on me? STOP THE MADNESS!!!!
I am going to tell her exactly what I am feeling and what my application to our situation is going to be, but I am not going to be forced by her incessant attempts at contacting me to say any of it before I'm ready. And I'm not ready yet.
I got that this morning from my sister in law in Holland on FB of a BIG PURPLE BEDROOM . I wish I could send my infamous neighbor on the trip WITH her. Sounds like they'd have a blast
It's hard to finally just put an end to it anyway you can when they are of a "certain age " AND she has been your friend in the past too, at least with my neighbor she was never a friend . This is trippy . It's cool not to answer the phone or texts at this point and give your self a rest .. you deserve it I'm going to read through the thread ( read the first 2 pages and the last already) but like another poster said , I too have read your posts over the years and you are always very practical and see things from many sides so its got to be bad.
You get the badge if you're there for her in the middle of the night when she calls and says, "Can you drive me to rehab?" and you answer, "Stay where you are. I'll be there in ten minutes."
If this is you "sick to death of discussing" something, I cannot imagine when you are actually interested.
That said, you've entirely missed the point that you have continually used your (mentally, emotionally) healthy behaviors as the measuring stick for your "good friend"'s behavior which is most likely not coming from a healthy place. You can choose to not deal with it but the comparison is inappropriate. She is most likely incapable currently of the behavior you expect.
I got that this morning from my sister in law in Holland on FB of a BIG PURPLE BEDROOM . I wish I could send my infamous neighbor on the trip WITH her. Sounds like they'd have a blast
It's hard to finally just put an end to it anyway you can when they are of a "certain age " AND she has been your friend in the past too, at least with my neighbor she was never a friend . This is trippy . It's cool not to answer the phone or texts at this point and give your self a rest .. you deserve it I'm going to read through the thread ( read the first 2 pages and the last already) but like another poster said , I too have read your posts over the years and you are always very practical and see things from many sides so its got to be bad.
LOL thank you. Yes, it seems pretty bad. I don't want to completely block her, even for a few days, but at the same time, I don't like being hounded like this on the heels of her just blowing me off again. I need a break. Thankfully my husband is coming home tomorrow and he is a great diversion. He's also got a wicked sense of humor and he knows my friend, and me - and the whole back story.
For the record, he's pretty good with relationships and he thinks I need to drop kick her. I think that's a bit excessive but he's a man - he's solutions oriented.
I must have missed the part of the thread where it was confirmed that said friend is an addict. If she is then I think it was very appropriate for Kathryn to have encouraged the friend to see a doctor about "health issues".
I think it's totally reasonable to put boundaries in place which include limiting plans with said friend. It's totally appropriate to ignore late night phone calls and odd texts. It is also appropriate when making occasional plans to say, "Are you sure you are up for it?" and to make it clear that you don't like being stood up and even ask her to call you the day of to confirm.
You get the badge if you're there for her in the middle of the night when she calls and says, "Can you drive me to rehab?" and you answer, "Stay where you are. I'll be there in ten minutes."
Which is exactly why I haven't blocked her calls yet. I absolutely WOULD get up and rush to her if I got a call like that. I would even do it if I got a call saying, "OK, I've made an appointment with my doctor but I'm scared to go by myself." Hell, I'd even do it if I got a call saying, "I know it's after midnight, but I really think I need help."
But I don't want to get drunk texts at 1 am or calls at nearly midnight about how mean her sister was to her the last time she called her. These usually involve her sister saying something like, "Oh good grief, _____, I wish you'd take responsibility for your own happiness for a change!" which always strikes her as insufferably cruel and heartless and definitely worth a crying binge and a very late call to me - along with a Xanax.
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