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Which is exactly why I haven't blocked her calls yet. I absolutely WOULD get up and rush to her if I got a call like that. I would even do it if I got a call saying, "OK, I've made an appointment with my doctor but I'm scared to go by myself." Hell, I'd even do it if I got a call saying, "I know it's after midnight, but I really think I need help."
But I don't want to get drunk texts at 1 am or calls at nearly midnight about how mean her sister was to her the last time she called her. These usually involve her sister saying something like, "Oh good grief, _____, I wish you'd take responsibility for your own happiness for a change!" which always strikes her as insufferably cruel and heartless and definitely worth a crying binge and a very late call to me - along with a Xanax.
If you did decide to block her calls at night due to a history of drunk texts and calls regarding issues that can wait till morning then I'd say there is nothing wrong with that either. There is no reason why you should be woken up in the middle of the night and lose sleep because of the very slight, very unlikely chance that said friend might call you in the middle of the night and ask you to take her to rehab. If she calls and your phone is off you'll get a message and you can take care of it in the morning. Having boundaries is healthy.
I must have missed the part of the thread where it was confirmed that said friend is an addict. If she is then I think it was very appropriate for Kathryn to have encouraged the friend to see a doctor about "health issues".
I think it's totally reasonable to put boundaries in place which include limiting plans with said friend. It's totally appropriate to ignore late night phone calls and odd texts. It is also appropriate when making occasional plans to say, "Are you sure you are up for it?" and to make it clear that you don't like being stood up and even ask her to call you the day of to confirm.
Hi, Miss Terri!
I had a long conversation with my friend, in which she shared with me that she is on a wide range of psychotropic drugs and pain killers, prescribed to her by four different doctors at least, in different health care systems, and when I encouraged her to make a complete list and take them to her internist (who seems the most analytical of the various doctors), she literally cringed and said, "No way - they all disagree with each other about what I should be taking, and I need all of these meds."
When I said, "But maybe your body has changed and some of these need to be changed up," she got mad at me, told me that OBVIOUSLY I had never had to deal with pain and anxiety like she's had to, and she point blank refused to even consider any changes to her wide array of drugs - sleeping pills, anxiety meds (two, I think), meds for bipolar disorder though she swears she doesn't have it, meds for depression (I don't think you're supposed to take those with bipolar meds unless under very strict care of one doctor who knows about both of the drugs), hormones (even though she's in her 60s and at least one of her doctors has begged her to get off these), and pain meds. Those are just what i know about.
So yeah, after that conversation I had a much clearer picture of what we're most likely dealing with.
I agree with you about all the boundaries you mentioned.
I had a long conversation with my friend, in which she shared with me that she is on a wide range of psychotropic drugs and pain killers, prescribed to her by four different doctors at least, in different health care systems, and when I encouraged her to make a complete list and take them to her internist (who seems the most analytical of the various doctors), she literally cringed and said, "No way - they all disagree with each other about what I should be taking, and I need all of these meds."
When I said, "But maybe your body has changed and some of these need to be changed up," she got mad at me, told me that OBVIOUSLY I had never had to deal with pain and anxiety like she's had to, and she point blank refused to even consider any changes to her wide array of drugs - sleeping pills, anxiety meds (two, I think), meds for bipolar disorder though she swears she doesn't have it, meds for depression (I don't think you're supposed to take those with bipolar meds unless under very strict care of one doctor who knows about both of the drugs), hormones (even though she's in her 60s and at least one of her doctors has begged her to get off these), and pain meds. Those are just what i know about.
So yeah, after that conversation I had a much clearer picture of what we're most likely dealing with.
I agree with you about all the boundaries you mentioned.
Thanks for that. I missed it the first time around.
I think that you are being a good friend. You've made an effort to try and understand why she is behaving so erratically and you've also been encouraging in terms of trying to get her to seek help. You can't force her to take care of her addiction issues though and by not being at her beck and call you also aren't enabling her by allowing the behavior to continue that is heavily influenced by the addiction. Putting up those healthy boundaries as you have been doing is not only healthy for you but ultimately might be a part of the wake up call she needs to actually get help for her issues.
Thanks for that. I missed it the first time around.
I think that you are being a good friend. You've made an effort to try and understand why she is behaving so erratically and you've also been encouraging in terms of trying to get her to seek help. You can't force her to take care of her addiction issues though and by not being at her beck and call you also aren't enabling her by allowing the behavior to continue that is heavily influenced by the addiction. Putting up those healthy boundaries as you have been doing is not only healthy for you but ultimately might be a part of the wake up call she needs to actually get help for her issues.
Hope springs eternal.
Here is my plan.
I'm going to just ignore her calls and texts and emails for a couple of days. Not a couple of weeks, just a couple of days. (I just noticed that I had a voice mail from her, and when I tried to listen to it, it was nothing but a bunch of scrappling around and static). This will make an impression on her and I believe it already has, hence the flurry of texts, emails, photos, calls, etc. She realizes "Hey, something is amiss. My friend is not at my immediate beck and call - SOMETHING IS UP!"
Hopefully she will put two and two together in her head. "Hmmm, let's see - last week she told me that she was tired of me standing her up, and that she was concerned about my health and my mental state. This week I've already stood her up twice and have texted her pictures of me drinking with a room full of people she doesn't know at 1 am on a Monday night. Maybe she's actually tired of my behavior."
See, she's not an idiot. She's actually a very intuitive person. I find it incredibly hard to believe that she can't connect these dots.
In a few days, I'll talk with her if she wants to listen to me.
If this is you "sick to death of discussing" something, I cannot imagine when you are actually interested.
That said, you've entirely missed the point that you have continually used your (mentally, emotionally) healthy behaviors as the measuring stick for your "good friend"'s behavior which is most likely not coming from a healthy place. You can choose to not deal with it but the comparison is inappropriate. She is most likely incapable currently of the behavior you expect.
LOL. Gotta love the delete post button.
An entire lengthy post about how exhausting you were finding this constant discussing your friend and her issues, here, with your mother etc etc. Yet again making it more about you and your inconvenience. Unfortunately, I was not able to use my quote button at that time.
Anyhoo...just wanted to give context to my post so it didn't appear I was pulling that out of..well, thin air.
An entire lengthy post about how exhausting you were finding this constant discussing your friend and her issues, here, with your mother etc etc. Yet again making it more about you and your inconvenience. Unfortunately, I was not able to use my quote button at that time.
Anyhoo...just wanted to give context to my post so it didn't appear I was pulling that out of..well, thin air.
No, it doesn't appear that you pulled it out of thin air. I wouldn't say that's where you pulled it out of at all.
But thanks again for your ongoing helpful comments. It's very clear to me that your reasons for interacting on this thread are pure and righteous and God knows we all need more of those elements in our lives!
No, it doesn't appear that you pulled it out of thin air. I wouldn't say that's where you pulled it out of at all.
But thanks again for your ongoing helpful comments. It's very clear to me that your reasons for interacting on this thread are pure and righteous and God knows we all need more of those elements in our lives!
No, I've purposefully stayed away from this thread until today. But at some point, it became evident (and frustrating) that you are really not getting that you can't compare her reactions and behaviors to yours. For whatever reason, she isn't there. You've indicated several times that while she is a tad flakey, she's not typically like this. So something is different. Something has changed. It is a valid cause for concern. People have tried to explain, but you keep coming back with stories about how wonderfully you handle your myriad of friends. Great! But that's not the point or what this thread was about (I though - my bad). I was truly trying to get you to see that, because sometimes even good people, have difficulty perceiving things through the eyes of others, so they just don't "get it".
You clearly don't want it pointed out to you. And that's ok. You are not obligated to listen to anyone or respond to comments that you don't feel are applicable to you. Kind of like your friend doesn't feel your comments are helpful or relevant to where she is right now. I get it, it's a bit of defensiveness. Handle it however you'd like.
**and your post was up for long enough that I have no doubt it was seen by a few folks.
No, I've purposefully stayed away from this thread until today. But at some point, it became evident (and frustrating) that you are really not getting that you can't compare her reactions and behaviors to yours. For whatever reason, she isn't there. You've indicated several times that while she is a tad flakey, she's not typically like this. So something is different. Something has changed. It is a valid cause for concern. People have tried to explain, but you keep coming back with stories about how wonderfully you handle your myriad of friends. Great! But that's not the point or what this thread was about (I though - my bad). I was truly trying to get you to see that, because sometimes even good people, have difficulty perceiving things through the eyes of others, so they just don't "get it".
You clearly don't want it pointed out to you. And that's ok. You are not obligated to listen to anyone or respond to comments that you don't feel are applicable to you. Kind of like your friend doesn't feel your comments are helpful or relevant to where she is right now. I get it, it's a bit of defensiveness. Handle it however you'd like.
**and your post was up for long enough that I have no doubt it was seen by a few folks.
I don't care who saw it. I just removed it because it was superfluous. Hell, now I wish you HAD quoted it because I'm truly curious about whatever it was that got you so rambunctious!
No, not really.
Anyway, I've talked a lot more about things other than just how this affects me. But of course it does affect me. And of course, I am more comfortable with people I UNDERSTAND - maybe even people - dare I say it - who think a bit more like me, maybe who have values and definitions of relationships that are more like my own.
I'm OK with that. If you want to call it defensiveness, have at it. At the end of the day, I know the effort and emotion and love and concern I've poured into this relationship over the past 20 years. I'm not Job. If I was, maybe someone would write a holy book about me some day. But that's not likely.
I have to say this - I am still on meds for insomnia, and was on a bunch of psych meds at one time. They jumped the gun, and later found out I actually had a SLEW of vitamin deficiencies, diabetic, low red blood cell count, etc. I take handfuls of supplements and vitamins at a time now as directed by the doctor, but I am reflecting back on all the previous meds they had me on as part of my mis-diagnosis. I do not agree that she is just being "forgetful".. Yes, you get brain fog on psych and insomnia meds, but with her approach of pulling forward, and pushing back when SHE wants to is CLASSIC passive agressive behavior. For whatever reason, she is playing you! Trust me - I have been on those meds and they don't make you forget THAT much! You don't forget you had plans with someone, call them the next day, text them 5 times a day when they are bored, then bother them "coincidently" when you know they typically spend time with someone else.
I have to say this - I am still on meds for insomnia, and was on a bunch of psych meds at one time. They jumped the gun, and later found out I actually had a SLEW of vitamin deficiencies, diabetic, low red blood cell count, etc. I take handfuls of supplements and vitamins at a time now as directed by the doctor, but I am reflecting back on all the previous meds they had me on as part of my mis-diagnosis. I do not agree that she is just being "forgetful".. Yes, you get brain fog on psych and insomnia meds, but with her approach of pulling forward, and pushing back when SHE wants to is CLASSIC passive agressive behavior. For whatever reason, she is playing you! Trust me - I have been on those meds and they don't make you forget THAT much! You don't forget you had plans with someone, call them the next day, text them 5 times a day when they are bored, then bother them "coincidently" when you know they typically spend time with someone else.
Thanks for this perspective. I have never needed to be on a lot of meds, and I've certainly never been addicted to any sort of meds, so I haven't known just what to make of all this.
The jury is still out, but let's just say that I think there are some mental issues and some long standing emotionally manipulative behaviors as well as medical issues at play here. See, I have stood on the sidelines over the years and watched her create totally unnecessary drama with other people who are close to her - and I've told her exactly my position on it and been there when she called me later in tears wondering why on earth people were so mad at her - I've tried to help her through these episodes but now the tables are turned and it's me she's alienating.
I can't say I'm really surprised, but it DOES hurt. Well, it hurt a few weeks ago. Now it's just more frustrating, and occasionally sort of amazing in it's total predictability, than hurtful.
The bolded part is what really strikes me. Sorry - I'm with you. I don't think this is simply a matter of addiction or a health issue. It seems too calculated.
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