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Ending any relationship is hard, but sometimes it's for the best. I'm pretty hard core when it comes to my friends. If they don't respect me or my time, they're fired. And, I will tell you, the friends I do have are pretty awesome.
I figure I can't choose my coworkers or my family, so I suffer those I don't care for. But my friends? I will never choose someone who has recurring drama or causes me grief.
Happy birthday, btw!
Thank you for your honest feedback and for the birthday wishes!
If today was your birthday, happy birthday! (If it wasn't, happy belated birthday, or happy upcoming birthday.)
Can you, instead of blocking her calls, just stop making plans with her that don't involve other people, and tell her why you are doing this? For example, you would let her come along (or not), if you were dining with a group of friends, but you wouldn't plan a one-on-one dinner. That way, if she appears, so much the better, and if she doesn't, your time wasn't wasted, because the social occasion still occurred. Sort of like the art class.
If today was your birthday, happy birthday! (If it wasn't, happy belated birthday, or happy upcoming birthday.)
Can you, instead of blocking her calls, just stop making plans with her that don't involve other people, and tell her why you are doing this? For example, you would let her come along (or not), if you were dining with a group of friends, but you wouldn't plan a one-on-one dinner. That way, if she appears, so much the better, and if she doesn't, your time wasn't wasted, because the social occasion still occurred. Sort of like the art class.
Yes, I can do that. And thanks for the birthday wishes! (It was this weekend - woohooo!!!)
There was a 99% chance from the get go that the chat wasn't going to do any good and that nothing would change.
It's again, imo, something more serious than the OP's hurt feelings, and if I were her I'd put those aside for the sake of my long term friend and support her as much as possible, rather than going the full on injured party I'm not going to answer the phone route.
Forgetting dinner altogether is a sign that there's something going on that the friend is not aware of. Still, like before.
Sometimes our friends need us even if they aren't acting optimally. I think we all hope that if the roles were reversed our friends would do the same and give us the benefit of the doubt.
Unless the OP has done something to the friend and the friend is enacting sweet revenge. Who knows?
There was a 99% chance from the get go that the chat wasn't going to do any good and that nothing would change.
It's again, imo, something more serious than the OP's hurt feelings, and if I were her I'd put those aside for the sake of my long term friend and support her as much as possible, rather than going the full on injured party I'm not going to answer the phone route.
Forgetting dinner altogether is a sign that there's something going on that the friend is not aware of. Still, like before.
Sometimes our friends need us even if they aren't acting optimally. I think we all hope that if the roles were reversed our friends would do the same and give us the benefit of the doubt.
Unless the OP has done something to the friend and the friend is enacting sweet revenge. Who knows?
Not the case.
But you do bring up my conflicted feelings again - it's a long friendship to come to such a restricted place in our lives. But I cannot MAKE her go to the doctor. And she's not even being honest with her various doctors (who are in different healthcare systems) about her various prescriptions, so I'm not even sure what good it would do for her to even go to a doctor until she's prepared to be honest. And the minute I bring up possible drug interactions or maybe changing dosages, she gets very defensive and shuts down the conversation, with stuff like, "Well, you wouldn't know about that sort of thing because you've never experienced anxiety and pain like I have, I guess." Well, who would know the answer to that? I know that I've experienced significant pain and anxiety in my life over the years, and I slogged my way through it without much use of prescription drugs but that's just me. I also know that I've never developed any sort of dependency on a drug either.
I'm worried about her but I don't know what else I can do to help her. If I talk with her husband, she will get furious with me. I can't make her go to the doctor. I can't make her be honest with her doctor. And meanwhile, I'm not even sure its' something physical. I've dealt with mentally ill people before and it's no picnic. You can't force mental healthcare on anyone unless they do something that gets them involuntarily committed and my experience has been that until that happens, it's very difficult to get them to respect boundaries.
I do not believe that I should enable her behavior, not that that's what you're recommending. I just don't really know what to do at this point.
Happy birthday, Kathryn. Perhaps your "friend" gave you the ultimate birthday gift---you've been conflicted as to how much to take from her---so maybe this is the nail that seals the coffin. (Hey, most of us don't get a nail for our birthday---so at least it's a unique gift---and one that can get you off the up and down stuff and more into a place of equanimity, which you can experience on your own or with other friends and family).
This just happened way too soon after your last talk. Not sure another talk would accomplish anything...except further drain your energy.
Scary about the prescription drugs, but right now it sounds like she has more of a friendship/interest in them than you.
Happy birthday, Kathryn. Perhaps your "friend" gave you the ultimate birthday gift---you've been conflicted as to how much to take from her---so maybe this is the nail that seals the coffin. (Hey, most of us don't get a nail for our birthday---so at least it's a unique gift---and one that can get you off the up and down stuff and more into a place of equanimity, which you can experience on your own or with other friends and family).
This just happened way too soon after your last talk. Not sure another talk would accomplish anything...except further drain your energy.
Scary about the prescription drugs, but right now it sounds like she has more of a friendship/interest in them than you.
Happy birthday, Kathryn. Perhaps your "friend" gave you the ultimate birthday gift---you've been conflicted as to how much to take from her---so maybe this is the nail that seals the coffin. (Hey, most of us don't get a nail for our birthday---so at least it's a unique gift---and one that can get you off the up and down stuff and more into a place of equanimity, which you can experience on your own or with other friends and family).
This just happened way too soon after your last talk. Not sure another talk would accomplish anything...except further drain your energy.
Scary about the prescription drugs, but right now it sounds like she has more of a friendship/interest in them than you.
If that's the case, then she's having addiction issues.
Which is no walk in the park for her. I wouldn't throw her out of my life because she's struggling. We all struggle with something at some point.
If she's genuinely confused and forgetting appointments, then taking it personally is not fair to a long term friendship, for either party.
If that's the case, then she's having addiction issues.
Which is no walk in the park for her. I wouldn't throw her out of my life because she's struggling. We all struggle with something at some point.
If she's genuinely confused and forgetting appointments, then taking it personally is not fair to a long term friendship, for either party.
I see what you're saying. But I don't think she forgot today's "appointment." I think she just texted me "Yoohoo, I'm in Dallas, having a great time - Love you!" as some sort of "soft drop." She doesn't owe me any sort of accounting for what she's doing on a daily basis, and we don't have that sort of friendship anyway. I think she knew she had "sort of" committed to taking me to dinner but had once again pushed that out of the way. Actually she HAD committed but in her mind it was a "maybe - if I'm not doing something else." Thankfully, I'm used to this behavior by now so I don't plan my days around her anymore, which is a big relief frankly.
I'm starting to feel like I'm the backup - like I'll do if something better doesn't come along. If that's the case, I really wish she'd stop calling me wanting to get together.
She's had addiction issues in the past, by the way. There's not a lot a person can do for someone in that situation other than tell them, "I believe you have addiction problems and when you're ready to deal with them, I'm here for you." I've told her that already - actually what I said was "I think you may have some prescription drug issues and when you're ready to deal with them honestly, I"m here for you," but BELIEVE ME, she didn't want to talk about that at all. No ma'am, not one bit.
She's not ready to deal with whatever the problem is, and I can't force her to do it. But I don't think that means that I have to tolerate ongoing flakiness. I mean, I may have to be around it to some extent, but I don't have to enable it or get myself all wadded up in it, I don't think.
Time to read about co-dependency, and then see what behaviors resonate with you. You're part of this continuing drama-rama, even though you have attempted to set some boundaries. The amount of space this woman is taking up in your mind might be at an unhealthy level. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't control another person. You accept who they are, as they are, or leave them be.
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