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Here's the sticky part with addiction as I see it.
Because addicted people appear to be having fun, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addiction appears to be a self inflicted illness, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addiction causes people to do silly, rude, annoying, unrespectable, even heinous things that are out of character, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addicted people are terrified of losing their minds and their addiction simultaneously, they refuse help, and their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion.
Regardless, addicted people are sick and miserable and suffering, and need their friends and family.
Here's the sticky part with addiction as I see it.
Because addicted people appear to be having fun, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addiction appears to be a self inflicted illness, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addiction causes people to do silly, rude, annoying, unrespectable, even heinous things that are out of character, their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion. Because addicted people are terrified of losing their minds and their addiction simultaneously, they refuse help, and their non addicted friends and family have a really hard time mustering up any compassion.
Regardless, addicted people are sick and miserable and suffering, and need their friends and family.
OK, I see your point, but here's where I have a hard time with it.
Without boring you any more than absolutely necessary with my tales of physical trials and disabilities, I'll just say that over the past four years I've had a few debilitating setbacks which have caused me significant pain and suffering, and long term mobility issues - including but not limited to surgeries, massive orthopedic boots, crutches, handicap signage, and Vicodin.
In spite of all that ongoing drama, I have not burdened my friends with it. In fact, I think that BECAUSE I don't make a big deal out of it, for some reason I am inundated with attention and love from friends and family (and I'm grateful for it), so much so that I have actually had to tell them, "Really - thank you, but that's enough. Thank you. Honestly. I'm feeling pretty good, actually." Which might not have been entirely true but enough is enough. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I really am overall going to be fine and if I'm not there's not much anyone can do about it. And I PROMISE that if I truly need something, they will hear me loud and clear!
This isn't the case with addicts, apparently. In fact, it seems almost the opposite. I honestly feel like she's alternating between stalking me and standing me up, in spite of me having numerous long and torturous conversations with her about all of her issues, and possible solutions or at least help. I don't know how to help her, and I don't think the answer is "Just listen to her when she needs to talk," or "Just be there for her when she reaches out." What does that even mean, anyway? "Just be there?" I feel like "being there" means being her punching bag. I'm not sure I'm up for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not.
Nothing seems like enough, and yet anything is too much.
Apparently this is why so many addicts lose everyone in their lives. I can understand it. I'm not a superhero and I do have my own life and my own health issues to deal with, like most other people. She's too much. She's sucking the life out of me. And then spitting on me.
How does it work exactly? I don't get it. How exactly am I supposed to "be there" for this person? I am serious - I'm out of ideas. I'm tired of her phone calls, which alternate between hysterical laughter, tears, and crazy, ridiculous self imposed drama that really shouldn't be this hard to sort out. Her communication with me is bordering on stalking at this point, and yet she continues to stand me up at the drop of a hat. I don't want, or think I should have to field, texts and phone calls in the middle of the night - just because she feels like calling me.
Something is really, really off in this relationship. I mean, I know at this point that it's either drugs, mental illness, or a combination of the two, but I still need healthy boundaries in MY life. It's not just her we're talking about - her life has a ripple effect.
Remember, my brother and mother both have serious mental health issues. This isn't my first rodeo when trying to balance love for someone and boundaries. I've done better with my mom and my brother than I have with my friend, but basically what I had to do was build the Wall of China as a boundary and post a militia on top of it to get them to respect that boundary. And even then, my brother was absolutely impossible to deal with until he was involuntarily committed and forced into a regimen of therapy. Only then did he become someone I could allow much access into my life, and now we have a decent relationship. My mother is easier to handle because in spite of her mental illness, she is not an addict of any sort, and she also does love me and genuinely wants a good relationship with me in spite of her challenges.
I am not sure what my friend expects, but one thing she SEEMS to expect is 24/7 access into my life, except that I can only be on call to meet HER needs, which may be there one minute and gone the next.
I agree that it's exhausting. And it's toxic, too. I've had two friends with whom I'm had similar experiences, Kathryn, and they were both due to alcohol and/or drug abuse. It causes a lot of stress! At some point, you just have to throw in the towel and build that wall. (Yikes. I felt a little "The Donald- T-Rump" saying that.)
I agree that it's exhausting. And it's toxic, too. I've had two friends with whom I'm had similar experiences, Kathryn, and they were both due to alcohol and/or drug abuse. It causes a lot of stress! At some point, you just have to throw in the towel and build that wall. (Yikes. I felt a little "The Donald- T-Rump" saying that.)
The only thing keeping me from building a wall right now is that I might possibly be mistaken for supporting Donald Trump.
OK, I see your point, but here's where I have a hard time with it.
Without boring you any more than absolutely necessary with my tales of physical trials and disabilities, I'll just say that over the past four years I've had a few debilitating setbacks which have caused me significant pain and suffering, and long term mobility issues - including but not limited to surgeries, massive orthopedic boots, crutches, handicap signage, and Vicodin.
In spite of all that ongoing drama, I have not burdened my friends with it. In fact, I think that BECAUSE I don't make a big deal out of it, for some reason I am inundated with attention and love from friends and family (and I'm grateful for it), so much so that I have actually had to tell them, "Really - thank you, but that's enough. Thank you. Honestly. I'm feeling pretty good, actually." Which might not have been entirely true but enough is enough. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I really am overall going to be fine and if I'm not there's not much anyone can do about it. And I PROMISE that if I truly need something, they will hear me loud and clear!
This isn't the case with addicts, apparently. In fact, it seems almost the opposite. I honestly feel like she's alternating between stalking me and standing me up, in spite of me having numerous long and torturous conversations with her about all of her issues, and possible solutions or at least help. I don't know how to help her, and I don't think the answer is "Just listen to her when she needs to talk," or "Just be there for her when she reaches out." What does that even mean, anyway? "Just be there?" I feel like "being there" means being her punching bag. I'm not sure I'm up for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not.
Nothing seems like enough, and yet anything is too much.
Apparently this is why so many addicts lose everyone in their lives. I can understand it. I'm not a superhero and I do have my own life and my own health issues to deal with, like most other people. She's too much. She's sucking the life out of me. And then spitting on me.
And apparently she doesn't even realize it.
You do understand that how YOU deal with YOUR issues is not necessarily how everyone else CAN or even SHOULD?
OK, I see your point, but here's where I have a hard time with it.
Without boring you any more than absolutely necessary with my tales of physical trials and disabilities, I'll just say that over the past four years I've had a few debilitating setbacks which have caused me significant pain and suffering, and long term mobility issues - including but not limited to surgeries, massive orthopedic boots, crutches, handicap signage, and Vicodin.
In spite of all that ongoing drama, I have not burdened my friends with it. In fact, I think that BECAUSE I don't make a big deal out of it, for some reason I am inundated with attention and love from friends and family (and I'm grateful for it), so much so that I have actually had to tell them, "Really - thank you, but that's enough. Thank you. Honestly. I'm feeling pretty good, actually." Which might not have been entirely true but enough is enough. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I really am overall going to be fine and if I'm not there's not much anyone can do about it. And I PROMISE that if I truly need something, they will hear me loud and clear!
This isn't the case with addicts, apparently. In fact, it seems almost the opposite. I honestly feel like she's alternating between stalking me and standing me up, in spite of me having numerous long and torturous conversations with her about all of her issues, and possible solutions or at least help. I don't know how to help her, and I don't think the answer is "Just listen to her when she needs to talk," or "Just be there for her when she reaches out." What does that even mean, anyway? "Just be there?" I feel like "being there" means being her punching bag. I'm not sure I'm up for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not.
Nothing seems like enough, and yet anything is too much.
Apparently this is why so many addicts lose everyone in their lives. I can understand it. I'm not a superhero and I do have my own life and my own health issues to deal with, like most other people. She's too much. She's sucking the life out of me. And then spitting on me.
And apparently she doesn't even realize it.
Oh come on. You're acting as though she's been living on your couch for ten years, stealing your family heirlooms and sleeping with your husband.
Don't agree to meet her anywhere socially and block her texts if you have too. Reiterate that she seems to be having issues and when she's ready to get help you'll be there. (Meaning you'll drive her to rehab, listen to her when she gets out, I dunno, whatever friends do for each other). Reiterate you aren't up for playing games but she has your support when the SHTF, push comes to shove, the rubber meets the road, and all that deep friendship stuff.
This is not a competition between how you behave when you're having problems and how she behaves. She's not you. Addiction by its very nature causes people to behave this way, as do the substances one is addicted to. It's not separate. Behavior is 99% of the problem.
Oh come on. You're acting as though she's been living on your couch for ten years, stealing your family heirlooms and sleeping with your husband.
Don't agree to meet her anywhere socially and block her texts if you have too. Reiterate that she seems to be having issues and when she's ready to get help you'll be there. (Meaning you'll drive her to rehab, listen to her when she gets out, I dunno, whatever friends do for each other). Reiterate you aren't up for playing games but she has your support when the SHTF, push comes to shove, the rubber meets the road, and all that deep friendship stuff.
This is not a competition between how you behave when you're having problems and how she behaves. She's not you. Addiction by its very nature causes people to behave this way, as do the substances one is addicted to. It's not separate. Behavior is 99% of the problem.
Well, she's been pretty horrible this past year and it's getting worse. No stolen family heirlooms yet, and my husband doesn't find her attractive in the least, so I'm OK so far on those. She has occasionally crashed and burned at my house though and believe me, it was better for her than it was for me.
As for your suggestions, I haven't blocked her texts but I've done everything else, so I guess I'm still officially a good helpful friend.
You do understand that how YOU deal with YOUR issues is not necessarily how everyone else CAN or even SHOULD?
Or maybe you don't.
What helpful advice and input! Thanks so much!
I don't expect everyone to deal with everything exactly as I do, by the way. I do, however, think it's reasonable to expect common courtesy from my friends.
I don't expect everyone to deal with everything exactly as I do, by the way. I do, however, think it's reasonable to expect common courtesy from my friends.
Maybe not, but it sure sounded like you pretty much consider yourself the standard bearer regarding how to overcome pain and inconvenience. You might want to read again:
In spite of all that ongoing drama, I have not burdened my friends with it. In fact, I think that BECAUSE I don't make a big deal out of it, for some reason I am inundated with attention and love from friends and family (and I'm grateful for it), so much so that I have actually had to tell them, "Really - thank you, but that's enough. Thank you. Honestly. I'm feeling pretty good, actually." Which might not have been entirely true but enough is enough. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I really am overall going to be fine and if I'm not there's not much anyone can do about it. And I PROMISE that if I truly need something, they will hear me loud and clear!
That's an awfully lot of self congratulatory "I" when supposedly discussing someone else's issue.
But as I said, perhaps you're unaware of how it appears. It happens.
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