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OK... to me this is the perfect example of what I was saying. You started with small talk and it became a gateway to more interesting things. That is what small talk is.
Maybe I'm just not understanding what people consider small talk?
Maybe people just hate small talk delivered in a bland, uninteresting manner?
My example was of how, if I am going to speak to strangers, I prefer to skip small talk and go right to something that really interests me. The Jeopardy question may qualify as very brief "small talk" but I consider it more of a "gateway" or "icebreaker" which was "small" but still contained specialized knowledge, which screened both the guy and me, and let us know we can have a real talk. We non-small-talkers do that a lot I think. We can quickly "screen" people to find something in common that is deeper and meaningful. If we don't find it, or if we determine the other person is the kind that just talks to fill space, we keep our distance. I think of it in the way that some gay people describe the days of being closeted and having to give and receive clues in conversations.
If we were people who engage in small talk, after the Jeopardy question icebreaker, we might have just chatted about Jeopardy in general, or about the food at that restaurant, or about the weather or the traffic (which led me to stop there in the first place). But to people like me, that would have been draining and inane, and I'd rather just sit there and drink and not talk.
When I go somewhere, I am focused on whatever I am doing. I am not trying to meet someone or make a friend. I want to complete my transaction or business and move onto whatever else I had to do that day.
Why do you find this so hard to believe?
What are you talking about? Maybe you quoted the wrong person? I wasn't responding to your post and have no problem believing anything.
I said nothing about avoiding small talk at all.
Quote:
We can quickly "screen" people to find something in common that is deeper and meaningful. If we don't find it, or if we determine the other person is the kind that just talks to fill space, we keep our distance. I think of it in the way that some gay people describe the days of being closeted and having to give and receive clues in conversations.
If we were people who engage in small talk, after the Jeopardy question icebreaker, we might have just chatted about Jeopardy in general, or about the food at that restaurant, or about the weather or the traffic (which led me to stop there in the first place). But to people like me, that would have been draining and inane, and I'd rather just sit there and drink and not talk.
OK then... I've been thinking something else was small talk all my life. I don't equate small talk with boring talk. To me, small talk is the little 'screening' comments you make when meeting someone to see if you mesh. Small bites of conversation to see if you have something else to talk about.
Chatting endlessly about the weather or what a celebrity is doing is just a boring conversation, not small talk... to me that is. Maybe I'm completely wrong.
People come up to me all the time, at grocery stores, banks, sidewalks, but we never resort to baloney small talk. They just start talking to me, sharing their lives. (No, they are not "crazy" - I've had all different types of people just start talking to me in like the frozen food aisle at the grocery store. Someone in scrubs after work or on lunch break, firemen, soldiers, little old ladies, people my own age, males, females...) I listen to their stories. I know more about these people by just listening and allowing them to share their story that for some reason, to this day I do not know why people feel so at ease around me because I really don't feel I'm giving off that vibe, they decide to come up and start sharing with me, MORE than I ever learn about someone when making small talk.
Sounds as if you're a good listener, "small" or otherwise.
What are you talking about? Maybe you quoted the wrong person? I wasn't responding to your post and have no problem believing anything.
I said nothing about avoiding small talk at all.
She was answering your last question[qoute]Maybe people just hate small talk delivered in a bland, uninteresting manner?[/qoute]
I totally agree with Tracysams last post and it fits right in with what I said earlier about conversing with people who gives us clues about mutual interests, in this instance an offhand comment about history.
Yes, making small talk can be a pain and kind of boring. But many times we must make small talk as part of our job, when meeting new people we want to know or get on their good side or at events with family or friends.
I am introduced to many people at these events and they are like talking to a wall. Incredibly weak at small talk. Some seem like they are trying but many don't understand how important small talk can be.
I participate small talk to be civil, although I'm bored by small talk, frankly. It often starts with someone wanting a validation about a trivial inconvenience, and I usually feel that I'm expected to play audience to whining. Inquiries are much easier for me to respond to.
Personally I don't think it has anything to do with "people being lousy at small talk". Sometimes I hit it off with a person and other times it is painful trying to think of something to talk about or keep a conversation going.
Some people are good story tellers, others make me want to poke my eyes out.
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I'm a good listener, and eventually I can carry a conversation, but I'm pretty shy, and need to warm up to someone before I really am able to talk to them comfortably.
If I'm meeting someone just like me for the first time, we are dead in the water, lol.
Does this cause problems? Yes, sometimes people think because I am shy and quiet, that means I'm stuck up - which is far from the truth.
On the flip side, if you are one of those people that can talk to wood, and I am meeting you for the first time, its almost perfect. You are talking away unfettered, and I am getting to know you and warm up to you. Later we will be talking louder and louder, because you wont shut up, and I cant get a word in edgewise, lol.
What are you going to do? Its an imperfect world.
Why am I shy? I blame the over-bearing grandmother that raised me.
I'm a good listener, and eventually I can carry a conversation, but I'm pretty shy, and need to warm up to someone before I really am able to talk to them comfortably.
If I'm meeting someone just like me for the first time, we are dead in the water, lol.
Does this cause problems? Yes, sometimes people think because I am shy and quiet, that means I'm stuck up - which is far from the truth.
On the flip side, if you are one of those people that can talk to wood, and I am meeting you for the first time, its almost perfect. You are talking away unfettered, and I am getting to know you and warm up to you. Later we will be talking louder and louder, because you wont shut up, and I cant get a word in edgewise, lol.
What are you going to do? Its an imperfect world.
Why am I shy? I blame the over-bearing grandmother that raised me.
"Little children should be seen and not heard."
Great post, especially re: the 'shy people can seem stuck up' clause. Very true.
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