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My son is 27, I see him every couple of months or so since he lives and works 600 miles away, and I count myself lucky! His work brings him to this part of the world every few months, and he will pop down occasionally for holidays and occasional races/triathlons/football games. He and I chat via Google Hangouts two or three times a week -- jokes, the odd article we read and think the other would enjoy, etc., etc., advice re: his new lease, or my new phone, etc.
My daughter lives about 15 minutes away. She and I have a pretty regular "girls night out" once a week -- dinner, then sometimes a movie, sometimes just a pedicure, sometimes shopping. It's not a sacrosanct day, because her schedule is very chaotic -- she's starting her own business, and she and her boyfriend are very busy with sports and friends. She has lunch with my husband about once a week, too. We text each day, just quick texts about work or how to cook something, and she's very good about calling if she's on her way to the grocery store or post office to see if I need anything before she stops by to say hi.
Funny thing happened Mother's Day: I got a text message in the morning that I read quickly as, "Would you like us to come over and fix dinner?" I responded -- "No, thanks, I think I'd rather go out to dinner at ___." At dinner, my daughter said, "Mom, did you READ the text message I sent you?" I was confused and said, "Didn't you offer to come to the house and fix dinner?" Everyone laughed -- I had misread the text, she had invited me to HER place for dinner, and I had basically said, "Nope, rather go out than eat at your place!" I still haven't lived that one down!
I'm a mama's boy (and a daddy's boy to a lesser extent), so if I lived within the same city, I'd probably be over their house a couple of times a week at least, even if its just to say hello or grab a bite to eat/drop off some groceries on the way home. But that's me.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.
this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.
so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
I try to see my mom at least once or twice a year. I just started a new job and vacation time is scarce as well as money to travel. It is not a big deal to our relationship. When I lived within an hour of her, once or twice a month was plenty. We ain't super close anyway so that frequency was fine with me.
As much as they like, I think we should pay mind to the fact that life is short and just because you are an adult and independent, does not mean you should forget your parents. I know we have our own lives, and sometimes our parents sucked, but still.
Unless of course your parents were terrible human beings, then the answer is never.
That happened to a friend of mine. His parents complained and complained that he only saw them once a week so he started inviting them over to his house at times that were convenient for him. "Mom & Dad please come over Thursday at 6:30 PM and we can play cards" or "Mom & Dad, I get home from the gym at 7 PM on Tuesday. Ill take a quick shower & then I'll make dinner we can eat together at 8:30 PM."
His parents had excuse after excuse why they couldn't come to his house but they backed off about him coming to their house all the time.
Good advice. My parents would never come to my house either. When my trip to their place was about 50 minutes each way, I visited them every other Sunday. Like clockwork. My feeling about everything like this is be firm, be consistent, and when they complain just say, "You know when you will see me. Next Sunday," and don't harbor any other discussion about it.
Of course I would go an extra time if there was a problem, an illness, etc., but I tried to stick with my plan. For example, if Christmas fell three days before my "on" Sunday, then "on" was "off" that week. Consistency addresses the problem more than anything. OP, it IS indeed ridiculous that your mother acts as if she's never going to see you again, but maybe that's what it feels like to her. If she knows when your next visit will be, maybe she'll calm down.
once a week is fine, don't let her guilt trip you. in one ear and out the other. or remind her that yes you will go see her where ever she is living and remind her too that you were just there last week. you could also tell her if she wants to see you more often she can come to your house every now and again. it really is amazing how many parents/grandparents ***** no one comes to see them, yet extend an invitation for them to come see you, they just can't be bothered and go on to list a bunch of "reasons" why not. it's a two way street find out how far she will go to see you, it might show you how much guilt you can drop.
I agree...in my case I live several states away and have for several years, and my location now would be financially feasible for them to come see me, but they have never visited me and rarely initiate phone calls. But if I go too long without calling then I get the guilt trips about how it's been so long since they last heard from me...yet they won't pick up the phone. Although in the last six months or so it's gotten better in that regard.
The first few years after I left were the hardest guilt-trip wise, they were upset at the frequency of my visits (once a year for 7-10 days) but it was a very expensive trip between airfare, rental car, hotel room, hiring someone to keep my dogs if my bf came with me and since he was from there too he pretty much always did, and of course the money you spend while there. Plus the amount it costs to park the car at the airport. Oh, and double the airfare if bf came. Whereas if my parents came they could stay with me and I have a car. So they would only pay for the airfare. Maybe a car rental for a day if they wanted to be able to go out and do something themselves but....I'd let them have the car.
It's interesting how adult children are always expected to make concessions in the parent-child relationship once the child moves out...especially a child just starting to make it on their own whereas the parents are maybe more established and better able to afford the costs of visiting if it's not super close by.
I used to live about 12 minutes from my parents and I saw them maybe once every 3 weeks or so. Parents who guilt-trip their kids are only going to drive them further away.
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