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i go over on sunday's for dinner too! my mom invites me. i go without my boyfriend as well. but this past sunday, along with her nursing home comment, she said the only reason she sees me is because she feeds me. i told her that i didn't look at it like that - i saw it as something to do while seeing them. i mean i could go over there and just sit there for a few hours also and visit them but why not just have dinner together? and i go over about two hours beforehand so i can visit with them. i don't just show up, eat dinner, and then leave. i make an effort to spend more time. so that's why her comments upset me. she constantly makes me feel like i don't do enough.
Maybe joke with the comment like, Maybe we should put you in a home now as you're talking all crazy and that's where crazy people go...
If she continues to make comments, say something like, Look, I come when I can, and you need to stop bugging me about it because it's going to make me come less.
And then try the trick the other person posted about inviting them to your place and see how many excuses they have. Or invite to a play or museum, or whatever else you can think of that she would like for a visit beyond food.
really? how far away do you live? and are you close with them? have you ever been close with them?
I've always lived within 30-45 minutes of them. We're "close" in that we don't fight and we get along fine when we're together. But my family has none of that obligation stuff that I see in so many families, like my ex's family. If my parents, sister, or I tried to lay a guilt trip on each other, we would probably just burst out laughing because it's so not us. We actually make fun of other families when we hear about them guilt-tripping each other.
My parents pretty much raised me well, and that that meant raising me to be an independent adult. they don't require my time and attention as some kind of repayment. Likewise, I don't require them to give me attention or rescue me from life. We might talk on the phone here and there in between those visits, but no obligatory phone calls.
I think it also helps that my parents have a life. Their life doesn't revolve around me.
I live about ten minutes away right now. Probably a couple times a week? It just depends what I have going on. I think once a week is plenty, OP. It's hard when you work full time to make time for everything you want/need to do during the week. Your parents should be grateful you make the effort once a week.
I think it depends on the relationship you have with your parents and your own personal life.
For example: If you get along great with your folks and you want to see them, and you don't have to interrupt the lives of others to see them once a week, hey by all means visit.
Alternatively: You get along great, but you have a significant other who may want to spend time with you during the weekend. In this case your folks should understand and if you visit twice or once a month.
Likewise: You have kids and/or a spouse. When you can swing it, or holidays, birthdays etc.
If you don't get along: Start looking at the Shady Pines brochures.
It's hard to say, once a week is pretty good as far as I'm concerned. Mrs. Chow's mom is the only one left that's here locally. We see her every 3 or 4 weeks, but she talks to her everyday on the phone. Part of that is just checking in on her, she's getting pretty old, so we check in daily on the phone.
I try to come once every six weeks or so. Occasionally they'll come here. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. I'm in Indiana and they're in Tennessee.
Once a week is MORE than enough. I don't know your relationship status but once you're in a serious relationship, have kids, it may well become even less than that unless they're wanting to help with childcare!
Their expectations are unrealistic - you're not a kid living at home any more. It may help if you eventually move further away - not saying you should have to but a little distance - even 30 minutes - would make a huge difference. Just be glad they aren't always coming over to see you!
That happened to a friend of mine. His parents complained and complained that he only saw them once a week so he started inviting them over to his house at times that were convenient for him. "Mom & Dad please come over Thursday at 6:30 PM and we can play cards" or "Mom & Dad, I get home from the gym at 7 PM on Tuesday. Ill take a quick shower & then I'll make dinner we can eat together at 8:30 PM."
His parents had excuse after excuse why they couldn't come to his house but they backed off about him coming to their house all the time.
I think once a week is fine, but I also really like the idea of you sometimes inviting her over when it's convenient for you. That doesn't have to be every week but even once or twice a month would hopefully go a long way to eliminating the complaints. And if your mother doesn't want to make the effort to come to your house, you still get to say "But I asked you over last week and you didn't come" if she complains.
You need to do what feels right to you. Some people see their parents nearly every day, some once or twice a year, some, not at all. Theres no manual on it. Its a personal situation.
Dont let your mother guilt you into visiting. It sounds like no matter how much you would visit her, she would still have something to say about it.
Do what YOU want to do.
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