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To the OP: Your task right now should be working on letting her remarks go in one ear and out the other. You know what she is going to complain about (the frequency of your visits) and you can accept that as part of your mother without letting it bother you. You should do some thinking about that and also practice it. Stop trying to justify yourself to her - just change the subject.
Your mother is being irrational, and you will almost certainly be unable to change her. But it is in your power to change the way you react to her.
yeah i think i have to work on not letting it bother me.... along with some other things she says to me
Something else I used to tell people in therapy all the time, that your mom might need to understand:
If there is someone in your life who you think doesn't see you or call you often enough, then whenever you do see them or call them, all you do is complain about how they don't call you or see you enough, and you try to make them feel guilty, all you will accomplish is pushing the person even farther away from you. They are more likely to DECREASE how frequently the call you or visit you, because you are making every contact they have with you unpleasant.
yeah i think i have to work on not letting it bother me.... along with some other things she says to me
she sounds like she is guilting you into seeing her, which as you get older, will grow into resentment, if it isn't already....
I would explain to her, that no two people ever think alike, and she should be happy you do make a point of seeing her once a week, that some parents don't even get that....
My son and his family live far away....so I only see them once or twice a year, ask her how that would set with her, if you moved away? Maybe that might make her stop and think.
Funny how people never stop to consider how good they DO have it, until it's gone.
My real mother is still alive, whenever I went to visit her, she guilted me, but in the same, she'd constantly put me down.
Once I warned her..."Mom, I'm the only thing you've got left, you'd be wise to try and be a little bit nicer to me!" She wasn't and so, as far as I'm concerned she is no longer. I won't be treated like that any more. (There was a long child hood history of abuse) So.....
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.
this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.).
I think you've missed her point.
The issue is not the frequency of your visits, it's whether she can be confident that you will visit her at all when she will really rely on it. You're not giving her a "warm fuzzy feeling" that you won't forget about her when she's an invalid.
She's probably reacting to how you relate to her when you do visit. Do you act as though your visits are a pleasure or a chore?
Maybe I missed this, but if you can afford it I would definitely bring dinner over to your mom or take her out at least once a month for your visit. Her comment about you only coming to eat indicates maybe your visit is also connected to work for her. Cooking gets to be kind of a chore for some women after years of doing it (or is it just me?).
Once a week seems fine to me. I think your mom should consider herself lucky you come that often. If my children lived that close by, I would be very satisfied with a weekly visit.
The issue is not the frequency of your visits, it's whether she can be confident that you will visit her at all when she will really rely on it. You're not giving her a "warm fuzzy feeling" that you won't forget about her when she's an invalid.
She's probably reacting to how you relate to her when you do visit. Do you act as though your visits are a pleasure or a chore?
i guess there is other stuff that i'm not including.. like for example she told my older brother one time that he's a stranger to her and how she knows nothing about his life (meanwhile he includes her in a lot of stuff). so she makes these comments a lot. the nursing home thing was just an example. she says different things all the time that point to one thing - me and my brothers don't care about her and my dad. so i'm not sure it's exactly about the nursing home, i think that was just her way of adding in, once again, that we don't care about them. which is just simply not true.
i know every family is different... some people are happy with frequent visits, some people are happy with less frequent visits.
i think the problem is that my mom and i differ on how many visits is appropriate lol if that makes sense.
i think once a week is fine and she thinks i should be visiting more. that's the problem. but in my opinion it is hard to visit more than that when my time is limited to evenings on weekdays and two weekend days.
that's why i posted, b/c she makes me feel bad about only a once per week visit, so i wanted to see if i was really being a terrible daughter. but it seems like the general consensus is that once a week should suffice for the most part.
When you do visit, what do you do together? Do you just stop in or do you have a meal or do you do chores... ? If you visited more, what would it look like?
I see my parents once a week. It always has to be on their terms, their schedule, their wants, etc. They usually don't want to do anything fun because they are misers. It would be me sitting at their house and chatting. I don't have a need to do that more than once a week. If they wanted to go to dinner or we could do events or even run errands together, I'd see them more. ( I do lots of boring things with my friends I could do alone but with company it is more fun).
For whatever reason I assume your mom wants to still be running your life in a manner of speaking. Not everyone lets go just because you are grown up. If you want to be generous consider adding more time in seeing her but get something out of it for yourself or tell her when is good for YOU and she needs to comply. Stick to your boundaries and make them known. (like I hate being out until 10pm on a work night, that means I go to bed too late which ruins my work day. My parents don't work and haven't for years and years. They need to honor my work night boundaries)
I love my parents and like them but they are so so rigid to accommodate that it doesn't make it fun to hang out much. And no matter what we are doing we have to stop at an exact moment they say for meal time that they must be home for and prep themselves. Even if we are having fun or at an important family function; the routine/schedule must be honored always! (blah, just complaining here a bit lol...)
It's so individual. We are all different in my family. Dad passed away 5 years ago. Mom is 61 and in decent health. three kids total, brother is 42 and just moved to Montana from NYC, but even when he lived here didn't make much of an effort. Sister is 39 and has never lived outside of mom's house. I am 37, live about 15 minutes away, am there every Sunday. I am very close with my mom and we text often throughout the week (don't talk as much anymore because we both have busy jobs). When I go to her house on Sundays, I do my laundry there (hey it's free) and sister makes dinner. I do spend time talking to her and just hanging out together.
Wow, lots of demanding parents out there. Are these people who don't work and/or have no other hobbies/interests besides guilt-tripping their kids? Husband and I try to not put pressure on anyone because life is stressful enough without that and we want them to visit because they enjoy our company, not because we've guilted them into it. We see our oldest (who lives 2.5 hours away) probably around 10 times a year. We try to alternate, we were just there for Memorial Day and he is driving down for the 4th.
Our youngest lives about 8 mins away and has a weird work schedule. He lets us know when he is available for lunch during the work week, so we often take an hour and have lunch together. He also comes by on his days off quite often. We are happy to go to his house as well, but DIL goes into a panic whenever we are scheduled to visit because she works a lot and feels she has to go on a cleaning frenzy first. There have been stretches of 2, 3 months where we haven't seen him because he has had to work overtime, or because we've been too busy with work and other stuff to get together. Those times, we stay in touch via email or texting.
Anyway, my long-winded point is, just communicate and let her know it upsets you when she talks like that and that once a week is the most you are able to tackle at this point. And, if she does email, try to stay in touch that way.
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Husband and I try to not put pressure on anyone because life is stressful enough without that and we want them to visit because they enjoy our company, not because we've guilted them into it. We see our oldest (who lives 2.5 hours away) probably around 10 times a year. We try to alternate, we were just there for Memorial Day and he is driving down for the 4th. 
There have been stretches of 2, 3 months where we haven't seen him because he has had to work overtime, or because we've been too busy with work and other stuff to get together. Those times, we stay in touch via email or texting. 
