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i know every family is different... some people are happy with frequent visits, some people are happy with less frequent visits.
i think the problem is that my mom and i differ on how many visits is appropriate lol if that makes sense.
i think once a week is fine and she thinks i should be visiting more. that's the problem. but in my opinion it is hard to visit more than that when my time is limited to evenings on weekdays and two weekend days.
that's why i posted, b/c she makes me feel bad about only a once per week visit, so i wanted to see if i was really being a terrible daughter. but it seems like the general consensus is that once a week should suffice for the most part.
Something else I used to tell people in therapy all the time, that your mom might need to understand:
If there is someone in your life who you think doesn't see you or call you often enough, then whenever you do see them or call them, all you do is complain about how they don't call you or see you enough, and you try to make them feel guilty, all you will accomplish is pushing the person even farther away from you. They are more likely to DECREASE how frequently the call you or visit you, because you are making every contact they have with you unpleasant.
Also, adult children who have lives of their own are not "self involved" in a negative way. Not everyone has the luxury of being a stay at home mom who can hang out with their mom every day. Most people work full time and some people work multiple jobs. Even if I lived near my parents...I work full time and have a side business and like to keep in contact with my friends, too. And I am in a long term relationship. We only get so much time to tend to our personal life...so your life not revolving around your parents doesn't make you a bad person OP and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
It sounds like you didn't work. It's not self-involved to work for a living and only have evenings and weekends to fit the rest of your life into.
I not only worked, I ran my own advertising business with hundreds of clients all day long driving to meet with them and vendors, volunteered at church and school, had foreign exchange students and kept learning computer software and skills. My Mother always said if you want something done ask a busy person. They know how to schedule. You make time for what is right and important.
And by the way from what I hear, stay at home moms DO work. Don't get into that brawl.
yeah, working full time monday-friday is totally different
As I addressed above, I not only worked 9 to 5 monday through friday I worked all weekend and well into the night as well. You make time for what is right and important.
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.
this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.
so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
Once a week is pretty good! Don't fall for that guilt trip.
Your mom should have other interests.
We laugh about our mom telling us to make ourselves at home, while she waltzed out the door with her friends. This was after my dad died. She was in her 70s but had lots of friends and they liked to do things together. It was great.
To the OP: Your task right now should be working on letting her remarks go in one ear and out the other. You know what she is going to complain about (the frequency of your visits) and you can accept that as part of your mother without letting it bother you. You should do some thinking about that and also practice it. Stop trying to justify yourself to her - just change the subject.
Your mother is being irrational, and you will almost certainly be unable to change her. But it is in your power to change the way you react to her.
My mother and father live 2 minutes down the street in the same neighborhood and I love seeing them.
My kids have dinner with them twice a week (my wife takes them), and I go over about once a week to join them (sometimes I'm working). Sometimes I see them more. It's all good and always pleasant.
I love how my kids feel their house is a second home.
My mom is 86 and lives in a condo about 20 minutes away. I visit her once a week and call about that often. We usually visit a few hours and I bring her fresh fruits and veggies from our garden plus bouquets. My two sisters live out of town but a stepsister visits and calls. We talk about current events, our travels and life in general. As she ages I will help out more. I enjoy the talks and her company.
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