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My mom is 81 and lives about 45 minutes away. I call her once or twice a week but I only visit around once a month. She doesn't complain and I am fine with seeing my kids occasionally and they live close. People have busy lives and unless your mother is in declining health once a week sounds plenty in my opinion.
Now my father would guilt us so much when we called him that we never wanted to call him. He wasn't a good father while we were growing up so I didn't feel especially bad about keeping my distance. His whining and complaining got bad enough that when we knew he was out for awhile we would call and leave a voice mail. That way we made our call but didn't have to speak to him.
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.
this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.
so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
Yes, you do have your own adult life...and you need to tell them that....
I am so sorry that your parents put this guilt trip on you....while I can certainly understand why they do, still doesn't make it right.
Stand your ground firm, this is a case of tough love, but in the process, be kind and patient...b/c you cannot be the only purpose in life that your parents have. They need to find other outside interests.
Unfortunately parents become way to independent on their children for their happiness....and when it's time for them to move on, it cuts deep, sometimes too deep. Unfortunately this is part of life, things are constantly changing and evolving, so....remember this as a life lesson for when you have children.
Always teach them to be independent, in every way....allow them to branch out away from the family...into other diversions, like sports, hobbies, etc.
I believe a lot of times, this is why children move away...b/c parents become way to dependent upon their children.
I don't think it can be a "one size fits all" answer. Depends on the family dynamics, distance, etc.
I live 30 min. from my elderly parents, usually try to get by once a week, although I often go 2 weeks without a visit. I have very little free time, and honestly I got pretty burned out when my mom had back surgery and things went south. I was damn near ready to move to a different state for a while as I was so stressed out. She spent 8 months in and out of hospital and rehab. But she's at home now and well on the road to a near complete recovery. And I am definitely reclaiming sone of my life. They don't try to "guilt trip" me at all as they know I was literally on-call for them, for so long.
I don't think it can be a "one size fits all" answer. Depends on the family dynamics, distance, etc.
I live 30 min. from my elderly parents, usually try to get by once a week, although I often go 2 weeks without a visit. I have very little free time, and honestly I got pretty burned out when my mom had back surgery and things went south. I was damn near ready to move to a different state for a while as I was so stressed out. She spent 8 months in and out of hospital and rehab. But she's at home now and well on the road to a near complete recovery. And I am definitely reclaiming sone of my life. They don't try to "guilt trip" me at all as they know I was literally on-call for them, for so long.
When my mother was alive I saw her many times a week. When I dropped the kids off at school and I would drop in on her and have coffee. When the kids had a play I would pick her up to see it. When she needed to go out shopping for a new outfit we did that. I had her come over and/or go with me to other relatives for holidays. It was just human decency. This woman was not a great mother to me and still had her quirks but we put that in the past and as adults got along.
I think honoring your parents is an action, not a thought. Being self involved is not an adequate reason to skip out on your parents as they age. You will see that when you age.
When my mother was alive I saw her many times a week. When I dropped the kids off at school and I would drop in on her and have coffee. When the kids had a play I would pick her up to see it. When she needed to go out shopping for a new outfit we did that. I had her come over and/or go with me to other relatives for holidays. It was just human decency. This woman was not a great mother to me and still had her quirks but we put that in the past and as adults got along.
I think honoring your parents is an action, not a thought. Being self involved is not an adequate reason to skip out on your parents as they age. You will see that when you age.
It sounds like you didn't work. It's not self-involved to work for a living and only have evenings and weekends to fit the rest of your life into.
I worked a high stress 40-45 hrs a week job. We lived 2 hours from my parents. We tried to spend one weekend a month at their house. I was an only child and the only family they had. We were close, and got along just great. It was a strain, sometimes to lose one precious weekend when there was so much I needed to do after a week of work. But it was worth it. When we had our daughter, we made sure they still got their weekends and pretty much every holiday. I am glad we did. They are gone now, I miss those weekends. A lot.
You need to do what feels right to you. Some people see their parents nearly every day, some once or twice a year, some, not at all. Theres no manual on it. Its a personal situation.
Dont let your mother guilt you into visiting. It sounds like no matter how much you would visit her, she would still have something to say about it.
Do what YOU want to do.
Every family is different.
A friend of the family, who was a widow, remarried when she was in her 60s. She and her new husband spent a lot of time with her adult son, his wife and her adult grandchildren & great-grandchildren as well as her other children who lived nearby (who lived in other cities). They saw various family members of members of hers multiple times a week, frequently went on vacations with them, etc. etc.
When they went into assisted living & then into a nursing home her family continued to visit multiple times a week. In the approximately 25 years that they were married I never heard him mention any family so I just assumed that he had never married before & did not have any children or grandchildren of his own.
When my friend's husband passed away I was shocked to discover that he had three children, and many, many grandchildren & great-grandchildren. Apparently, their family, who lived from 15 minutes to two hours away, only saw or called their father/grandfather about once a year. Later I mentioned that to my friend, his widow, and she said that he & his family got along fine but they had always spent very little time together and that was OK with everyone.
Every family is different.
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