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Thank you everyone for your help. Yes, all but 3 people were family....4 generations of family. We try to do most of the preparation in advance, and husbands do sometimes help. It's the cousins from out of town that enjoy the dinner, but don't help out with the clean-up. Mom makes the stuffing and a turkey, so she is doing a lot too. These big dinners are a family tradition and we love the conversation, but now we are getting older and would like to not take on the responsibility. Mom doesn't want to go to a restaurant, she thinks no one can cook like she can. When Harpaint mentioned we could get together as a group and tell her we are not doing it again, I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't think there is going to be a resolution to this problem....we'll just continue on until mom goes to a retirement facility.
When Harpaint mentioned we could get together as a group and tell her we are not doing it again, I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't think there is going to be a resolution to this problem....we'll just continue on until mom goes to a retirement facility.
Yeah, it's very easy to draw those battle lines "on paper," but at this point you have to ask yourself if this is a hill you are willing to die on.
Honestly, I would not take a hard line with my 81-year-old mom. Sure, she could do this for another 10 years, if she's like the women in my family LOL. But the reality is that you won't have THAT many more Thanksgivings with your mom.
Yes, she does get some personal satisfaction out of hosting this event to her specifications, which is not exactly healthy, but ... what are you gonna do? That's like the doctor telling my husband's 91-year-old grandfather that he should cut out the bacon he'd been eating every day of his life.
Anyway, I do encourage you to find ways to get other family members in on set-up and clean-up so y'all can socialize afterward. Beyond that, let your mom enjoy this tradition she's created that will be her legacy.
Definitely try to find some other family members to share the load. 4 generations of family means there are more than enough adults that capable of peeling some potatoes and washing some dishes.
OP, I'm not quite getting where the hangup is. You say she doesn't want to change anything.
Would she have any choice, if you "girls" decided not to comply with the cooking assignments? She needs you to cooperate, in order to have these insanely big bashes. All you have to do, is decline. Since she needs you, YOU are in the driver's seat. YOU are the Deciders. You can say, next year, "Mom, we've discussed it among ourselves, and we've decided we're all bringing finger food and trays of catered appetizers, so that we can enjoy a visit with our older family members, while we still have the opportunity. None of us are getting any younger, and we want to use this opportunity for quality time with all our aunts and uncles. We've missed out on the socializing for too many years."
If she has an emotional breakdown and can't cope, have a Plan B ready, among yourselves. Agree that if Mom has a meltdown, you will all share the expense of hiring a team of caterers. Do not budge. Do not give in, and take the burden of cooking and cleaning up on yourselves, yet again. You've paid your dues. There is no Door #3; there are only A and B, she can take her pick. If she must indulge her cooking skills, you can talk to her about having a smaller dinner at home, prior to, or after Christmas. You and your sisters and sis-in-laws are retiring.
You deserve to enjoy your relatives' company. YOU all are in the driver's seat of your own lives.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-26-2017 at 09:51 PM..
Well, good luck OP! I guess we're all different. I'm 70 now and my mother has passed. But she didn't try and I wouldn't have let her "insist" that I do something beyond the age of about 18.
When Harpaint mentioned we could get together as a group and tell her we are not doing it again, I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't think there is going to be a resolution to this problem....we'll just continue on until mom goes to a retirement facility.
Oh, come on, OP! Just tell her next November that you all are treating the entire family to a catered dinner, end of story. If she'd like to bring turkey and stuffing, fine. Let her, that would be a nice touch. But one turkey for 50 people isn't going to go very far....
And suggest as an alternative, that you (girls) and she do a dinner for the nearby relatives, not the out-of-town cousins, in her home, or whoever's home, with an extra dinner table, and maybe a kiddie table in another room, as a pre-Christmas get-together, a new tradition. That shouldn't be too much to handle.
Head over to the Caregivers forum where you will discover how very fortunate you are to have these problems. Maybe in 3-5 years you can have the same troubles some of the folks over there cope with everyday.
My practical suggestion is to get more participation from the guys who don't do things now. "Love ya, Mom"
Head over to the Caregivers forum where you will discover how very fortunate you are to have these problems. Maybe in 3-5 years you can have the same troubles some of the folks over there cope with everyday.
My practical suggestion is to get more participation from the guys who don't do things now. "Love ya, Mom"
Really? I have read quite often in the Caregiving forum where older parents expect too much from their adult children and make their lives difficult. The OP's mother could well become like that if they continue to cater to unrealistic expectations.
Well, good luck OP! I guess we're all different. I'm 70 now and my mother has passed. But she didn't try and I wouldn't have let her "insist" that I do something beyond the age of about 18.
You had a very unusual mother.
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