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When Harpaint mentioned we could get together as a group and tell her we are not doing it again, I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't think there is going to be a resolution to this problem....we'll just continue on until mom goes to a retirement facility.
My 81 year old mother has been hosting big dinners for relatives and friends for over 60 years. She enjoys the planning, the cooking, and the hosting. This year, for Thanksgiving, we rented a big hall and hosted 57 people. Mom was in a flurry, e-mailing recipes and directions for the correct way to make gravy, how many potatoes to mash (per person), how many rolls to make...even though we are all accomplished cooks. She loves this stuff. The problem is, we (the daughters and daughters-in-law) do not get the same enjoyment from it that mom does. We shop for ingredients, prepare the turkey, gravy, rolls, and mashed potatoes, makes salads and desserts. Our relatives arrive, eat, talk to each other, and then leave. We (the daughters and daughters-in-law) are so busy with preparation and clean-up, we don't have time to talk to the relatives that we rarely see. We really want to scale down the dinners....and have each person/family bring finger food. We don't want to be stuck in the kitchen, preparing hot food and washing dishes. The problem is: Mom feels a lot of pride in her abilities as a cook. She compares herself to her friends, who often have dinner disasters. I don't think she wants to give that up. How do we convince mom to let us simplify these dinners?
Your story brings back old and not so fond memories. Your mother sounds a little bit like my MIL who very much emphasized that she was the family matriarch and all the family must always do as she ordered. I think everyone in her family was a little afraid of her. She was a university bigwig originally from America and for years in November she would put on a big American style Thanksgiving dinner at her home for family and she also invited upwards of 20 foreign guests who were faculty on teaching sabbaticals at the university. She wanted her foreign guests to experience an American style thanksgiving dinner.
She enjoyed the party planning and hosting and the meal planning but none of the cooking part of it. So family would arrive early (as ordered) and the daughters and daughters-in-law would all get stuck in the kitchen all day doing all the food prep and cooking for 40 +/- people while MIL (and her sons and husband) were being the hosts drinking and serving drinks and entertaining and chatting it up with all her foreign guests in the sitting room. She barely stepped foot in the kitchen except to come in occasionally to give orders to us or to ask for another plate of hors d'oeuvres for her guests.
Anyway, after a few years of this the daughters/daughters-in-law all got fed up with it because we felt like we were being used as unpaid servants and cooks to her events, which were not enjoyable for us, and we put our collective foot down and put an end to it. We gave her an ultimatum which was that from now on thanksgiving dinners for the whole family would be on the traditional Canadian Thanksgiving date (October) and it would be for family members only at our own homes on alternating years so that each of us had a turn to be host. If MIL wanted to host an American thanksgiving in November at her home for all her foreign faculty guests she would have to do it without us. That meant she could please herself how she wanted it done, cook it herself or pay to have it catered or pay to have cooks and servers come to her home, but plan on doing it without family being there to jump at her beck and call.
And that's what we did. And MIL's November TG dinners for her foreign guests were catered after that.
One big point that is missed. Grandma is the Queen's bee of the family, always cooking up the meals, and takes the utmost pride in being that person. She will never stop wanting to be that person, who is on top, and started that big family that you have. Hats off and give grandma that joy.
Come to think of it, all you cooks need to find a better way to make it happen. At least one sister can be the one that takes the lead.
Eventually, you will be that grandma, that will have the rough time of making it happen.
Thank you everyone for your help. Yes, all but 3 people were family....4 generations of family. We try to do most of the preparation in advance, and husbands do sometimes help. It's the cousins from out of town that enjoy the dinner, but don't help out with the clean-up. Mom makes the stuffing and a turkey, so she is doing a lot too. These big dinners are a family tradition and we love the conversation, but now we are getting older and would like to not take on the responsibility. Mom doesn't want to go to a restaurant, she thinks no one can cook like she can. When Harpaint mentioned we could get together as a group and tell her we are not doing it again, I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't think there is going to be a resolution to this problem....we'll just continue on until mom goes to a retirement facility.
Can you get by with the cooking and then hiring staff for the serving and cleanup? Contact all those attending and ask for contributions towards paying people to come in and help so that everyone can sit down and socialize during the meal. Oh and hire a supervisor who knows prior to the meal what you want so that people don't come to you or one of your siblings with problems/issues.
why not try picking up the main meats, turkey/pork already cooked and sliced, in a baking tray ready to warm up. Everyone else can bring their own baking tray with their "best of creations", and Have grandma be the judge.
I think that's a great idea! Making grandma the judge will give her a feeling of importance (people trust her opinion on good food).
I think it sounds like a recipe for a lot of quibbling and hurt feelings.
Sounds like grandma is very, very traditional, so I don't think changing the date, the menu, having finger foods or catering would go over well. I think your best option to keep peace in the family is to have those out of town family members step up and share in the responsibilities more. If you don't think they would stick around for the clean up then assign them to help with the prep. If they can show up to eat at two o'clock they can darn well show up at ten or eleven to peel potatoes or make a salad. Maybe invest in throw away foil pans and dinnerware and such to make the cleanup easier too.
So she enjoys the accolades but you get stuck with the work. You are making the mistake of giving her all the power yet expecting her to change. You need to "tell" her, not "convince" her. As a group, just tell her you don't enjoy it and will not do it again, and then stick to it. (Just because she's 81 doesn't give her the right to bully you into something you don't enjoy.)
There are many possible alternatives, from discontinuing the dinners altogether to getting them catered or asking the various attendees to help.
Totally agree-- you let her know, as in tell her, not debate or convince her or try to sell her on it... just let her know in a friendly firm manner" hey mom so anyways for Christmas different guests will bring dishes and some finger foods because we are not able to do all the involved homemade cooking anymore... we know everyone will have a relaxing time to enjoy each other's company and look forward to being with you" period...
"But tradition says..."
"I know you feel that's important and we believe tradition is too so we're continuing tradition by making it a day with family and food"
And hopefully she'll be able to accept it with understanding for the most part even if she doesn't prefer it... perhaps you could give her some feeling of some important dish being included like let her decide if it will be pumpkin pie and cheesecake or pecan pie and brownies, etc??
Sorry, I must've missed the memo. What exactly about the uterus makes the womenfolk better suited to cooking & cleaning & slaving away in the kitchen?
I don't know but I can add that I went for years to family holiday dinners and recall having to wash dishes with my cousin Cathy, my sister, my mom and aunt and another cousin, sink filled with soapy water washing and dryin, while the men sat in recliners shooting the breeze and watching tv..
It's not the uterus, it's the socialization of women being conditioned to accept this type of responsibility and not say no when asked.
Thank goodness I don't have this situation in my family. My adult kids and their spouses have taken over most of the holiday food prep and clean up. For the meals following Thanksgiving Day, it's everyone helping themself followed by take out for Saturday night.
In regard to the OP's situation, I would say to scale back by eliminating the cousins. Plan for a family reunion in the summer---a pot luck with dishes assigned to the cousins.
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