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81 is getting up there... my grandmother was like your mom. Loved to entertain and host elaborate meals. She passed 2 years ago and I would give anything to be " inconvenienced " a couple of times a year to have her back.
There has to be a compromise situation where you & the other worker bees get to enjoy visiting with the rarely seen relatives.
Why are people eating and leaving? Is there not room for them to stick around and chat? It sounds like a cafeteria is set up. Are all 50+ sitting down at the same time for the meal?
Could the meal be earlier in the day?
Could you hire a clean-up crew?
Could you scale down the "big dinner" guest list? Or are the extras the people you wish see?
81 is getting up there... my grandmother was like your mom. Loved to entertain and host elaborate meals. She passed 2 years ago and I would give anything to be " inconvenienced " a couple of times a year to have her back.
IMHO, 81 is not that old.
I remember my oldest uncle. Every family reunion from the time that he was about 75 he would say "This is probably my very last reunion so we need to this (or that or some other thing) my way." He ended up passing away at age 98 and his siblings rarely got to do things "their" way at reunions as it was always his "very last reunion".
I have had many relatives live to their late 90 and even early 100s. Imagine if this continues for the OP and her sisters and sister-in-laws. They could be 81 and still be bossed around Mom and expected to do all of the work while Mom gets all of the credit.
It sure seems like the simplest solution, doesn't it?
But watch how that guest tally suddenly shrinks when people are asked to do more than just show up and eat.
I suspect alot of the guests don't want to be there. They were likely ordered to come just like the unhired help was ordered to prepare. That is why they put in a token appearance and leave.
Sometimes a big affair like this becomes just another obligation. It sounds like everyone would benefit from its dismantlement into more personalized holiday dinners.
I remember my oldest uncle. Every family reunion from the time that he was about 75 he would say "This is probably my very last reunion so we need to this (or that or some other thing) my way." He ended up passing away at age 98 and his siblings rarely got to do things "their" way at reunions as it was always his "very last reunion".
I have had many relatives live to their late 90 and even early 100s. Imagine if this continues for the OP and her sisters and sister-in-laws. They could be 81 and still be bossed around Mom and expected to do all of the work while Mom gets all of the credit.
I can understand why the current "kitchen crew" is feeling disgruntled and the situation needs to be corrected. No group, like the out of town cousins, should get to eat and socialize without helping in some manner.
This needs to be explained to Grandma. Perhaps in the fall a cheerful email could be sent out to all relatives saying the TG dinner has become too overwhelming for the usual group of cooks and everyone can contribute in a manner they choose:
1. Bring an appetizer, salad, side dish, drinks or dessert (indicate for how many people to feed). This does take some co-ordination for a well-rounded dinner.
2. Non-cooks can help in set-up and/or cleanup. Perhaps major cleanup can be done between dinner and dessert so people don't leave. I would put at least three people in charge of this to all stand up and announce to the rest, "Okay cleanup crew, our turn!" and lead the march to the kitchen area.
If the relatives don't like it, too bad. Let them find somewhere else to have a huge free meal.
Finger foods? What would that even look like for Thanksgiving?
If you rent a big hall, why not hire caterers to do the serving and the cleanup? Or give them your recipes and have them do some cooking?
Or get some Chinet and save yourself some cleanup?
Do a Sign up genius and let everyone who attends sign up to bring something regardless of what recipe they use? (Do all the pies have to follow Mom's recipe?)
Tell those cousins from afar what their share of the bill will be and they might decide they have other plans closer to home.
You are worried about upsetting Mom but the truth is, it your extended family that is walking all over you.
I remember my oldest uncle. Every family reunion from the time that he was about 75 he would say "This is probably my very last reunion so we need to this (or that or some other thing) my way." He ended up passing away at age 98 and his siblings rarely got to do things "their" way at reunions as it was always his "very last reunion".
I have had many relatives live to their late 90 and even early 100s. Imagine if this continues for the OP and her sisters and sister-in-laws. They could be 81 and still be bossed around Mom and expected to do all of the work while Mom gets all of the credit.
This, 1000x this.
The "she'll be dead soon, and you'll regret it" argument/guilt trip can be looked at from a couple angles, including this one. I'd be pretty disappointed if I was hitting 60 before the traditions turned over somewhat.
I'm a little torn between "mom is old, let her have her way" and "she's not doing any of the work, so why does she get to dictate how it is done." What is pushing me toward the later is that all of this is apparently done more for show than to actually visit with relatives, and she show isn't even hers anymore. If you all are doing all the work, you should get to say how it's done. With that many people, I don't see why everyone can't chip in. You set up, clean up, or bring a side dish. This is assuming you continue with this number of people. I think it's too big. People can't possibly all talk to everyone there.
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