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So she enjoys the accolades but you get stuck with the work. You are making the mistake of giving her all the power yet expecting her to change. You need to "tell" her, not "convince" her. As a group, just tell her you don't enjoy it and will not do it again, and then stick to it. (Just because she's 81 doesn't give her the right to bully you into something you don't enjoy.)
There are many possible alternatives, from discontinuing the dinners altogether to getting them catered or asking the various attendees to help.
It sounds like a family reunion. Is there any chance you can change the date of this family get together? Summer would definitely be easier to do finger foods with minimum clean up. Then Mom can have a smaller Thanksgiving dinner.
Part B of the experiment would be asking each person:
Do you think you help enough?
Do you think ____ helps enough?
Interesting to see what gets overestimated and underestimated...
Thanks for sharing. The one that jumps out at me is the one who asks why he should bring a bottle, if he doesn't drink. I wonder what the excuse would be, if he were told, "Great! We can have someone else cover that. What type of appetizer (or dessert) would you like to bring?"
Thanks for sharing. The one that jumps out at me is the one who asks why he should bring a bottle, if he doesn't drink. I wonder what the excuse would be, if he were told, "Great! We can have someone else cover that. What type of appetizer (or dessert) would you like to bring?"
Who knows, these are only little nuggets I overhear. In the absence of a rational adult discussion about hosting an event, my rule of thumb is help out with specific tasks and then enjoy myself. I won't hover around all evening helping.
Well, good luck OP! I guess we're all different. I'm 70 now and my mother has passed. But she didn't try and I wouldn't have let her "insist" that I do something beyond the age of about 18.
I would be really, really ticked if, at a once-a-year dinner with my cousins whom I dearly love and almost never get to see, I had to do 90% of the cooking and cleaning up and didn't even get to talk to my cousins and catch up.
Downsize the dinner to a home and invite only immediate family. Delegate the work. Last Thursday, we did cleanup throughout the day in the dishwasher. We left the last cleanup till after the visitors left, so we had social time. Then two of the guys did a lot of the work cleaning up. One of the guys and me did most of the cooking before.
You do not need to have big dinners for people who do not stick around and socialize. Keep the dinners in the family. Some of the food can be brought. Simplify the menu.
I agree that you don't ask your mom; the daughters tell her. She'll live, she really will.
With this new way of having Thanksgiving, start a new tradition!
You may need to suggest that it become something else entirely for your mom to be OK with letting go of the pride she has about the meal though, the way it’s ‘her thing’ and her recipes etc. You’ll need to find a way to frame it as a new (but no less impressive) way to celebrate.
Yep....people will always remember her for her cooking, no matter if she stops doing it before she dies or not!
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