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My 81 year old mother has been hosting big dinners for relatives and friends for over 60 years. She enjoys the planning, the cooking, and the hosting. This year, for Thanksgiving, we rented a big hall and hosted 57 people. Mom was in a flurry, e-mailing recipes and directions for the correct way to make gravy, how many potatoes to mash (per person), how many rolls to make...even though we are all accomplished cooks. She loves this stuff. The problem is, we (the daughters and daughters-in-law) do not get the same enjoyment from it that mom does. We shop for ingredients, prepare the turkey, gravy, rolls, and mashed potatoes, makes salads and desserts. Our relatives arrive, eat, talk to each other, and then leave. We (the daughters and daughters-in-law) are so busy with preparation and clean-up, we don't have time to talk to the relatives that we rarely see. We really want to scale down the dinners....and have each person/family bring finger food. We don't want to be stuck in the kitchen, preparing hot food and washing dishes. The problem is: Mom feels a lot of pride in her abilities as a cook. She compares herself to her friends, who often have dinner disasters. I don't think she wants to give that up. How do we convince mom to let us simplify these dinners?
We (the daughters and daughters-in-law) are so busy with preparation and clean-up, we don't have time to talk to the relatives that we rarely see. We really want to scale down the dinners....and have each person/family bring finger food. We don't want to be stuck in the kitchen, preparing hot food and washing dishes.
What would happen if you all met with her and said this ^^?
We have said "preparing a big dinner is exhausting and we aren't able to talk to relatives. We want to do finger foods next time." She agrees that it's a little much, but she doesn't agree to making a change. Maybe too much pride is involved. Maybe it's tradition and you can't change tradition.
OMGoodness I didn't realize this goes on and I'm 79...enjoyed a restaurant dinner with 2 girlfriends the other day. Just say you don't want to go to these extremes anymore.
It doesn't sound like she is going to change anything anytime soon.
So ... think about what changes you could make to free you all up to socialize. What could be done in advance, and can some of the grandkids or - heaven forbid - the husbands come in for clean up?
Who hosts this, and who are the 57 people who attend? Are they ALL family?
It doesn't sound like she is going to change anything anytime soon.
So ... think about what changes you could make to free you all up to socialize.
Who hosts this, and who are the 57 people who attend? Are they ALL family?
Finally, is this a hill you are willing to die on?
At 81 she will not change, but you can. My suggestion is to divide the work into manageable chunks. Include the sons and son-in-laws and older grandchildren. Heck at our holiday dinners the grandchildren start to help by age 4 or 5, by setting the table, helping clear dishes, taking dessert orders, etc. etc. If grandma is 81 I bet that there are teenage or adult grandchildren that can take over major responsibilities.
Or make changes such as each additional family brings a dessert or side dish, or that some people handle prep, others handle serving and a different group handles clean-up.
Divide up the work so that everyone will have some time to talk to the relatives.
So she enjoys the accolades but you get stuck with the work. You are making the mistake of giving her all the power yet expecting her to change. You need to "tell" her, not "convince" her. As a group, just tell her you don't enjoy it and will not do it again, and then stick to it. (Just because she's 81 doesn't give her the right to bully you into something you don't enjoy.)
There are many possible alternatives, from discontinuing the dinners altogether to getting them catered or asking the various attendees to help.
So she enjoys the accolades but you get stuck with the work. You are making the mistake of giving her all the power yet expecting her to change. You need to "tell" her, not "convince" her. As a group, just tell her you don't enjoy it and will not do it again, and then stick to it. (Just because she's 81 doesn't give her the right to bully you into something you don't enjoy.)
We (the daughters and daughters-in-law) are so busy with preparation and clean-up, we don't have time to talk to the relatives that we rarely see...
From the title of your post, I thought your mother was doing this work. But I see it's been shuffled off onto "the girls."
Are there no men in your extended family? Why aren't they doing some of the work?
Why are you (adult) women continuing to allow this to happen? Put your foot(s) down and refuse. Pot luck next year, or croak.
Is your mother cooking with you or just directing the preparation for the whole dinner? What would happen if all of the cooks said no, we are not doing that this year and you went on strike?
What if all the guests were given a task to do-some can decorate and some can clean up afterwards?
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- the husbands come in for clean up?
