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This is a longer version of the email my mother sent to me 13 years ago when I told her we were moving far away. I called her bluff on the threat to cut herself out of my life and as a result, she has not been able to see either of her grandchildren grow up. The only time I’ve heard from her in all these years has been the time she berated me for not being over it yet.
At a certain point you have to assess whether there is any benefit to you of keeping this woman in your life when she is so disapproving of all of your choices. She’s not going to change. Ever. And not because you’re not enough, but because she has a mental illness that she has no plans to get help for. Ever. Think about it - if you did everything she asked of you, would she finally be happy for you? Or would she find something new to criticize?
Sorry for all you're going through. Just let it go. Mom is self centered and there's nothing you can do about it. You need to what is best for you and your husband. And right now it's assisting his mom and grandmother. I totally get why. Especially since he's an only child and you're not. Besides, you're only going 30 minutes away!! It'll be ok. Just hang in there. Sending you hugs.
From the OP’s other messages, it doesn’t seem like that is the case since it appears that the OP’s mom is actually more computer literate and articulate in email than her siblings. That might also be why the mom is so focus on having the OP handle her affairs. I am not sure that she is necessarily a narcissist as people throw that diagnosis around so liberally on this board, but if she is going through something right now like menopause or some illness (that might not be otherwise apparent to the OP), it might be the reason why she is acting this way now. She might not actually trust any of the other kids to handle her affairs. That said, if one is still in college, it seems to be way too early to be focusing on these issues.
I highly doubt it’s menopause unless OP is in her 20s or 30s. But my impression is that the parents are older. In any case, women going through menopause do not suddenly become anti-semetic and cut their children off. False beliefs like women lose all mental capabilities and self-control due to hormones are the things that hold women back in the workforce and life.
I don't believe this has anything to do with illness or mental fitness. It sounds like classic narcissist behavior, and the OP was clued in to this behavior before.
She just doesn't/didn't want to believe that this was how her parents actually operate.
It took me to 40 to realize my mother was a narcissist or something far more complicated. I had been consistently brainwashed to believe that she was the arbiter of what was sane and functional, when she was indeed anything but that. It all came on in one big stomach-churning revelation while she was ranting at me one day.
Yeah, there were clues, but she was pretty thorough in conditioning me to ignore them.
This is a longer version of the email my mother sent to me 13 years ago when I told her we were moving far away. I called her bluff on the threat to cut herself out of my life and as a result, she has not been able to see either of her grandchildren grow up. The only time I’ve heard from her in all these years has been the time she berated me for not being over it yet.
At a certain point you have to assess whether there is any benefit to you of keeping this woman in your life when she is so disapproving of all of your choices. She’s not going to change. Ever. And not because you’re not enough, but because she has a mental illness that she has no plans to get help for. Ever. Think about it - if you did everything she asked of you, would she finally be happy for you? Or would she find something new to criticize?
Good for you!
When she berated you for not getting over it, did you put her in her place?
What on earth kind of legal maneuver could she possibly do?
We're not talking about logic here. If she can find a lawyer who will not laugh in her face, she could sue for whatever she feels like.
Highly unlikely that she ever would, as this is about control, not the actual stuff. But as long as Music has that email, any attempted legal maneuver will instantly fail.
Wow, it seems I cannot call you that anymore. It pains me to hear of your willful estrangement against your own daughter. Since nothing was done against you to cause this, it was out of my control.
I have no choice but to leave you with your decision. You are a grown woman.
What you've done is something I'd could never fathom doing to my own child. I couldn't bear it. My love isn't conditional. As a family unit, we clearly can not not tolerate any further letters as this heinous act must never repeat itself. I am sure you understand as it would break your heart if the shoe was on the other foot. My prayer is you receive the love you so clearly do not have to give right now. I'll will fully honor your decision.
Sara
Last edited by AliceTheHousekeeper; 04-23-2019 at 07:53 AM..
I would not argue, beg or plead with her, because I don't abide by such drama, and I always believe that people actually mean what they say. Good, bad or ugly, they said it, they own it.
I would however acknowledge that I have received her notice maybe with a response such as this.
Dear Mother,
Out of respect for you,and the rest of my family, and for your plans for your future without me, I will faithfully abide by the laws you have laid down regarding me.
I am sorry you feel so much anger towards me and for that reason, I promise not to interfere in your lives with any contact in the future lest I feed your anger.
Just know that I will always love you anyway for adopting me as your own all those years ago.
This is PERFECT!!! I like this much better than mine.
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