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O.P. Sadly this kind of wickedness doesn't blow over. This is of a Sociopath. Please do not bring your loved ones around your parents, at least not your Mother. Ever. Don't fall for apologies. Accept them lovingly but do not become enmeshed with them ever again. Keep your family away.
I am proud of you. You have a long road ahead BUT she wins every time you are upset. You have to make it a goal to move on with life without them, though it will be traumatic. She wins if you show any emotion where she is controlling your emotions. That is what sociopaths are all about. Never let her see you cry or any emotion, they feed off of it
Good for you musicfamily ��. I am sure there will be more drama but if you keep strong and detached you can avoid being dragged into it. Stay out of the circus and keep those flying monkeys out of your hair . She may try to use your sibs to talk to you, plead her case but you don’t have to play into their drama. Keep strong and all the best.
I wouldn't respond to her. But if you feel a need to respond, keep it to the point and set up a groundwork for future interactions. It is only going to get so much worse when you have children if you do not nip it in the bud now.
Dear Mother,
I read your letter with shock and dismay. Your cruel statements and utterly ridiculous demands have forced me to rethink our relationship. I will not leave my husband, nor will I live my life in accordance with your plans for me. Going forward, I will only consider a relationship with you that involves respect for me and my life choices. If that is something that you cannot do, then I agree that we may need to sever our ties.
I wouldn't respond to her. But if you feel a need to respond, keep it to the point and set up a groundwork for future interactions. It is only going to get so much worse when you have children if you do not nip it in the bud now.
Dear Mother,
I read your letter with shock and dismay. Your cruel statements and utterly ridiculous demands have forced me to rethink our relationship. I will not leave my husband, nor will I live my life in accordance with your plans for me. Going forward, I will only consider a relationship with you that involves respect for me and my life choices. If that is something that you cannot do, then I agree that we may need to sever our ties.
WOW!! That is a rough email from your mom. If the siblings, mom nor dad are replying to you since the email, you tried. Move on, yes I know it hurts and I know it's hard to do but your mom's email is really mean. You are Cinderella but you have to give up your prince for your parents. Never heard of a parent requesting a daughter or son to give up their mate (unless abuse involved.)
I am sorry this happened to you. There is several good email responses others have offered. I would not give up my husband and future children. Pray for your family and put it behind you. I am sure down the road if you do not reply you will hear further from some of the family members. I hope not trying to stir the pot and put you on guilt trips. Please don't apologize to your mom. She owes you the apology.
By the way we have adult children a mixture of adopted and biological and they are all our children. Blood don't matter it's all about love. Nor do we expect any of them to take care of us.
Mom and dad are as American and "modern" as you can get. I guess my family is more of a "matriarchal" line, as my parents home was originally my grandmothers (we actually lived with my grandmother my whole childhood) and women tend to have the final say in all things. But as far as I can tell it was never an official tradition or stuck out to me as what was expected.
I'm the 3rd youngest and not only do my parents have 4 other older children; I'm adopted and even though I've been with my family since birth, I was always assuming their biological children would be preferred over me or my other younger siblings who are also adopted. I have 3 older brothers and 1 older sister...all actual bio children and much more established in my parents lives then I've been.
The kicker for me was that all this seemed to be planned and and agreed upon by my siblings without me being included at all! And I'm fine with helping out, but they have 6 other children....all who despite their issues have jobs and seem to spend way more time and attention on my parents.
I'm just as lost as you probably. Even if we took the logical traditional paths on who "should" take over and care for my parents, it seems weird they would jump to me especially when I never said I would and they never even asked.
As I was reading your OP, I thought, "Wow -- this sounds just like so many of the stories I hear from adult adoptees." Then BINGO -- you added that information. I am so, SO sorry that your mother is this way. There are many adoptive parents who are narcissists. Your mother has become enraged because you feel insufficiently grateful to her. This is a toxic relationship and you must end it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek
Having five adopted family members myself, who are as dear to me and in some cases dearer to me than some of my bio relatives, it appears to me that adoption may play a big role in this, as does the large number of kids in the family (both bio and adopted).
I am surprised your mother qualified for adoption, assuming a creditable agency was involved. It sounds to me as if she views you as a sort of Cinderella, someone who is expected to do the dirty work yet be humble and grateful at the same time - and remain a stepchild, not a "real" daughter.
Seven is a big number of kids, but not in some adoptive families I've met. Reasons for adopting additional children, after having a fair number of bio. kids are usually upfront and positive - but can also include reasons of ego, the urge to "rescue", and the need for recognition for being the "rescuer". Does your mother fit any of those descriptions? It sounds like she's wanting to keep all seven of you in thrall to her in reversed caregiving roles - with you as chief caregiver, as the eldest of the adopted kids. Are any of your siblings out on their own, living normal adult lives not at the beck and call of your mother?
Yep -- the rescue mentality. Hence the outrage at the lack of gratefulness. As an adoptive parent, I am horrified by the number of horrific adoptive parents I hear about. I am monumentally sad about it.
You need to move on. You would not want to expose any children you have to these people. It will be tough, but you must do it for your own sanity and for the good of your future children. I do hope that you have a good relationship with your husband and in-laws, and you can rebuild a healthy family relationship with people who you choose as your family.
Crazy people are always going to crazy. We have been experiencing something similar (although not as extreme) with my in-laws. We lived in the Northeast and they lived in the Northeast. We had to move, still in the Northeast, due to my husband's job. In-laws decided to move to Florida, and now are pissed that we don't visit them enough.
Re: the Jewish piece -- I am beyond puzzled (although I didn't read every reply so maybe it was addressed) by why your family would think that Jewish people would not celebrate any secular holidays. Even Christian holidays might be celebrated -- most of my Jewish family and friends have attended Christmas parties, Christmas dinners, and such. Non-Jews -- i.e. Christians and Hindus have attended Seders we have had. Secular holidays like July 4 and Thanksgiving have never had religion discussed in any manner whatsoever. I have always celebrated Christmas (half Jewish, but now pretty much atheist), so our in-laws always used to come over to our house on Christmas (everybody is off, and most places are closed) and had dinner - it was like a second Thanksgiving. Now, though, Jewish in-laws who always insisted that they hated Christmas, can't understand why we wouldn't go to Florida and celebrate Christmas with them (despite the fact that they don't celebrate it, and hate it).
Good for you!
When she berated you for not getting over it, did you put her in her place?
I told her that if she thought that was an appropriate way to follow up on what had previously been said, then there was really no point in her trying to contact me again. So she didn’t.
No, my family is extremely close knit and so far it seems that they're all either joining my parents or trying to stick out of this because it's just so bizarre they don't want to get involved (in which case I have to agree, I would prefer this stays between my parents and me).
Clearly its not "out of nowhere", they did express disappointment over us relocating (only 30 minutes away) and moving in his mother/grandmother. But they never told us why and we had though we had overcome that issue because we had made up and things were back to normal relationship wise. We go to their house for dinner every week and I visit my mother at least once a week with no indication they hated his mother, my career, or that I would be expected to take on responsibilities.
I just don't know....it's like a completely different person wrote the letter because I've never heard my mother or anyone in my family complain or express anything like this to anyone. Maybe I missed something my whole life, I've been around enough people with dysfunctional families to know many don't realize it until they step outside. But even my husband and close friends never saw this coming as it just seems out of character and extreme with no precedent I can think of.
is it possible that your mother did not write that email? perhaps another sibling who doesn't want you to go away logged on as your "mother'?
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it's all about love. Nor do we expect any of them to take care of us.
