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i was sitting at a bar last nite watching the 10 oclock news .. a pretty little blonde sat next to me .. on the news was a story of a man on top of a tall building threatening to jump .. i said to the blonde .." i bet you 20 bucks he jumps " .. she said ok .. il` take that bet ,,he wont jump .. in a second he did a swan dive to his death ,, she handed me the 20 bucks .. i said look lady ..i cant take your money .. i just saw this on the 6 oclock news earlier .. she said so did she but she did`nt think he would jump again !!!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut
shopping with the girlfriend at Wal-Mart this weekend .
i pick up a case of Budweiser and put it in our cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' she says !
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' i say.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' she demands , and so we carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart
'What do you think you're doing?' i ask !
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' she says with a smile .
: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ...and at half the price." says i !!!!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,445 posts, read 25,978,821 times
Reputation: 59788
Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired,
arrive on scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her
freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
“What's happened?" asked the sarge.
“It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?" again asked the sarge.
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?" asked the sarge.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,445 posts, read 25,978,821 times
Reputation: 59788
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped
in at Hooter's to see some friends and have
some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends
asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck
in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.
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