Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (how many, difference, people)

[High_Plains_Retired]

Originally Posted by PAhippo

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year. Not to see the new year in but to make sure the old one leaves.

For sure but it doesn't seem to be over yet. 2020 is like a dead skunk in the middle of the road in July.

[Mike from back east]

Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat ... and taking along a jar of tartar sauce.

[TexasRoadkill]

Lets start a Dad Joke thread. I'll start it off....

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
My doctor said I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

[VTsnowbird]

I swallowed some Scrabble tiles today. My next bowel movement could spell trouble.

[Stripes17]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

[PAhippo]

don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.

[VTsnowbird]

I used to play triangle in a Jamaican steel drum band. I had to quit - it was just one ting after another.

[kygman]

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. Said he can stop any time.

[kygman]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

[Michael Way]

A man accidentally passed his wife a glue stick instead of lip balm. She still isn't talking to him.