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Question re CPS... IIRC the kids in this family are adopted. Would CPS be more involved in that case? Or once the adoption is official, might they as well be bio kids in the eyes of CPS?
Isn't this OP the same one that was having issues with her son and his lunch account as well as all other sorts of things? After taking my kids this morning I paid close attention to what the other kids were wearing and most were wearing hoodies, some even had sandals with socks on and it was 9 degrees here this morning. I think a part of the OP's story is missing.
Isn't this OP the same one that was having issues with her son and his lunch account as well as all other sorts of things? After taking my kids this morning I paid close attention to what the other kids were wearing and most were wearing hoodies, some even had sandals with socks on and it was 9 degrees here this morning. I think a part of the OP's story is missing.
Yes indeed. Christmas ornaments, overdrawn lunch accounts and.... I think.... a buttered floor.
Sorry, not sure what IIRC means. I do not know if the OP's children are adopted. I would guess and say no. When children are adopted there is an extensive research period in the beginning before a child is placed. There is additional follow up visits but not sure how many. That is what makes adoption a very lengthly and emotional process. These time periods are generally cut in half (or none at all) when adopting children outside of the U.S. that is why a lot of people go that route. A old friend of mine adopted a baby from Japan many years ago (the child is now in her late twenties) and this friend said it was like buying a child. The "adoption fees" were tens of thousands of dollars. She had very little investigation period.
IMO, I think the OP does love her children. If she didn't then she wouldn't start threads about them, they would be insignificant her in eyes. But I do feel there is a lot of anger going on that is manifesting in how the children and the OP relate to each other. The son feels power by calling CPS. The mother becomes hostile towards him and the case workers that show up. She tends to feel like a victim which produces even more anger. Then takes on the martyr role by saying, "see all the good things I do for my children but they treat me badly." I think she is looking for some validation and hoping someone will agree that she sacrifices and gets little in return but instead, she is greeted with more hostility. It is a vicious circle. Now I am only judging what is being stated on these threads (obviously I do not know the OP personally) but I think that is why CPS keeps investigating. They see a lot of dysfunction and anger. They are keeping an eye on things to make sure it does not progress to something more volatile.
In my experience one of the hardest parts of being parent is you also have to look at yourself. Sometimes it is not pretty and highly uncomfortable. It is much easier to say my kids are doing stuff wrong, how to do I change them. But in reality, the parent has to under go changes themselves. Looking at how one communicates, sets goals, limits and how respect is given and shown. Until the parent becomes open to all facets of the family dynamics, the dysfunction and hurt will continue thus breaking down the relationships completely until there is nothing left.
You know, maybe....just maybe something else is going on, however, there ARE kids like the OP's out there. It sounds to me like he is a headstrong little sh*t, who knows he has very little control in most aspects of his life.....he's taking control where he can. My son isn't the only one I know of who pulled some of the same things the OP's child is pulling. It would be nice to be able to blame the move, but it appears he has been "being rebellious" for a while now.....rules are made for others, not for him...he's gonna make his OWN rules and is blind to how his choices affect others.
OP, you need to learn to pick your battles though. The refusal to wear the coat? Oh well! I know very few teens who DO wear coats. Refusing to wear long pants? Yep, see tons of them too! The lunch account would tick me off and if he's lying, well...eventually that will come out in the wash. Like some of the other posters have said, I'd keep brown bag foods on hand and yes, limit his lunch funds. If he refuses to eat breakfast at home, maybe his ISN'T hungry at home! I'd quit buying the breakfast stuff at home and budget for putting extra money on his meal account to allow for breakfasts. Has CPS talked to your daughter? Quite often, talking to the other kids does open a social worker's eyes. Unfortunately, you've moved to a new area and your son's teachers and administration don't know him or your family. I wish you luck, but remember, with some of these teens, the harder you pull on them, the harder they pull back! Have you considered a "youth at risk" program? I almost wish I would have done this for my oldest son, but honestly....he was so stubborn and manipulative (bless his rebellious heart LOL), it may not have made a difference.
I cried...and bawled, day after day, wondering where I had failed with my boy, wondered if I should pack my bags and leave, before my other kids turned out like him. I searched my heart and blamed myself constantly. I thought I was doing all the RIGHT things. As I said, he is an adult now and has, so many times, apologized for making our lives a living hell when he was a teen. He is an amazingly wonderful, good-hearted man whom I adore. His pain is my pain. It was plain old teenage rebellion. I love him unconditionally.....sometimes you just have to hang in there and keep loving them, and know, deep down in your heart, that if you don't push them away with your unforgiveness and resentment, they will come around.
It's highly likely that the things he's doing right now, will supply him with knowledge and experience to help other teens later on in life. I have 2 younger sons and there have been times when they have had "obstinate" moments. That grown up ex rebel is the one who will sit them down and share his mistakes with them.....asking them to please.....PLEASE, jump through the hoops and do NOT make the same stupid mistakes he made. He has gotten on to his brothers about mistaking their parents' love for their need to make their lives miserable. Be patient with him OP and remember, this doesn't last forever. If you're truly treating him "right", you have absolutely nothing to be worried about......just keep loving him and letting him know that you DO love him! Never, ever forget to do that. Do not call him names. Do not tell him he's rotten or horrible or that you regret he was ever born....I've seen that and the damage that does to a teen can only make the problem much, much worse! If you don't love him, think he's rotten, etc., well...it justifies his behavior, doesn't it?
I hope you tell him what you SHOULD be telling him when he acts out. I am so concerned for you. I'm worried about you. I only want good things to happen for you. I am afraid for you, because of your behavior.....because I love you SO much! Do not push him further away. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen parents do that. My NOT doing that to my son is what makes our relationship so beautiful now. We adore each other, because I was able to see that his actions weren't "personal", but rather a young, inexperienced human being who was desperately trying to be in control of his own life. Poor choices yes......but hey, if we're honest with ourselves, we've all made them!
I hope this OP lady gets some family therapy for herself and her kids. Everyone needs help now and then and it's actually a positive thing to ask for help - it means you're aware enough to realize you need it. Some parents I think feel like they might be seen as a failure of some kind if they have to turn to someone for help, but the way I see it... if you don't find help when you need it and instead allow your children to suffer, that is failing as a parent.
As far as coats, though - my kids hate wearing them, too. The closest I can get them to do is a hoodie sweater worn underneath a sturdy fleece jacket, like one of those North Face fleece jackets.
underneath
They do like the sherpa-lined hoodies, and they also like the warm fleece hoodies, so that's good. Those are warmer than the all cotton ones. They also wear a long-sleeve t-shirt underneath the hoodie. Layering is a good thing.
They refuse to wear hats and gloves, too... so they pull the hood up over their heads and stuff their hands in their pockets. They will wear scarves (go figure!) so they sometimes wrap a scarf around their neck and hooded face if it's really blustery and cold.
So far, no one in my house has been very ill or caught pneumonia or gotten frostbite or anything, and we've braved some pretty low temps/ice/snow...
When it's really cold and icy, I sometimes successfully try to get them to wear long johns or under armor underneath their jeans to keep their legs warmer. They don't always choose to do this, though, when I suggest it. The hoodie/jacket/scarf thing works OK... but their legs still get cold with just jeans on. I used to buy them lined jeans... but now that they are 11 and 15 they choose their own jeans and they don't buy the lined ones....
So we're going to Hawaii in a month and now I'm facing a situation where my kids want to wear their hoodie sweaters and jeans everywhere and don't want to wear shorts. For some reason they think shorts are geeky. So now I'm worried they will overheat!
Oh my goodness.
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