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A carpool should be give and take. It should benefit both parties involved. I would tell her that you'd like to split up the driving schedule and see what days she's available to do it. If she's bothered by your request then she is really clueless and not worth your time and the decision to no longer drive her kid will be an easy one.
The being late would have stopped it for me right there. Let the mom know that things have changed and you need to be to work at a certain time if Boby Joe is not ready at 7:00 then she will need to take him into school. (horrible thought-honk the horn at 7:00 in the driveway and if the child does not come out by 7:05 leave-Mrs. Jones will figure it out-if you were a school bus driver you cannot wait for every student). This would have made me upset right away, you can be neighborly and have the kids play together still but you do not have to be taken advantage of.
I transport......but I do it as part of my business so that they always pay, no matter who they are. I charge $5 per day - even for the kid who walks across the street and rides with us to the same exact school my child goes to. They are paying me for peace of mind that their child arrives to school safely and on time. (this is something you are providing for her without even realizing it-you have taken on HER responsibility)
So you can either being a transportation business with fees and ask her if anyone else needs it...or you can opt out due to it being too much for you at this time. I agree it's not about money, it's more about you giving and not receiving. I'd simply tell her that making the extra stop has just gotten to be too much for you at this time and after the holidays you need to eliminate that part of the trip. If she pushes for an explanation perhaps tell her that it is too hard to explain, but that it is just too overwhelming to get it all done and you are feeling stressed and need to relieve that stress. (which is true, it's just a different kind of stress that she will think)
Thank you all for your thoughts and responses. Here are a few points for clarification:
Yes, I have been the guilty party as I "have created the monster". She has definitely gotten used to me doing this for her.
The kids attend 3 different schools within a one mile radius. I work in that same radius. Her job is within a 5-7 mile radius of the schools, although she travels to different job sites within that area.
Yes, I do feel underappreciated, and would love some validation.
I did not expect her to offer to pay for gas in the past because of her SAHM situation, but now that she is working she is probably making more than I make, and can afford to help with gas.
Also, I find it really off-putting when I pull up to pick her kid up before 7 am, and she is still in her pj's enjoying her coffee or sleeping in. Mind you, I don't have to be at work until 9:00, but yet I still have done the early drive for 4 years so that the kids wouldn't be late for school.
Yes, maybe I have the "martyr" syndrome or maybe I'm just a sucker, but I'm fed up with it now!
I can think of one occasion which she helped me with the kids on a day I had to work, but the kids had the day off from school.
Her husband works from home and ocassionally travels. He could also drive, but I haven't seen much initiative on either part.
Just venting......
-extra stop
-three different stops
-she's not far away from her son's school
-just wants to sleep in
-doesn't go out of the way for you otherwise......................
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
I would also be peeved and feeling very used. I have carpooled - no money has ever been exchanged - but we took different days . . . and I have picked up other kids in an emergency situation - even picked them up from school and kept them at my home when mom was tied up or sick, etc.
Yes, it is a little late. But this is one time when it is better late than never.
Since it is not a matter of gas, I would not even go there with a discussion.
I would just simply call up the mom, tell her - "Just needed to let you know - starting Monday, I won't be picking little xx up any more. Wanted to give you some notice."
When she says . . . "Really? Are you not working?" or whatever . . . you don't owe her any explanations at all. All you need to say is "Just need to make some changes. Glad I could help out for these past years but gonna have to make a change in routine."
If she continues to ask . . . just say "Hope you guys have a great weekend - sorry - can't really talk right now" and end of that.
Anyone who has sat back and taken advantage of the situation - without ever offering to pitch in and help with arrangements, take care of your kids in the evenings, give you a gift card to say THANKS - let's face it . . . these are not your friends. You can stay friendly and pleasant with them without bending over backwards to be their chauffeur. Being a chauffeur is not a prerequisite to being a good neighbor. That goes two ways, also, lol. How great a neighbor have they been to YOU?
^^^THIS^^^^
Since you enjoy the time with your children anyway, you will also get the benefit of that private family time.
I feel you are being taken advantage of as well. In a carpool - we take turns OR I have paid an older teen-ager to transport my son to/from various practices. I have never sat back and let someone else do EVERYTHING.
I would give her a call as well - perhaps your boss wants you to start a little earlier in the morning and you will no longer have time for all those stops. OR, perhaps your boss wants you there early on Mon-Wed-Fri and those days you will no longer be able to make the extra stops.
Or you can just face it head-on; you don't mind driving her kid whilst she sleeps in; but you will be expecting some gas money.
I would not care if she got mad or not. What a taker!
If you both work within the same radius, then ask her to take a few days. I think it would be awkward at this point to ask for money. Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "Hey Jane, since your job is basically as close as mine now, how about driving carpool every other week?"
Did this mom ask you to start driving her child to school or is this something you volunteered to do? I'm confused as to how you got roped into this arrangement in the first place. Could she not afford the gas to drive her own child to school? Was she unwilling to drive on an equal number of days? Was she pushy about you giving her kid a ride? Has gas money ever been mentioned?
Or did the kids simply enjoy riding to school together and since you were going that way anyway..
After 4 years of this, I'm not clear on why this woman's current employment status is even an issue. I don't think you should ask for gas money but, at the same time, you should not feel obligated to continue driving the other child. Just let her know that your schedule has suddenly gotten super tight and you don't have time to carpool anymore..
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-02-2011 at 02:33 PM..
Did this mom ask you to start driving her child to school or is this something you volunteered to do? I'm confused as to how you got roped into this arrangement in the first place. Could she not afford the gas to drive her own child to school? Was she unwilling to drive on an equal number of days? Was she pushy about you giving her kid a ride? Has gas money ever been mentioned?
Or did the kids simply enjoy riding to school together and since you were going that way anyway..
After 4 years of this, I'm not clear on why this woman's current employment status is even an issue.
Not to speak for the OP, but I think it is an issue because when the other mom wasn't working the OP felt good that she was helping out a family with just one income. Now that the family is making more money and COULD afford to do more, they are not even offering so our OP feels a bit used.
Thank you all for your thoughts and responses. Here are a few points for clarification:
Yes, I have been the guilty party as I "have created the monster". She has definitely gotten used to me doing this for her. The kids attend 3 different schools within a one mile radius. I work in that same radius. Her job is within a 5-7 mile radius of the schools, although she travels to different job sites within that area.
Yes, I do feel underappreciated, and would love some validation.
I did not expect her to offer to pay for gas in the past because of her SAHM situation, but now that she is working she is probably making more than I make, and can afford to help with gas.
Also, I find it really off-putting when I pull up to pick her kid up before 7 am, and she is still in her pj's enjoying her coffee or sleeping in. Mind you, I don't have to be at work until 9:00, but yet I still have done the early drive for 4 years so that the kids wouldn't be late for school.
Yes, maybe I have the "martyr" syndrome or maybe I'm just a sucker, but I'm fed up with it now!
I can think of one occasion which she helped me with the kids on a day I had to work, but the kids had the day off from school.
Her husband works from home and ocassionally travels. He could also drive, but I haven't seen much initiative on either part.
Just venting......
OK, I say it is high time to renegotiate the carpooling arrangement for the reasons I bolded. Now that she works in the general vicinity of the schools, I think you should suggest that either she do drop off at 1 or 2 of the schools, and you'll do the other(s), or she should take all the kids on certain days, and you should take all the kids on certain days. Whatever you do, you should work it out so you don't have to leave the house 2 hours early EVERY day. I think if you say something like "since circumstances have changed, I was thinking we should talk about carpooling and other ways it could be done."
Not to speak for the OP, but I think it is an issue because when the other mom wasn't working the OP felt good that she was helping out a family with just one income. Now that the family is making more money and COULD afford to do more, they are not even offering so our OP feels a bit used.
That may have been a bit presumptuous on the OP's part. Lots of SAHPs are home by choice, not because they can't find a steady job. Maybe the woman has gone back to work because the family has had some recent financial setbacks and money is suddenly very tight.
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