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In rereading her posts, I think the OP's irritation has less to do with the neighbor boy running late on occasion and more to do with the fact that this former SAHM is working now at a corporate job - and probably earning more $ than the OP does.
It appears that the OP would now appreciate some monetary "appreciation" for driving this family's child to/from school. In other words, she would like to see her volunteer position converted into a paid position and she is trying to find an unawkward way to make that happen.
Guess I need to go back and re-read, b/c I thought OP had stated the money was not the issue at all. I could just picture myself sitting there waiting on someone else's kid and the parents coming to the door in robes to wave him off - while I was running late to work. Did I just dream that up?
In any case, the OP can end all this easily enough.
This is a reminder that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
I agree with the suggestion that you need to say 'sorry, I will no longer be able to pick up xx.'
You don't owe them any explanation.
The free ride is over.
If they ask why - tell them.
They know they are taking advantage.
This is so backwards compared to the way things are in my region. Where I live, the SAHMs usually do more driving because they have the time available.
I have been driving a neighbor's kid to school every morning for the past 4 years. It is a 30 minute drive (one way). The kid would ocassionally be late and not be ready on time, which would cause me to have to face more traffic and possibly be late for work. In spite of this, up until now, I haven't minded so much because the kid's mom was a SAHM and I was driving in to work & dropping my own kids off in that area anyway.I felt like I was helping reduce pollution. The other kid's mom would ocassionally drive my kids in once a week on my day off. Never did they offer to pay for gas, and I never asked.
The situation has changed since the former SAHM has taken a full-time corportate job. Here's what erks me the most: she not once has offered to help drive or to pay for gas since starting her new job. I feel like I am ready to end the situation. It feels like I have been taken advantage of for 4 years, and I have had enough. The tricky part is that the kid ocassionaly plays with my kids and I don't want to cause hurt feelings, etc.
Is there any advice on how I can break the carpool without causing a rift in our "neighborly" friendship????
Finster said everything that I was thinking. The OP did not mind in the least driving the kid to school. She was being environmentally conscious, the neighbor wasn't working, she was going that way anyway....
She became "erked" once the SAHM (who the OP presumably thought was in need) got a corporate job. Not a job at Wal-mart, a corporate job. The implication there is that the neighbor is making big bucks now. That may be the case and although her situation has changed, the OP's situation has not: she's still going that way every day anyway. How long has the neighbor been working? If this was an issue, it should have been addressed with the neighbor as soon she began working. If it's been a few months now, then feeling slighted and annoyed is something the OP allowed to happen.
I think the OP is 100% wrong for feeling taken advantage of for four years. That's just bogus. The OP did not mind this arrangement until the neighbor got a corporate job. Only then did the four years of voluntary driving "erk" her and now she wants validation for doing something that she volunteered to do.
Has the neighbor been unappreciative over the past four years? You would think so since the OP feels taken advantage of here. But then, if she was not appreciative, why did the arrangement continue for so long without discussion about it?
The neighbor is indeed an ass to not make the connection between her now leaving her house every morning and taking her own kids to school but maybe she is just clueless or since the OP hasn't said anything about altering the arrangements, she's just continuing with what's always been done. She's not a mindreader. It's very simple: if something is bothering you, you say something about it. Why stew on it and wallow saying "I feel soooooo unappreciated." That does nothing. Knocking on her door and saying "I won't be able to take John to school anymore in the morning" is addressing the situation.
I have been driving a neighbor's kid to school every morning for the past 4 years. It is a 30 minute drive (one way). The kid would ocassionally be late and not be ready on time, which would cause me to have to face more traffic and possibly be late for work. In spite of this, up until now, I haven't minded so much because the kid's mom was a SAHM and I was driving in to work & dropping my own kids off in that area anyway. I felt like I was helping reduce pollution. The other kid's mom would ocassionally drive my kids in once a week on my day off. Never did they offer to pay for gas, and I never asked.
The situation has changed since the former SAHM has taken a full-time corportate job. Here's what erks me the most: she not once has offered to help drive or to pay for gas since starting her new job. I feel like I am ready to end the situation. It feels like I have been taken advantage of for 4 years, and I have had enough. The tricky part is that the kid ocassionaly plays with my kids and I don't want to cause hurt feelings, etc.
Is there any advice on how I can break the carpool without causing a rift in our "neighborly" friendship????
Simple. You no longer find it convenient to offer the child a ride to school. The hurt feelings, if any would be unjust because you literally have put yourself out for 4 years. That is ridiculous. I would have thought that there should have been a mutual exchange of driving weekly. Staying home does not give you a free pass on your share of carpools etc. You have been, and have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. As, far as playing at your home, that shouldn't change, unless she is petty, which she may be. I personally cannot even imagine not sharing that burden for four yrs. You may need new friends anyway. My opinion, on your side
Thanks for your reply, pumpkin. However, I pretty much have to drive my own kids in because I work there. Additionally, I actually enjoy spending that time in the morning with my kids and having them "contained" in the car with me. Makes for a great opportunity to catch up on various topics.:-)
Then there is what you say.. the above.... And, while you tried to help when she wasn't working, now you'd like your unshared am time w/ your kids back.
And, I get you. It isn't about the kid riding, it is about the ungratefulness of the other parent. And, thus the feelings of being taken advantage of, w/out any compensation. So, decide which is most important. Obviously she does not get it, and obviously you need to at least express your feelings to get beyond them. Tough situation. But, I vote you tell her the above paragraph. And let the chips fall. imo
The OP doesn't really want to share the driving responsibilities with this other mother, never has. In her own words, she would pretty much have to drive her own child to school anyway.
If this SAHM had been helping her out in some way - watching the OP's kids on school holidays for instance, that would be one thing. But according to the OP the neighbor lady rarely reciprocated with any kind of childcare help. So it's not as though the OP is losing out on anything by this SAHM returning to the workforce. The OP wasn't getting anything in return from the get go.
But now, after 4 years of saying "It's no problem!", the OP suddenly wants to be compensated for her bus services. She wants to change the rules because this SAHM is now a corporate worker (who may or may not be) making big bucks. But I just don't think this family's finances and this neighbor lady's employment status should even be an issue here. And I think it would be a big mistake to approach her like that.
If this woman was heading off for work in the morning, leaving her son home alone and *expecting* the OP to be responsible for getting him to school - that would be a totally different story and I could understand the OP's irritation. I could also see having a talk with this neighbor and expressing those irritations. But that is not the case here. I would just put a friendly but polite end to the bus service and file this experience under "lessons learned."
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-04-2011 at 01:57 PM..
This is a perfect example of what happens when dealing with passive aggressive personalities who are afraid of even slight conflict. They just simmer slowly to a boil and then explode. In the OP's case, she simmered for four years and now she finally feels justified to explode. But her justification is baseless because a change in the neighbor's employment status is really irrelevant. The OP put herself in this mess by being passive. The only thing awkward about this is the OP. The neighbor was/is only doing what the OP allows. It's impossible to take advantage of people who don't allow it.
Basically I don't think its about the money, or that SAHM now has a job. It simply about not feeling appreciated. Now the OP isn't sure how to ditch this arrangement because she is already heading the same way as the school and it doesn't really cause any major issues to drive the SAHM's child to school. Its all about feeling unappreciated. This in turns makes slight mishaps turn into big annoyances. The kid running a little late sometimes, the SAHM waving from the door in her robe, etc.
The OP is simply just tired of being the driver all the time. She wants out of the arrangement and isn't sure how to do this without looking like the bad guy or posing a legitimate argument that she doesn't want to do it anymore. The fact is she doesn't have to point out any excuse, this other child is not her responsibility but when you are trying to stay neighborly sometimes people that are more passive end up getting used.
This is why I suggested earlier that the OP might want to give a dose of reality to this other woman. Pick a day once a week where you can't drive her child. Sometimes people need to lose something to regain their appreciation.
Last edited by fallingwater; 12-04-2011 at 03:07 PM..
Reason: spelling
Basically I don't think its about the money, or that SAHM now has a job. It simply about not feeling appreciated. Now the OP isn't sure how to ditch this arrangement because she is already heading the same way as the school and it doesn't really cause any major issues to drive the SAHM's child to school. Its all about feeling unappreciated. This in turns makes slight mishaps turn into big annoyances. The kid running a little late sometimes, the SAHM waving from the door in her robe, etc.
The OP is simply just tried of being the driver all the time. She wants out of the arrangement and isn't sure how to do this without looking like the bad guy or posing a legitimate argument that she doesn't want to do it anymore. The fact is she doesn't have to point out any excuse, this other child is not her responsibility but when you are trying to stay neighborly sometimes people that are more passive ended up getting used.
This is why I suggested earlier that the OP might want to give a dose of reality to this other woman. Pick a day once a week where you can't drive her child. Sometimes people need to lose something to regain their appreciation.
The less specific the better, IMO. Blame it on a tight schedule. If she is rude and presses for an explanation - blame it on work demands, working out before work, practicing math facts with your child, whatever. Maybe start leaving a little earlier in the morning - "Sorry! We need to be somewhere, can't wait!"
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