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Old 12-02-2011, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,082,030 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I like this. In fact I like it so much I'm going to write it down on a 3x5 card in great big block letters.

Then I'll flash it whenever I'm upset with anyone. Seriously. It's going to save me a ton of time and energy.

OP: This is SO brilliant. Easy peasy Jay Feely!
As Ani said, we aim to please

Seriously, I can't tell you how much easier my life became once I committed that one line statement to memory.

No more fumbling for excuses, explanations, apologies for things I didn't want to or couldn't do.

Life less stressful and less complicated
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:07 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I like this. In fact I like it so much I'm going to write it down on a 3x5 card in great big block letters.

Then I'll flash it whenever I'm upset with anyone. Seriously. It's going to save me a ton of time and energy.

OP: This is SO brilliant. Easy peasy Jay Feely!
It IS brilliant, isn't it?

I have spent a large chunk of my life feeling I had to justify everything and also feeling I needed to offer "reasons" for everything, even when the other person should have been offering ME an explanation.

Leave it to Loves to give us all a great solution.

Now if I can just learn to say "No."
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:25 PM
 
2,920 posts, read 2,909,037 times
Reputation: 3504
Miss Manners would agree with those who say that no explanation is needed other than, "I'm so sorry, but I won't be able to keep taking --- to school after next week (or Friday, or whatever). Giving a bit of notice would be courteous, and I agree that it would be the way to go about it. I wouldn't give any more information than that, even if you run into her every day.

It's really not her business why you can't do it anymore. You just can't. It was so nice that you were able to do it for so long. Things change and you just adapt to the new way. Before too long, it will just be a memory of the way things used to be.
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:41 PM
 
1,135 posts, read 1,984,310 times
Reputation: 1478
I'm going suggest doing something very difficult (at least it would be very difficult for me since I'm not an assertive person).

Call the woman and tell her you would like to discuss the carpool arrangement over coffee. Then, in a relaxed, non-confrontational manner, tell her exactly what you've told us. Say something like, "I've never minded taking Johnny to school. He's a great kid and his stop is on my way to work. But since we started this four years ago, gas prices have risen and you've gone back to work, making it easier for you to drive at least some of the time. I feel like you've been taking advantage of my kindness by not offering to take a turn driving or offering to compensate me for gasoline."

At that point the ball will be in her court. She can either offer to pay you for gas or drive her kid a few days a week. Chances are she's unaware of how ungrateful she's been. She will likely feel badly and offer to make things right with you.

If she gets angry or cuts off your friendship, she wasn't a true friend anyway so it won't be a great loss. Good luck.
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:44 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
I'm going suggest doing something very difficult (at least it would be very difficult for me since I'm not an assertive person).

Call the woman and tell her you would like to discuss the carpool arrangement over coffee. Then, in a relaxed, non-confrontational manner, tell her exactly what you've told us. Say something like, "I've never minded taking Johnny to school. He's a great kid and his stop is on my way to work. But since we started this four years ago, gas prices have risen and you've gone back to work, making it easier for you to drive at least some of the time. I feel like you've been taking advantage of my kindness by not offering to take a turn driving or offering to compensate me for gasoline."

At that point the ball will be in her court. She can either offer to pay you for gas or drive her kid a few days a week. Chances are she's unaware of how ungrateful she's been. She will likely feel badly and offer to make things right with you.

If she gets angry or cuts off your friendship, she wasn't a true friend anyway so it won't be a great loss. Good luck.
Maybe you didn't read all the posts well - but the OP is not interested in getting compensated for gas or taking turns w/ the carpooling. She is not interested in a negotiation and/or in "setting things straight."

The little boy has made her late for work. She simply wants her morning back where she is responsible for only her children - and where the other parents are responsible for theirs.
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:48 PM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,728,169 times
Reputation: 11008
Quote:
Originally Posted by flourpower View Post
I have been driving a neighbor's kid to school every morning for the past 4 years. It is a 30 minute drive (one way). The kid would ocassionally be late and not be ready on time, which would cause me to have to face more traffic and possibly be late for work. In spite of this, up until now, I haven't minded so much because the kid's mom was a SAHM and I was driving in to work & dropping my own kids off in that area anyway. I felt like I was helping reduce pollution. The other kid's mom would ocassionally drive my kids in once a week on my day off. Never did they offer to pay for gas, and I never asked.

The situation has changed since the former SAHM has taken a full-time corportate job. Here's what erks me the most: she not once has offered to help drive or to pay for gas since starting her new job. I feel like I am ready to end the situation. It feels like I have been taken advantage of for 4 years, and I have had enough. The tricky part is that the kid ocassionaly plays with my kids and I don't want to cause hurt feelings, etc.

Is there any advice on how I can break the carpool without causing a rift in our "neighborly" friendship????
Um, I'm going to stick my neck out here and dissent with the rest of the posters.

You didn't mind doing it, you felt like you were doing a nice thing and helping reduce pollution, and you likely got some kind of feel good pay off from it.

Now it irks you that because the woman's circumstances have changed, that she didn't mind read that you aren't happy with her suddenly? How's she supposed to know that? Why can't you just tell her and not be so cold about it? These kids are your kids' friends, I wouldn't risk that by being so curt as to just stop doing it without any explanation or reason.

You don't need to hurt her feelings, she likely has no idea that you're miffed, or that you were feeling taken advantage of, as you've never given her any inkling of it brfore and you could be polite enough to have an honest discussion with her about it.

If she gives you any reason to be PO'd at her after that, then that's justified.

ETA I just saw Lisa's post - that's what I'm thinking.

And, the kid was late occasionally, which is to be expected when you're dealing with kids.
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:57 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,646,355 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
The OP stated the money is not the issue.

She doesn't want to take the child to school anymore. The neighbors have allowed their child to be "late" thus making OP late for work.

Why would she ask for gas money when that is NOT what she wants to happen? What she wants to happen is for the neighbors to take their child to school so she is free to take her own kids and go to work without the risk of someone else's child making her late.
If that was truly the case, she'd stop picking the kids up. The mother assumed, without a daily arrangement, that the OP would pick the kids up in the morning. Well now, the OP can assume, without a daily arrangement, that the mother won't mind her kids still being there at the appointed time - and the minute after that appointed time - and will continue to be there, until the mother gets the kids in her own car, and drives them to school.

The OP isn't a bus driver, and isn't employed by the school system. She's under zero obligation to pick those kids up OR to give the mother notice that she won't be doing it anymore. Just like the other mother was under no obligation to offer rides or gas or even have her own kids be out and waiting on time..the OP doesn't have to show up at all.

There's no contract, implied or otherwise. Just stop doing it.
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:43 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 15,498,043 times
Reputation: 8514
Quote:
Originally Posted by flourpower View Post
I have been driving a neighbor's kid to school every morning for the past 4 years. It is a 30 minute drive (one way). The kid would ocassionally be late and not be ready on time, which would cause me to have to face more traffic and possibly be late for work. In spite of this, up until now, I haven't minded so much because the kid's mom was a SAHM and I was driving in to work & dropping my own kids off in that area anyway. I felt like I was helping reduce pollution. The other kid's mom would ocassionally drive my kids in once a week on my day off. Never did they offer to pay for gas, and I never asked.

The situation has changed since the former SAHM has taken a full-time corportate job. Here's what erks me the most: she not once has offered to help drive or to pay for gas since starting her new job. I feel like I am ready to end the situation. It feels like I have been taken advantage of for 4 years, and I have had enough. The tricky part is that the kid ocassionaly plays with my kids and I don't want to cause hurt feelings, etc.

Is there any advice on how I can break the carpool without causing a rift in our "neighborly" friendship????
I was in a similar situation when my son was young but I was the SAHM. I worked full-time when we moved into the neighborhood but a year later I lost my job. I couldnt find a job making the same wage so financially it kind of made sense for me to stay home for awhile. I didnt have to pay for before or after school care. My neighbor across the street had a boy the same age and she worked full-time. The boys became friends and when they started kindergarten they wanted to walk to school together. So it started off as an occasional thing that I walked the boys to school. Then it became a daily thing and before I knew it I walked the boys to school every morning. I didnt mind mostly but her son was a handful at times. He ran ahead, didnt want to wait for traffic and I felt responsible for her child. Then she asked me if it was okay if her son came to my house after school for an hour. It was only twice a week and the other days he was in after school care. Then she asked me if it was okay if it was everyday till the end of the school year which was only 2 months away. I said sure.

Well then it was just expected. The following school year it was everyday. She didnt even really ask. I got no more thank you's and then she started doing stuff like grocery shopping on the way home, running errands and an hour after school turned into 2 hours. Somedays I just wanted my own kid to deal with. I felt stupid for getting myself into the situation. I said yes but I didnt really think it was going to be a forever thing. Sometimes I wanted to run an errand myself after my son got home from school and I felt annoyed I had to wait. Sometimes I would see her come home from work, go in the house and not come out. I would then walk her son across the street to her house. I totally started getting the vibe that she felt I owed her somehow because she worked full time and I didnt.

So I took the lame way out. In my experience when people are this selfish and or clueless, being direct doesn't go well. I didnt want a problem and I didnt want my son to not be friends with the boy. So I gave her a polite reality check. I told her on monday's my son and I would be having breakfast together as new little tradition. McDonald's had a .50 cent pancake deal on monday mornings. He and I would be doing that and she would have to take her son to school. She was a bit taken back and said she understood. I only did it for a few weeks (I hate pancakes). I no longer provided an excuse. Monday's were off the table. She didnt ask and I didnt volunteer any info. Then I started getting busy. He had a dr. appt right after school so she would have to make other arrangements for her son. Then I had to do this or that. I didnt mind the walking to school stuff but the after school care, was becoming a problem. After a few times of not being able to watch her son, I was too unreliable to count on so she signed him back up for after school care. I think she might have been annoyed with me but she couldnt blame me for having a life. In my case it worked out well for me. Maybe not the most honest or direct way but that is how I dealt with my situation. My suggestion if you feel you can't be direct, then just get "busy."
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Old 12-03-2011, 06:17 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I was in a similar situation when my son was young but I was the SAHM. I worked full-time when we moved into the neighborhood but a year later I lost my job. I couldnt find a job making the same wage so financially it kind of made sense for me to stay home for awhile. I didnt have to pay for before or after school care. My neighbor across the street had a boy the same age and she worked full-time. The boys became friends and when they started kindergarten they wanted to walk to school together. So it started off as an occasional thing that I walked the boys to school. Then it became a daily thing and before I knew it I walked the boys to school every morning. I didnt mind mostly but her son was a handful at times. He ran ahead, didnt want to wait for traffic and I felt responsible for her child. Then she asked me if it was okay if her son came to my house after school for an hour. It was only twice a week and the other days he was in after school care. Then she asked me if it was okay if it was everyday till the end of the school year which was only 2 months away. I said sure.

Well then it was just expected. The following school year it was everyday. She didnt even really ask. I got no more thank you's and then she started doing stuff like grocery shopping on the way home, running errands and an hour after school turned into 2 hours. Somedays I just wanted my own kid to deal with. I felt stupid for getting myself into the situation. I said yes but I didnt really think it was going to be a forever thing. Sometimes I wanted to run an errand myself after my son got home from school and I felt annoyed I had to wait. Sometimes I would see her come home from work, go in the house and not come out. I would then walk her son across the street to her house. I totally started getting the vibe that she felt I owed her somehow because she worked full time and I didnt.

So I took the lame way out. In my experience when people are this selfish and or clueless, being direct doesn't go well. I didnt want a problem and I didnt want my son to not be friends with the boy. So I gave her a polite reality check. I told her on monday's my son and I would be having breakfast together as new little tradition. McDonald's had a .50 cent pancake deal on monday mornings. He and I would be doing that and she would have to take her son to school. She was a bit taken back and said she understood. I only did it for a few weeks (I hate pancakes). I no longer provided an excuse. Monday's were off the table. She didnt ask and I didnt volunteer any info. Then I started getting busy. He had a dr. appt right after school so she would have to make other arrangements for her son. Then I had to do this or that. I didnt mind the walking to school stuff but the after school care, was becoming a problem. After a few times of not being able to watch her son, I was too unreliable to count on so she signed him back up for after school care. I think she might have been annoyed with me but she couldnt blame me for having a life. In my case it worked out well for me. Maybe not the most honest or direct way but that is how I dealt with my situation. My suggestion if you feel you can't be direct, then just get "busy."
What a shame, tho, that you had been such a caring and thoughtful person and were taken advantage of . . . and then had to figure out this very convoluted round about way of getting out of something that was never your "responsibility" to start with.

I am glad it worked out for you in the end!

Just goes to show, there is a lot of truth in that adage:

"No good deed goes unpunished."
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Old 12-03-2011, 06:24 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
Um, I'm going to stick my neck out here and dissent with the rest of the posters.

You didn't mind doing it, you felt like you were doing a nice thing and helping reduce pollution, and you likely got some kind of feel good pay off from it.

Now it irks you that because the woman's circumstances have changed, that she didn't mind read that you aren't happy with her suddenly? How's she supposed to know that? Why can't you just tell her and not be so cold about it? These kids are your kids' friends, I wouldn't risk that by being so curt as to just stop doing it without any explanation or reason.

You don't need to hurt her feelings, she likely has no idea that you're miffed, or that you were feeling taken advantage of, as you've never given her any inkling of it brfore and you could be polite enough to have an honest discussion with her about it.

If she gives you any reason to be PO'd at her after that, then that's justified.

ETA I just saw Lisa's post - that's what I'm thinking.

And, the kid was late occasionally, which is to be expected when you're dealing with kids.
Finster, you just gotta be kidding me.

Hurt feelings? Miffed? No idea the OP has been taken advantage of?

Surely, you can see how upside down your thinking is???? The neighbor has been given a service gratis. MIFFED? The woman would have to be mentally ill to get MIFFED about something that someone was nice enough to do for her and she was so insensitive and thoughtless as to continue without even discussing the arrangements. PO'd? The neighbor could get PO'd b/c she was suddenly expected to do what everyone else in the world who has kids has to do - get herself up in time to take her kid to school?

And it is okay for someone else, who is not even PAYING you for your assistance, to make you late for work - cause "that is what is to be expected" with kids? You give that kind of thoughtless and irresponsible behavior a PASS? No, it is NOT OKAY.

In the real world, you are late for the bus, the bus leaves and there you stand with your mouth open.

In the real world, bosses get UPSET WITH YOU when you are late. The neighbor's callous, insensitive behavior (allowing her son to screw around and not be ready for his FREE RIDE) could have caused black marks on the OP's personnel record, something she may not even realize has happened til review and evaluation time rolls around.

But all this is okay with you and you think the OP needs to shelter her neighbor from the harsh reality that she needs to take responsibility for her own kid - out of fear the neighbor may get MIFFED or POd???
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