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I can pretty much guarantee that it isn't going to happen because I have a gentleman for a husband who sets a non-violent example for our sons. The 14 yo in the previous post raised his hand to his mother. The poster didn't even say that he actually hit her. In that case, I'd grab his arm and prevent him from hitting me. I wouldn't beat him up, and I wouldn't have my husband come home hours later and start in on him all over again. There might be counseling, grounding, all kinds of things, but not a parent beating up a child.
Some of you may think it is normal or just because he's a teen boy. It's not. I have known lots of teen boys, and I've never known one to punch his mother or in turn be beat up by both his parents. This is not normal. It is not healthy. It isn't something that happens in normal healthy relationships.
I used to think the way you do. My older son was raised in a non-violent, very loving environment. But, one day, I think those adolescent hormones got the best of him. I was taking away his video game privileges for something (I don't even remember what he was being punished for) and he hit me. He was already bigger than me, and frankly, I was frightened. I went into my room until my husband came home.
When my husband found out what happened, he told my son, "If you ever lay a finger on my wife again, we will go into the back yard and have it out. I will go to jail, but you will go to the hospital."
At the time, I thought it was a little extreme, but we never, ever had a problem like that again. Now, he didn't actually beat the kid up, but I know he would have if that happened again. I think I would have been okay with it too.
But again, not all kids that succumb to a violent impulse come from violent families. Sometimes, as they say, stuff happens.
I used to think the way you do. My older son was raised in a non-violent, very loving environment. But, one day, I think those adolescent hormones got the best of him. I was taking away his video game privileges for something (I don't even remember what he was being punished for) and he hit me. He was already bigger than me, and frankly, I was frightened. I went into my room until my husband came home.
When my husband found out what happened, he told my son, "If you ever lay a finger on my wife again, we will go into the back yard and have it out. I will go to jail, but you will go to the hospital."
At the time, I thought it was a little extreme, but we never, ever had a problem like that again. Now, he didn't actually beat the kid up, but I know he would have if that happened again. I think I would have been okay with it too.
But again, not all kids that succumb to a violent impulse come from violent families. Sometimes, as they say, stuff happens.
Your solution was better than the ones previously shared here, and it seems to have worked.
You will be part of your future grandchildren's lives... chances are, they'll be living with you too. 27 year old boys who still live at home, don't attract a quality kind of woman. They attract the same type of trash they are and their future spouses will expect you to do as they say as well. This isn't a temporary stop in your life... it didn't happen suddenly and I suspect it's not going to end soon.
You're enabling them. You raised them to be selfish and entitled and you're reaping that, and so are they. You do not want them out, or you would do whatever was necessary to help them become functioning members of society, rather than overgrown leeches. They have no impetus to move out. They have free room and board, a comfortable home, free cable, free internet... I'll bet those are nice rooms too, with all the latest electronics, nice furniture, access to free laundry (and laundry service, housekeeping, etc as well)... why would they leave?
If you really want them to go, then do something. Quit making excuses.
I really wouldn't worry about being part of the grandchildrens' lives. I'm guessing there aren't that many women who would want to DATE a 27-year-old guy who's still living with mommy and can't hold a job, let alone marry one and have his kids.
Hmm, our sons are 23 and 27. We live in Atlanta, not New York. Our sons degrees are not in finance either. I explicitly said that one of our sons had a job I think online poker is a popular way for young men to make additonal money nowadays. Our kids have no desire to move out, where it seems the guy in that post wants to leave. What in the world would I get out of being dishonest?
Anyway we do not want our sons living on the streets. We were thinking of offering to rent them an apartment to get on their feet, then slowly require them to start paying their own way. As far as cutting off cable and internet, they make their own money and would be able to pay for their own service. My wife and I refuse to compromise our comforts to squeeze our sons out of the house. We are not going to turn off our electricity, cut off cable and internet, remove doors from our home, live with an empty fridge, and live in a home where we play other passive aggressive games. We are aging and trying to enjoy our retirement.
We are good parents with kids who just need an extra push. They are college graduates, did well in school, and can be helpful at times. We just need our home back and we need to do this without ruining our relationship. The physical attacks stopped about five years ago after my wife and I signed up for self-defense classes. We want to enjoy our golden years without our sons inviting themselves on our vacations, using our vehicles without our permission, and interrupting our dinner parties with their foul-mouthed, drunk and high friends coming by.
We are incapable of being cold and shunning. My wife and I are in counseling about this and feel we are making some progress. I just wanted some advice on how to get my kids out without destroying our relationship. These are our only kids and we love them very much. Cutting our relationship ties is not an option. They will have families and we want to be a part of our future grandchildrens' lives.
Basically what you're saying is that you don't want to do anything to improve your situation. You just want to complain and for everyone to pat you on the back and say "poor you". The people in this thread have given honest advice, but you refuse to do what's necessary after other methods have failed. There's nothing anyone can do for you. Any professional therapist would say the exact same things that the posters in this thread have said.
Oh please, people. A 14 yr old boy doesn't have to learn that at home to do it. Most 14 yr old boys are little a-holes just by virtue of being 14 and male. Good thing that kid's father showed him consequences.
My friend's kid (usually a decent well-liked kid, but has bouts of a-holery) tried that crap. Friend told him to go ahead, and then he'll have to deal with his dad when he gets home. 14 yr old a-hole didn't do it, but he still had to deal with his dad because friend told his dad what transpired. Dad basically told 14 yr old a-hole that if he doesn't respect his own mother, he damn well better respect his dad's wife. Of course, dad is a man and not a wimp, and knows his first allegiance is to his SPOUSE.
Calling a 14-year old an a-hole? Nice judgment there. I'm guessing you don't even know him well enough to even judge him.
My wife and I have two sons, 23 and 27, who refuse to leave our house. Both are college graduates with marketable degrees, but they refuse to get real jobs. Both have earned quite a bit playing online poker and just laugh in our faces and tell us to shut the hell up when we tell them that gaming is not a way to earn a sustainable living.
We let the 27 year old move back in with us after graduating from a top school here in Georgia to help him establish himself. My other son had just started college and was living in the dorms. The son living with us had a part time job at Starbucks that he quit because he was "tired of making drinks all day." He had already started playing online poker, so he was able to supplement the income he had been making at Starbucks. We told him that if he was going to support himself by gambling that he needed to find a new place to live. He threw a huge tantrum, got in our faces, cursed us out, and dared us to kick him out. He and I got then got into a physical fight, before my wife jumped in and helped me pin him down until he calmed. He stormed out of the room and was gone the next day. Two days later I returned home from work to find him back in my house. He started sobbing saying that he was sorry and missed home. He promised to pay extra in rent, be more respectful, and move out within 6 months. I accepted. 6 years later he is still with us.
My other son moved directly into my house after school with no job. We told him that he had 4 months to find a job or else we would need for him to leave. He supposedly got a job at a local mall, but my wife and I found out that he had started successfully playing online poker and had been lying to us the whole time. My wife and I gave this son the same ultimatum we gave the older one, stop gambling or get out. He promised to stop gambling and find a job, which he told us he did but we do not believe. We believe he goes to his friends' homes to play when he tells us that he is at work.
My wife and I are at our wits in and cannot get our sons out of our house. On top of everything, they do not clean up behind themselves, they bring young "ladies" back to our house making all kinds of noise into the night, drink excessively and tear our belongings up, and sometimes come in from partying when my wife and I are getting ready for work.
We don't want to strain our relationships by getting the authorities involved, as we love our sons and have plenty of decent times. We are also getting older and may need to rely on our sons for help if our physical conditions warrant. But it is time for them to go. My wife and I are getting ready to retire and we do not need to spend our retirement dealing with this mess. How do we get them out in a non-confrontational manner?
You and your wife are most likely suffering some sort of depression by this time. It might benefit you both to get into some sort of co-dependency support group. They both are likely addicted to gambling.
Your mistake was not following through w/ the first son when you gave him months to leave 6years ago, and didn't enforce it. What you accept you teach.
Tell them/serve them a 30 day move out notice. Notify them that if they are not moved out, w/in 30 days you will put there belongings on the front lawn, change your locks, and call the police if they break in. And mean it!
There may be some sort of civil action that you have to file, if they don't take this first threat seriously.
For your consideration.......
There is no way you should be putting up w/ them bringing girls home, humiliate them..........
Go down stairs(or where ever they are) and announce in a loud voice that the Exterminator thought that he had been able to get ALL the bed bugs this time.
Get pamphlets on "how to get rid of bed bugs" and leave them in the bathrooms on the counters, or other places that girls would notice.
Be up waiting... both of you, for them to get home, in your grossest pj's...and insist they and the girls play monopoly, or bingo, any kind of kid game....they will be so humiliated in front of the girls, their playboy game will be ruined.
Take their doors off their rooms, if you want to avoid confrontation, tell them you have to have them painted....
Mom, buy juvenile sheets and put them on their beds. Do everything you can to make them uncomfortable.
Buy kiddie towels, mr bubble, juvenile kid stuff for the bathrooms.
Turn off cable, internet, quit buying groceries.....you and the Mrs sneak out and eat, no extras for the house, no snacks nothing that is a "perk" for these freeloaders
No tv's or things you furnished in their rooms Sell them, pawn them.
All else fails, sell the house and move.
Last edited by JanND; 01-11-2012 at 06:12 PM..
Reason: sentence structure
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.
My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.
Change the locks and put deadbolts on your doors. I am sorry they are doing this to you.
Do you or your wife do their laundry and or cook for them? You shouldn't.
Nobody want's their child to suffer, but it's not good for them to be living at home dependent on their parents at their age either.
If they can't each live on their own, maybe they can pool their resources and live together SOMEWHERE ELSE. Let them figure it out. You did your job raising them, you have a right to enjoy your home in peace now!
If you continue to worry about not damaging your relationship, the way you are, they will always have the upper hand.
They might get angry. They might stop talking to you for a while. Remember, THEY PLAY POKER, they play the odds and they know how to bluff, right?
Parents have to expect that their kids will get mad at them sometimes. If your kids never get angry with you, you probably aren't doing your job.
I would bet hat even if they got mad, eventually they would get over it and realize it really is time to grow up!
As much as I hate this word and I know nobody likes to be told they are doing this, I think you and your wife are enabling their behavior. Sometimes "tough love" really is necessary.
I do hope you find a reasonable solution to your problem.
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I'm guessing you don't even know him well enough to even judge him.
