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It could be the biggest favor he could do her. If he "can't" throw her out when she's stealing from him and 18 years old and very dependent, what's going to change? Will she soon be 28 years old and still helpless and still stealing? Next thing she'll be 38 and still just as helpless, then 48, and if she's never expected to get a job and be productive and responsible, what happens if she someday looses daddy and finds herself suddenly on her own?
If she's not working and not in college, now is the best time to get her working.
I think he can lay down the law -- tell her that she is not to steal, if he catches her stealing again, he will pack up her stuff and she will move out.
And if he feels he still has to provide for her, he needs to cut back. Just let her keep her bed and bedroom, and let her eat the food he has available but since she's overweight, he should cut back on what's in the house. Stop the allowance. Don't buy anything else -- if she needs clothes, she might find the motivation to work. If she wants to go out with friends, let her earn the money it takes for that.
She's an adult already, there isn't much more time to parent and teach her.
I'm pretty much to he point that I believe she needs to learn the hard way. I just don't want to set her up for failure so just putting her stuff at the curb isn't an option. And I don't really want to put my name on an apartment given her level of disrespect (I don't want to be legally liable). So I just need to work out a scenario that encompasses these.
There's also a few last hopes. We're going on a road trip to Texas in two weeks. We've always had good times on road trips so maybe that can serve as a pivot point. Also, we haven't seen my cousins in a few months. She always liked going there. IDK, maybe it's just trying to hold on to hope. But it helps me get through the day.
A very well meaning, concerned but alas enabling Dad. I wonder if the correct step is to get counseling for YOU to help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
A very well meaning, concerned but alas enabling Dad. I wonder if the correct step is to get counseling for YOU to help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
I agree with the bolded. If adolescent/young adult clients repeatedly missed/refused to attend therapy sessions, I was willing to work with the parent(s) to help set up contingencies to get the adolescent/young adult into treatment. A short-term therapist (specializing in family or teen issues) to help the OP figure out a specific course of action (and how to react/implement and then follow through on consequences if each of the components of that plan are not met by his daughter) is very solid advice, IMO.
I agree with the bolded. If adolescent/young adult clients repeatedly missed/refused to attend therapy sessions, I was willing to work with the parent(s) to help set up contingencies to get the adolescent/young adult into treatment. A short-term therapist (specializing in family or teen issues) to help the OP figure out a specific course of action (and how to react/implement and then follow through on consequences if each of the components of that plan are not met by his daughter) is very solid advice, IMO.
Thanks.
We started seeing a family therapist last week and have an appointment next week. I think if she took her meds things would be very different so that is the major reason I don't want to kick her out. If it continues after she's on the meds that is a different story. But, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't try to get her to take her meds on a regular basis. If she doesn't take them now, it will only be worse if she is on her own. And there's very little hope of a rebound unless things get very ugly for her. So getting her to take the meds is really my last hope and last effort. At that point I can say I've tried everything.
Something like:
[SIZE=3]"You have two choices. Either you let me take over your med schedule or you leave. I want to help you, but you are making it impossible with your failure to comply. Either you let me help you with maximum effort or I'm afraid I have to move on with my life."[/SIZE]
I agree with the bolded. If adolescent/young adult clients repeatedly missed/refused to attend therapy sessions, I was willing to work with the parent(s) to help set up contingencies to get the adolescent/young adult into treatment. A short-term therapist (specializing in family or teen issues) to help the OP figure out a specific course of action (and how to react/implement and then follow through on consequences if each of the components of that plan are not met by his daughter) is very solid advice, IMO.
I will also try to talk to her psychologist about seeing her again and what that will entail. I was hoping this would be a huge wake-up call for her, but I'm beginning to doubt it. That or I've just lost hope altogether.
I will also try to talk to her psychologist about seeing her again and what that will entail. I was hoping this would be a huge wake-up call for her, but I'm beginning to doubt it. That or I've just lost hope altogether.
If you are going to treat her like a child then you have to do it all the way. That means you need to take control of her life, make sure she takes her meds, make sure she goes to her appointments, etc.....OR
You need to treat her like an adult and leave her to succeed or fail on her own.
What you are doing now, treating her like an adult in some ways and supporting her as if she were a child is not working.
If you believe she is incapable of being an adult on her own then you need to treat her as if she were a child and maintain a level of supervision that you would for a younger person. That might mean taking away her car (if you are paying), instituting curfews, making sure she takes her meds, taking her to her appointments, etc.....It sounds to me like she might not be capable of being an adult right now due to her illnesses. If you are insistent on taking care of her you need to do it all the way, not part of the way. Otherwise, you need to put her on her own. This halfway thing is not working for your family.
We started seeing a family therapist last week and have an appointment next week. I think if she took her meds things would be very different so that is the major reason I don't want to kick her out.
But she isn't, is she? She isn't taking her meds.
Quote:
If it continues after she's on the meds that is a different story.
If she continues to ... not take her meds? She is already doing that.
Quote:
But, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't try to get her to take her meds on a regular basis.
I hope you take this in the spirit that it is intended. I think you have some SERIOUS denial going on. So I am going to be blunt at the risk of being perceived as mean. Have you always been a helicopter parent? Get her to do things? Control what she does and not allow HER to be responsible for her actions and the consequences thereof?
If she doesn't take them now, it will only be worse if she is on her own. And there's very little hope of a rebound unless things get very ugly for her. So getting her to take the meds is really my last hope and last effort. At that point I can say I've tried everything.
You are trying to GET HER to do. SHE needs to do. Or she will never grow up. Maybe not this issue. Maybe the next issue. But I seriously doubt that you will get past this issue any time soon and without dire consequences to her if you don't change your tune.
Stop thinking of what YOU can and can't live with yourself over. And start thinking what is really best FOR HER. For her long term health, mental health, maturity and well being.
Quote:
Something like:
[SIZE=3]"You have two choices. Either you let me take over your med schedule or you leave. I want to help you, but you are making it impossible with your failure to comply. Either you let me help you with maximum effort or I'm afraid I have to move on with my life."[/SIZE]
If you are going to treat her like a child then you have to do it all the way. That means you need to take control of her life, make sure she takes her meds, make sure she goes to her appointments, etc.....OR
Which might work short term but has serious repercussions long term.
Quote:
You need to treat her like an adult and leave her to succeed or fail on her own.
Which might work short term but has serious repercussions long term.
Yes.
I think the OPs child might truly have to many things going on (medically) for him to put all the responsibility on her. She needs him to be a parent right now. If she were a normal young adult with no mental health issues I would say kicking her to the curb would work. However, she has serious medical issues and unless he gets those under control she will not ever be capable of living independently.
If the OP wants to get her to the point where she is capable of being on her own he needs to temporarily treat her like a child. Once she is on the meds, and feeling better then he needs to get her to be more independent. If he kicks her out before then it will not work for her. Mental illness renders people completely incapable of taking care of themselves.
This halfway thing is not going to work for her.
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