moving away from elderly parents - guilt?? (mother-in-law, married, husband)

[aphahorse]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

No parent should expect their children to live their lives simply to accommodate them in their final years. But most children do want to help as much as they can. As we age we get stuck in our ways and lose sight of the demands we are making on our family members. We sometimes become too dependant on our family.

I think you should realize that guilt over all sorts of things is just part of a womann's makeup. It's gonna be there no matter what you do- stay or go.

So do what is best for you and your husband. If your parents can't see that you have to go where the work is then they are beyond reasoning with.

My STERN WARNING is DO NOT let your parents move in with you under any circumstances. That can be a recipe for disaster especially when you add raising kids to the mix.

Seems to me there are enough kids in this family to share any responsibility for aging parents. Somebody will be inconvenienced but that is the way it goes. Don't assume since you are the only daughter and the youngest that it should all fall on your shoulders.

Good luck

Originally Posted by seain dublin

It's kind of strange that your mother is being so stubborn. For one thing the property taxes in NJ are among the highest in the nation.

You said the house is large, so I'm going to assume(hate to do that) that it is a two story?

Well as we age we slow down, many people scale down and get a smaller house that is one story. You don't want to be climbing stairs when you need a new hip or knee surgery.

Also TN offers a more moderate winter.

Any chance of having them go down with you for a visit? They may fall in love with the place.

I certainly wouldn't stay in NJ if your mother is too stubborn to at least consider it.

You know it may come down to that they can't live on their own. You may bring that up.

1) you can stay in NJ and go to a nursing home/assisted living

2) you can relocate to TN with us.


May sound a little harsh but your mother sounds like the type of person who thinks everything is going to remain status quo....it doesn't.

Yes, as a woman.... I suppose it is a part of a womans makeup LOL.

My dad wuold move in a heart beat, but my mom won't.
She says "my doctors are here" (they are healthy, but their regular annual dr).

I would hate to have them in a nursing home far from me but I understand what you're saying

I think part of the reason she won't relocate is because she still wants to see my brothers who live in NY, about 2.5 hours away (which I totally understand)

Yep, they live in a 2-story house...and I would think that there will come a time that they can't climb those stairs comfortably. Or maintain the property.

And she definately is the type of person who thinks everything is going to remain status quo

[aphahorse]

Originally Posted by CSD610

If you both decide to make the move after you have visited then make the move and after you get a home and settled in have your parents come and visit for a week or so and see how Mom likes it. The visit away from home might change her mind. If not make the trip to see them as often as you can and keep in constant contact on the phone and write letters.

Since my parents are retired, there should be no problem with them visiting....one would think........but mom is so negative that she says it'll be too far a drive for them (my mom never drove, my dad always drove her where ever she wanted to go). She even complains how "awful" the drive is to my brothers houses 2.5 hours away.

My thought was to have them come out for a week every month or so.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by aphahorse

Since my parents are retired, there should be no problem with them visiting....one would think........but mom is so negative that she says it'll be too far a drive for them (my mom never drove, my dad always drove her where ever she wanted to go). She even complains how "awful" the drive is to my brothers houses 2.5 hours away.

My thought was to have them come out for a week every month or so.

Your Mother must be related to mine. She can take the Amtrak with no problem, comfortable couple hour ride from her home to mine but alas, no such luck.

Too many strangers, too much cost, too dirty, too clean, too comfortable, too uncomfortable, too public, too private, etc. etc

I think it is an old woman thing (at times) but who knows. Good luck with the job and the relocation.

Out of curiosity where in Tennessee are you looking? We have family there and will be going there ourselves in the not too distant future.

[aphahorse]

This is my Moms "new" reasoning

We had them over for dinner last night, to kinda feel out the situation....it didn't go so well, She said to me:
"you have to weigh the situation, if you stay here you'll be around family, what if you have kids? We will never see them! No one will ever see you again. If you move there there's no guarentess of your job, you can find a job here instead! You have to give it time tho and keep looking"

Partly this is true......my brothers would never make the trip, (they barely make the trip to my parents now - Christmas, a few times during the year for a day or two) but we only see them a handful of times a year. I'd probably never see my niece or nephews again, they are young adults & starting their lives in NY and they'd never make the trip. I am content with keeping in touch with them via phone/email tho.

And yes, I'm sure he can eventually find a job. He was offered a job already, but no benefits. It might turn into a perm full time positino with full benefits & Union, but he won't know that for another 5 weeks or so.

I just don't want to hurt my parents, or make them think we don't care about them.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by aphahorse

This is my Moms "new" reasoning

We had them over for dinner last night, to kinda feel out the situation....it didn't go so well, She said to me:
"you have to weigh the situation, if you stay here you'll be around family, what if you have kids? We will never see them! No one will ever see you again. If you move there there's no guarentess of your job, you can find a job here instead! You have to give it time tho and keep looking"

Partly this is true......my brothers would never make the trip, (they barely make the trip to my parents now - Christmas, a few times during the year for a day or two) but we only see them a handful of times a year. I'd probably never see my niece or nephews again, they are young adults & starting their lives in NY and they'd never make the trip. I am content with keeping in touch with them via phone/email tho.

And yes, I'm sure he can eventually find a job. He was offered a job already, but no benefits. It might turn into a perm full time positino with full benefits & Union, but he won't know that for another 5 weeks or so.

I just don't want to hurt my parents, or make them think we don't care about them.

Oh honey, Mothers are specifically made to guilt you into living your life they way THEY want you to live it not to live your life the way YOU want to live it.

I agree she has good points and makes a good argument however, SHE is not the one who has to worry with the debts and stresses of having no job. It sounds like your husband is being given a good opportunity to transfer within the same company, an offer than is NOT extended to everyone. I know how that goes, I am married to and OTR Trucker myself.

You and your husband need to make the best choice for you and Mom will deal with it in her own way and she will either accept it or she won't. Either way the guilt layers will keep being piled on and you just have to learn to not allow her to do that to you.

My Mother has been trying to "guilt" me into her way of life for 51 years now and I'm 51 years old and it hasn't worked yet...LOL

[aphahorse]

Originally Posted by CSD610

Out of curiosity where in Tennessee are you looking? We have family there and will be going there ourselves in the not too distant future.

Spring Hill, or close to it.

[aphahorse]

Originally Posted by CSD610

Oh honey, Mothers are specifically made to guilt you into living your life they way THEY want you to live it not to live your life the way YOU want to live it.

I agree she has good points and makes a good argument however, SHE is not the one who has to worry with the debts and stresses of having no job. It sounds like your husband is being given a good opportunity to transfer within the same company, an offer than is NOT extended to everyone. I know how that goes, I am married to and OTR Trucker myself.

You and your husband need to make the best choice for you and Mom will deal with it in her own way and she will either accept it or she won't. Either way the guilt layers will keep being piled on and you just have to learn to not allow her to do that to you.

My Mother has been trying to "guilt" me into her way of life for 51 years now and I'm 51 years old and it hasn't worked yet...LOL

I think part of the problem, is this is my "comfort-zone" , I know the area, etc. And I'm scared to death of the move, but excited at the same time.

If we take Mom/Dad out of the equation (if they were supportive, or said they'd come with us), we'd go in a heartbeat.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by aphahorse

I think part of the problem, is this is my "comfort-zone" , I know the area, etc. And I'm scared to death of the move, but excited at the same time.

If we take Mom/Dad out of the equation (if they were supportive, or said they'd come with us), we'd go in a heartbeat.

I sincerely understand and empathize however, you must live your life as you need to and take care of you. Your parents are going to do what they want to do. I understand about being excited and scared at the same time as well. We moved a lot when I was a child and Sneakers and I have moved 8 times in the last 5 years so I still don't have a physical place that I call "home". Just stress to your parents that you love them very much, you will miss them very much, you will visit as often as possible, you hope they come and stay with you for a week or two at a time however, YOU must do what you have to and take care of yourselves and your finances.

I thought Spring Hill sounded familiar, it is less than an hour from our family Hohenwald, TN. Beautiful area, Natchez Trace is close to Hohenwald, lots to do really and very nice people overall.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by aphahorse

That's the thing too.....his salary wouuld remain the same, with possibly a little more! Thats just another thing to add to the possitive side

And we've discussed maybe using a few vaca days to drive back here. It's a 14 hour trip, so that right there would be 2 vaca days jsut for driving. I think flying might get to be a bit expensive tho.

isn't his same company keeping him and transferring him? He shouldn't have to take vacation days to move if they are making him do it to keep his job.

Do you really even have a choice? I mean, if you let the guilt get to you and you don't go he'll be unemployed, right? Is that really the best way to go?

[CSD610]

One other thing I just thought of is if you decide not to go because Mom is making you feel guilt for moving away, you may end up resenting her because of the opportunity that was passed up by your husband.