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Actually I do. Anthropologically based ones and the ideas are not really mine. Wish I could remember when/where I learned this, but it does jive with my own observations, and I'm guessing it will with yours.
Woman carry a child in pregnancy ( most adoptions are also female driven) we know who the mother of a child is, with absolute certainty. The mother's connection to the child is strong, and usually biologically based, reinforced by hormones that are released during pregnancy and childbirth.
Men's connection with a child begins at birth, not before. It is more tenuous and more connected to his relationship with the child's mother, than with the child directly.
They have less invested in the child, literally.
Men are also more likely to leave their children and start new families.
They can transfer their allegiance from their first family to their second, because they have invested less to begin with.
The negative side of men's ability to accept another man's child, is their ability to abandon their own. Many men through out history, have several families. It's nothing new. When their wife or partner leaves, or dies, they are apt to replace that partner quickly. And more children often follow.
When a step-family is formed (just as with an "intact" family) the mother sets the tone, is responsible for creating traditions, holiday celebrations gift giving room assignment and all functions relating to hospitality. A woman can have several children with different men and they are ALL her children and in most cases are equally welcome in her home for their entire lives.
Half sibling through the mother, are closer for this reason. Woman do not give up their young easily! Even if they despise the father.
The negative side of that is that this powerful love that we feel for "our own" children, makes us extremely protective and vigilant to any perceived slight or injustice inflicted on their OWN CHILD.
Back to anthro, when resources such as food were limited, a mother's instinct to protect her young kicks in, and they will do anything in their power to ensure not just that their child gets enough, but the most!
The father is more intact and less hypervigilant. This translates into greater acceptance of children that are not his own.
These are primitive pasterns that have been with us since evolution.
What are your thoughts?
I agree with this to an extent. I know of and hear of more fathers leaving their kids and "starting over" with a new family. Both of my mother's sisters are divorced. Both husbands left them, one while she was in the hospital after a bad fall, giving premature birth to my cousin, and the other when his girls were small. My youngest cousins wanted to spend time with their dad but he paid them less and less attention, sent less and less money and begrudged every penny, flaked on vacations ("Maybe next time ..."), all the stereotypical stuff. The youngest cousin refers to her dad's new family as his "real family" because they get all his love, all his time, all the gifts. Her older sister is two years younger than I am and turned out OK, but the younger one had all the daddy issues. I think she was stripping at some point.
Over on the Relationships board, there is a frequent sentiment among some guys that child support is somehow linked to how they feel (or would feel, if they were in the situation) about their kids' mother. A couple regular posters talk about their families and how their dads walked out, got remarried, had some new kids, and that was the end of their relationship. One guy told me outright that if his hypothetical wife betrayed him, he'd never pay a penny in child support and would wish his children were never born. I think my loser uncle has those feelings. He despises my aunt so he ignores her children, despite their being his children too. They (not all men, but I think this happens more in men than in women) just go get a new family. My older cousin tried to be nice and asked him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Two days before, he flaked. Couldn't make it, too busy, sorry kids. Our grandmother, who is the sweetest, kindest person in the world, hates his guts.
I will add, however, that women may have greater allegiance to their children, which I attribute to basic biology--but mothers aren't all a bunch of dedicated saints. How many threads have you seen about stepfathers who despise their stepkids, or abuse them? There is a post in this thread about a woman who has three children with different fathers AND a new husband who doesn't seem to even like them that much. What kind of mom does this to her children? What kind of mom marries a man who hates her children, or beats them or molests them? A mom whose maternal instinct is BROKEN. There are news articles about abused children who are beaten or starved to death, and it's usually either a mom or a mom helping a sadistic stepdad kill her own children.
I agree with this to an extent. I know of and hear of more fathers leaving their kids and "starting over" with a new family. Both of my mother's sisters are divorced. Both husbands left them, one while she was in the hospital after a bad fall, giving premature birth to my cousin, and the other when his girls were small. My youngest cousins wanted to spend time with their dad but he paid them less and less attention, sent less and less money and begrudged every penny, flaked on vacations ("Maybe next time ..."), all the stereotypical stuff. The youngest cousin refers to her dad's new family as his "real family" because they get all his love, all his time, all the gifts. Her older sister is two years younger than I am and turned out OK, but the younger one had all the daddy issues. I think she was stripping at some point.
Over on the Relationships board, there is a frequent sentiment among some guys that child support is somehow linked to how they feel (or would feel, if they were in the situation) about their kids' mother. A couple regular posters talk about their families and how their dads walked out, got remarried, had some new kids, and that was the end of their relationship. One guy told me outright that if his hypothetical wife betrayed him, he'd never pay a penny in child support and would wish his children were never born. I think my loser uncle has those feelings. He despises my aunt so he ignores her children, despite their being his children too. They (not all men, but I think this happens more in men than in women) just go get a new family. My older cousin tried to be nice and asked him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Two days before, he flaked. Couldn't make it, too busy, sorry kids. Our grandmother, who is the sweetest, kindest person in the world, hates his guts.
I will add, however, that women may have greater allegiance to their children, which I attribute to basic biology--but mothers aren't all a bunch of dedicated saints. How many threads have you seen about stepfathers who despise their stepkids, or abuse them? There is a post in this thread about a woman who has three children with different fathers AND a new husband who doesn't seem to even like them that much. What kind of mom does this to her children? What kind of mom marries a man who hates her children, or beats them or molests them? A mom whose maternal instinct is BROKEN. There are news articles about abused children who are beaten or starved to death, and it's usually either a mom or a mom helping a sadistic stepdad kill her own children.
It's a messed up world.
It is indeed. But I have observed this. There are exceptions to every rule, but I have seen so many instances of families that remain relatively intact when the male partner changes - even changes frequently.
When the mother changes, it's as though a coup d eta has taken place and there is a new regime.
There are instances of abuse - egregious abuse involving boyfriends and step fathers, particularly in underclass families that are chaotic to begin with. I think that is a separate topic.
I agree with your observation that men will with hold suppost it their wife angers them. The relationship is through the romantic or formerly romantic partner.
That is why they can accept step children with ease. More than women can.
I actually think women are more territorial and I agree about the bio bond. They are hardly saints in my view.
I think that some myths enter our culture because they resonate with many people and become iconic and accepted as truth.
The mythos surrounding step mothers is enormous and negative.
And it persists. I would guess that almost everyone knows of a "Wicked Stepmother" who cuts her step chidren out of the will, gives them back breaking work,or too many chores, treats them differently than her own family,drives a wedge between the children and their father, ensures that they just get enough - but not too much, is sarcastic and derisive.
The reason it goes unnoticed is the converse of why men may be more adaptable to parenting the children of a woman with whom he is currently in love. Men do not focus as closely or intently on their children.
Yes I've heard of situations such as that. I wrote "generally" in my original post, and by that I meant with greater frequency than it happens with the situation of a Step Mother and biological father.
The inequity can be seen in my half brother, who graduated from college eight years ago, flunked out of an MBA program and is living in the house in which I grew up rent free. He gambles, drives a BMW, and teaches Theater Arts at summer camps, a job that I had while still in college.
My statements are not from my personal experience. They are from courses that I took in college. They can, in my experience, be backed up by anecdotal evidence, including but not limited to my own.
To sum it up, it can happen when a mother takes a new partner. It happens with a greater frequency when a father remarries and a Step Mother is in the picture. And it's a well known fact that men remarry more frequently than do women. Men do not do well "on their own."
Either way, it is sad.
@Sheena, my remarks weren't really about what men might or might not do....just that women have no problem marginalizing the children they already have when a new man walks into their life. While I described one situation, almost everyone I know who remarries, seems to let the new partner somehow influence the family dynamic at the expense of the children the woman already has. I guess I disagree with the word welcome as you used it.
Then people act all surprised and clueless that these children act out. What is even more amazing is the expectation that the kids are expected to "respect" the new daddy figure, and rarely are allowed to voice their feelings about the new family dynamics. The more step parents and kids that are added on to the family, the more marginalized the oldest kids become.
I certainly think a step-parent can love a child as their own. I have a daughter that is adopted and I love her as if she were born from me, and I don't think it is much different. I do think the parent needs to really make sure that this is really the case and not just a step-parent pretending to care for the sake of his new wife or visa-versa.
Adoption is another way to have one's "own child." Biological mothers have a connection with their child that is hormonal and physical. Adoptive mothers also have a strong connection. In some ways it might be stronger! An adopted child is never an accident!
An adopted child is not a step child, and studies have shown that women who are adopting have a "glow abot them" and an increase of some of the very same hormones that biological mothers have.
Step-parenting can, in no way ; be likened to adoption.
One is a choice, where as the other, is the result of a relationship having little to do with the child.
I'd hope that in many cases, a person marries a parent not only because he or she wants to be a spouse, but also because he or she loves the child and wants to be a parent. I think that marrying a parent has everything to do with the child. People who marry the spouse but not the children are in for a lot of unhappiness.
Adoption is another way to have one's "own child." Biological mothers have a connection with their child that is hormonal and physical. Adoptive mothers also have a strong connection. In some ways it might be stronger! An adopted child is never an accident!
An adopted child is not a step child, and studies have shown that women who are adopting have a "glow abot them" and an increase of some of the very same hormones that biological mothers have.
Step-parenting can, in no way ; be likened to adoption.
One is a choice, where as the other, is the result of a relationship having little to do with the child.
They are very different.
I disagree that step-parenting can, in no way, be likened to adoption. My DH certainly made the choice to our ODS's father just as he made the choice to be with me.
I disagree with you that a woman who has children by different men welcomes all children into her life the same way. Women(or men) who move on to new partners have no problems marginalizing the roles of the children they had by a different partner...often this is somehow a condition of the relationship. They might be all her children, but that doesn't mean they are all treated the same way.
Here is one example. Mom remarries. Her oldest child is not the bio child of her current husband. Oldest child graduates from high school, goes to college. Pretty much from the time oldest child graduates she gets the message that there is not really a place for her anymore within the household. They don't even have a room in the house anymore. There is little emotional support, no financial support, not even a room to crash in at break. The message is clear...they are adults, and now the priority is the kids they have with the new guy. I work with a lot of college students and have seen that scenario play out a few times with some young people I know. Very sad.
I don't understand the situation above. When I moved out for college (never moved back home afterwards), but half-sister was 4 years old. My parents moved to another town soon after. In their new house (well, they still live in it now), I don't have my own bedroom. It's a 6 bedroom house, so there's certainly enough room for me and my husband when we visit, but it's not a bedroom with my stuff. This by no means upsets me, nor does it say that they've moved on or washed their hands of me. Do you pity me? I don't. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by docmac22
Because I'm 39 and I want my own family, I wont let somone elses previous life choices/mistakes dictate my future in creating my- own family.
How can you refer to children as someone's mistake? Does your soon-to-be wife have the same attitude about her children? I would hope not. You really need to reevaluate your marriage because this is just plain sad. When you choose to marry someone with children, it's the whole package. They are your 'own family'. You kind of disgust me right now.
I hope you've told your future wife how you feel. It would be unfair to her if you have not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
But people adopt their stepchildren quite a bit.
I'd hope that in many cases, a person marries a parent not only because he or she wants to be a spouse, but also because he or she loves the child and wants to be a parent. I think that marrying a parent has everything to do with the child. People who marry the spouse but not the children are in for a lot of unhappiness.
This. Gotta spread around the love before I can rep you again.
I think it's certainly possible. However it does seem that there are unique challenges to the step-parent-step-child relationship that can stunt it.
First and foremost, a lot of kids still want their parents to get back together even if they won't admit it or even consciously register it. Therefore the step-parent can be, outwardly or deep down, seen as an intruder.
Many people don't want to deal with someone else's kids and/or are not honest with themselves about whether or not they can handle it. They may also not know how they fit into the family. Some single parents actively look for a replacement parent for their kid(s) which puts pressure on the person they are with.
Also there are step-parents that are afraid of crossing the line in some way, either by being too close to a step-child who still has the other parent around, or by being too strict and taking on the role of a parent. So step-parents can stay away.
Then there's the Cinderella-complex. It's plain natural for humans to raise their own kids and nobody else's. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it's plain old instinct to wrestle with.
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Gotta spread around the love before I can rep you again.
