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OP, I am a few years shy of your age and I don't get it either. I basically went to college and never came back. I worked two and three jobs to pay for my first apartment. My family was not a safe haven for me and therefore I had no other option.
I think that kids who get a free pass to live at home after college are in for a rude awakening. Though I understand that parents want to make room for them to follow their goals, IMHO they are only delaying the inevitable. Some day it will be time for that child to pay its own way. My own experience built up my creativity, my resourcefulness, and made me appreciate things I had earned myself. I learned to work very hard, plan, budget, and face the reality that there isn't always a safety net.
I did the same, but looking back I wish it hadn't been that way. I lived on my own for 20 years before finally getting married and having my own family. In retrospect, those were scary, lonely years. Sure, there was some fun, but having to do everything on my own was not part of it, and there were so many times when bad things happened because I didn't have needed resources of one type or another. Unfortunately, moving in with my parents was never an option because living with them was even worse.
Now, however, I hope that my own child doesn't feel like he needs to move out. As long as he goes to college and gets a job afterward, I don't see any reason why he can't live with us, or at least near us, for the rest of his life. My husband's family is very close and although they haven't always lived together, they've always tried to live in the same area. They are from another country where that is normal. I can see how much it's helped them - they have even gone into business and invested together, and benefited financially in ways that I could never have done on my own all those years that I was scrounging for grocery money while trying to make the rent on my basement apartment.
What I can't understand is how many people I know with children who are in their 20's and are still living at home, while not going to college. I know one person who has three grown children at home. They work menial jobs and have occasionally spent a semester at college, only to drop out and come home. They are completely aimless. This to me is completely baffling.
Now, however, I hope that my own child doesn't feel like he needs to move out. As long as he goes to college and gets a job afterward, I don't see any reason why he can't live with us, or at least near us, for the rest of his life.
I never understood the "throw them out the minute they graduate from HS" line of thinking. We are raising our kids to be independent, but in order for them to be independent for the long term they need more than a HS education.
In a traditional Jewish family it is a father's responsibility to make sure their sons are able to make a living. In the modern world that translates to a parent's responsibility to make sure all of their children are able to make a living. Helping them through their education is part of making sure they can do that. Until they are able to make a living for themselves it is common for young adults to live with their parents. Since jobs allowing total independence are hard to come by, even for college graduates, you will see more young adults living with their parents.
So you think a young adult who puts his earnings into a savings account for 5 years or so and then puts 50% down on a house he buys when he gets married hasn't learned to pay their own way? I've seen this happen. If my child were squandering their time and money, I wouldn't let them live at home, but if I saw them using the time wisely to set themselves up well for life, I would absolutely let them take advantage of the opportunity.
Since I got married 15 years ago the cost of living has more than tripled. (shoot, the last five years or so has seen most of that inflation.) And salaries have remained the same and/or gone down. It's not the same world we all made out way in as younger people.
Though this is true, allowing someone to live a home just because times have changed is not, in my opinion, preparing them to face exactly what you are protecting them against. Sure they may have a little extra money saved up, but they have not had any experience with negotiating their way around what can be a very harsh and difficult world.
I am not in favor of kicking out every kid as soon as they reach adulthood, but from my own experience, I can tell you that I am much better situated than many of my peers to navigate things like finding a new job, moving to a new city, dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships, investing money, negotiating for large purchases, etc.
There is no substitute for experience and sometimes that means making a mistake. It concerns me that so many parents think its absolutely normal to allow a child to live at home until they get married, while they are pursuing a grad degree, etc. It seems to have a lot more to do with the parent than the adult child.
I did the same, but looking back I wish it hadn't been that way. I lived on my own for 20 years before finally getting married and having my own family. In retrospect, those were scary, lonely years. Sure, there was some fun, but having to do everything on my own was not part of it, and there were so many times when bad things happened because I didn't have needed resources of one type or another. Unfortunately, moving in with my parents was never an option because living with them was even worse.
Now, however, I hope that my own child doesn't feel like he needs to move out. As long as he goes to college and gets a job afterward, I don't see any reason why he can't live with us, or at least near us, for the rest of his life. My husband's family is very close and although they haven't always lived together, they've always tried to live in the same area. They are from another country where that is normal. I can see how much it's helped them - they have even gone into business and invested together, and benefited financially in ways that I could never have done on my own all those years that I was scrounging for grocery money while trying to make the rent on my basement apartment.
What I can't understand is how many people I know with children who are in their 20's and are still living at home, while not going to college. I know one person who has three grown children at home. They work menial jobs and have occasionally spent a semester at college, only to drop out and come home. They are completely aimless. This to me is completely baffling.
Frightening! And only because my partner's family is like this. It drives him CRAZY.
We live in a different city than they do and they are CONSTANTLY letting him know that we can move into the family home at any time, quit our jobs and relocate there, etc. He is in his 30s, as I am in mine and even though he left home years ago, there is conversation at each and every family gathering about the possibility of his coming back.
He lived at home during college and moved out shortly thereafter. His parents would love for us to live with them. We think that is just insane. We would consider moving to where they live because its a nice area of the country, but neither of us have job prospects there. Yet, this makes no difference. The last time we saw them they must have mentioned it 12 times. It gets really annoying.
I agree with confusedasusual-- this is about the PARENTS. I see it in my family. The parents are lonely and can't stand to let go of their kids. They use every excuse but at the end of the day, the kids aren't getting to spread their wings and make their own way. Most kids want to please mom and dad, and if mom and dad are putting the pressure on to stay at home, they just might do it.
Though this is true, allowing someone to live a home just because times have changed is not, in my opinion, preparing them to face exactly what you are protecting them against. Sure they may have a little extra money saved up, but they have not had any experience with negotiating their way around what can be a very harsh and difficult world.
I am not in favor of kicking out every kid as soon as they reach adulthood, but from my own experience, I can tell you that I am much better situated than many of my peers to navigate things like finding a new job, moving to a new city, dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships, investing money, negotiating for large purchases, etc.
There is no substitute for experience and sometimes that means making a mistake. It concerns me that so many parents think its absolutely normal to allow a child to live at home until they get married, while they are pursuing a grad degree, etc. It seems to have a lot more to do with the parent than the adult child.
While I don't doubt some parents exert pressure on their adult kids to stay at home as long as possible, I think the vast majority of the kids do it because it just makes sense. If the relationship is a good one, and the child is working towards a goal, what difference does it make?
I lived at home until I got married, and it wasn't that long ago that it was the absolute norm. This idea that the kids can't come home after college without turning them into leeches unable to ever take care of themselves is silly.
You might've missed a generational gap in which quite a bit changed; the cost of education, the increasing rent, unemployment rates, the increasing inflation, mixed with parents who reveled in giving their kids the childhoods they never had, have not been a good mixture. What you have now are young people who want to get ahead but don't always quite know how, who work harder for less than generations before them, minus the full-time hours, benefits and time-off. They're also being constrained by a generation whose retirement has been put on hold, and who look upon these very young people they have to hire, as everything you think of when you hear about generation y, millennials, or whatever you want to call them. Lazy, unmotivated, self-centered, impulsive, etc.
Their parents are often burdened not only by their return, but by taking care of elders and other family members on lower wages. They've often had to take less-skilled jobs to make ends meet, and may still be raising their younger kids as well as grandkids now. Multigenerational households have increased in recent years. People today are going without much needed medical care, vacations, retirement savings, etc. Despite all of this, they still struggle with empty-nest syndrome and some may be reluctant to let go if a big part of their adult lives included parenting (let's face it, what parent doesn't?) Or they may not know how and think that if they solve everything and help everybody, things will go right. Inadvertently, parents who call their kids' employers, interviewers, colleges, etc. are only making their kids more dependent on them and unable to swim on their own. So that's the reality of America today.
Our kids are welcome to come back. I will miss having them around, and there is no advantage to having this big house all empty.
We were just discussion this with our daughter who is about to graduate. Just to get an apartment she needs: first last and security deposit; pots, pans, a bed, spices, utensils, a vacuum, broom mop, laundry baskets, waste baskets and although not critical important - a TV, couch, dresser, maybe some plants. A fridge, food, a dog. Then she must get renters insurance, pay a deposit for electricity, gas, phone, internet and maybe cable. Washer and dryer, or money for laundry. She also needs car insurance, health insurance, parking, car maintenance (since her brother and I are not there to fix her car when it breaks or needs maintenance).
On a teacher's salary with student loans to pay I do not see how this is possible. She could move back in and almost all of those things are available at no added cost to us. She can help with groceries and utilities some, pay her own car insurance the cell phone, and still start saving for an apartment and all the things she will need. She would benefit, we would benefit. The only problem is her stubborn demand for "independence" She wants her own place to establish she can make it on her own and does not need anyone. Seems like a waste of money to me.
Frankly I would be happy to have them stay with us until they get married, even after if it is necessary for them,
although that would be somewhat problematic.
I am not sure whether we can continue to claim them as dependents for tax purposes, but that would be a benefit. It woudl also be a big help to have them helping pay for some of the household living expenses while we are helping their siblings through school. Finally, it might be necessary to have them home so I can keep them on my health insurance until they are 26. Many companies, public entities and schools are hiring people for 29 hours a week to avoid the Obamacare obligations.
Even with our help, good sized scholarships, and working summers and weekends, our girls have had to borrow quite a bit of money for college. the concept of"putting yourself through college" is pretty much gone unless you work and go to school in alternating years, or work for four years while living at home and save every penny, then go to school.
Our kids are welcome to come back. I will miss having them around, and there is no advantage to having this big house all empty.
We were just discussion this with our daughter who is about to graduate. Just to get an apartment she needs: first last and security deposit; pots, pans, a bed, spices, utensils, a vacuum, broom mop, laundry baskets, waste baskets and although not critical important - a TV, couch, dresser, maybe some plants. A fridge, food, a dog. Then she must get renters insurance, pay a deposit for electricity, gas, phone, internet and maybe cable. Washer and dryer, or money for laundry. She also needs car insurance, health insurance, parking, car maintenance (since her brother and I are not there to fix her car when it breaks or needs maintenance).
Yes. of course. This is REALITY. Why keep trying to shield your kid from this?
I was a poor black kid from the Bronx. My momma worked 2-3 jobs her whole life to support us. I went to college only because I had good grades and got a scholarship. I had over 75K in loans to pay back by the time I graduated with my Bachelors. I am 36 now-- that wasn't that long ago.
I was determined to graduate and make a life for myself. I did, Summa *** Laude. I got a crappy apartment in Hell's Kitchen complete with a crazy roommate, furniture other people had thrown out, and lots of roaches. I worked as many jobs as I could fit into my schedule (waiter, doorman at a nightclub, retail). Daily I made the rounds with resume in hand and eventually started to pick up some freelance work in my field. After about three years of this, I landed a full time job in Chicago where I was making a living wage but still struggled to afford some of the nicer things in life. I picked up odd jobs, sold things on eBay and made ends meet. I bought a car and moved to California after I had saved up enough. I had nothing lined up, but was able to make contacts based on my exposure in Chicago and NYC. I struggled for a few months but rather quickly got my bearings, and landed on my feet. I had learned how to keep my costs low, negotiate, compete, and make my way in the world. NOTHING had been handed to me except a sense that I would be okay, that I could survive, and that I would eventually succeed.
Now I am 36 make a healthy 6 figure salary, have a great condo, partner, etc. etc. I would NOT have been able to make those moves if I hadn't had: 1) Confidence that I would be able to survive and 2) the pressing need to DO IT ON MY OWN.
I love my momma to death but she has not the means nor the inclination to coddle her kids after they are old enough to make it on their own. This is why my siblings surprise me, as mentioned in the OP. They seem to be like many on here-- lonely and encouraging their kids to stay at home and keep them company. The argument that the world has gotten more expensive and competitive would mean (to me at least) that you have to raise kids who are ready to compete-- not just live off what their parents accumulated.
I would be delighted if my kids lived at home through college and beyond, at least until they get married. My parents were the "you're 18 now, don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of people and my late teens and early 20's were a real struggle. I don't think my kids need to know hardship to appreciate what they had living in my house, which I think was some of my mother's motivation for kicking me out when I was 18. I'd rather have my kids live with me and save money for a down payment, or pay off student loans.
I feel the same.
I appreciate inter-generational households. I think it is valuable to have that time together and it provides support for both the elders and the youngers. Used to be quite common in this country. It is certainly common still in other countries. Not sure why being alone is now thought to be the ideal.
I can certainly understand the value of an inter-generational household as long as its a healthy one. From my personal observations, this is not always the case.
My SO's parents are going through a divorce. One sibling graduated from college recently and is living with mom; dad is insisting that my SO and I move in with him. Neither of us have career paths that will take us to their location. It is clear in this case that the parents are so used to parenting that they really don't know what to do with themselves once the kids have moved out and their marriage is dissolved. My SO has been on his own since college, but the "big empty house" argument is coming through loud and clear from dad. To which I say "not my problem." I like my life the way it is.
I am extremely independent and never ever EVER would consider moving in with anyone's parents no matter how well we got along. The pressure exerted by my SO's needy father is quite real and seems over the top. I worry about this when I think about starting a family with my SO. I don't want my own kids dealing with the boundary issues from grandma and grandpa. I can't understand how a parent can even think that an adult who has been living on their own for a decade with a great job would even consider moving home. But yet these people do. They echo a lot of the arguments detailed from other posters.
In my own family, I have an aunt who has three kids in their 20s who live at home because she does not want to deal with her own dysfunctional marriage. The kids are buffers. One is in school, the other two have marginal jobs (less than full time) and they just kind of hang out and "plan" what they want to do. The argument about saving money is one I have heard tons of times. But no one is ever clear on what they are saving for or when its expected that they move out.I don't think they will. I find this terribly unfair to the kids.
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Frightening! And only because my partner's family is like this. It drives him CRAZY.
