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I haven't read through this whole thread, but I can give an example from my own family. My daughter graduated from college with no savings. She could not afford an apartment. She lived with us for about a year, first looking for a job, and then, having found one, saving money for an apartment. Is that so bad? What would have been gained by us "kicking her out"? Where would she have gone?
No, it isn't so bad. Your daughter was trying to improve herself while she lived with you. She had a job and was saving money.
I feel that if a person is going through a rough time like my friend who moved home while in her 30s, and they are working to improve their situation, then there is nothing wrong with them living with mom and dad. My friend who is 35 needed a place to go to escape an abusive husband who was stalking her. Her mom and dad took her back in and it helped because they lived in another city.
The 27 year old in the previous post who sits on his rear until 5 am playing video games needs to hit the street. He is rude and disrespectful and needs to leave. I sure wouldn't put up with that. I would throw his a$$ out, change the locks, and buy a guard dog so he couldn't come back.
No, it isn't so bad. Your daughter was trying to improve herself while she lived with you. She had a job and was saving money.
I feel that if a person is going through a rough time like my friend who moved home while in her 30s, and they are working to improve their situation, then there is nothing wrong with them living with mom and dad. My friend who is 35 needed a place to go to escape an abusive husband who was stalking her. Her mom and dad took her back in and it helped because they lived in another city.
The 27 year old in the previous post who sits on his rear until 5 am playing video games needs to hit the street. He is rude and disrespectful and needs to leave. I sure wouldn't put up with that. I would throw his a$$ out, change the locks, and buy a guard dog so he couldn't come back.
Absolutely. Your friend with the abusive relationship was lucky to have a parent who provided support in a time of distress. But here is the difference-- she had previously been on her own and had children of her own. That is an entirely different circumstance than a 23 year old who takes a minimum course load in his Philosophy or Latin undergrad degree that he has been working on for 6 years while living at home, driving a car handed to him by his parents, spending his time in his room, in front of the tv or hanging out with his friends, and lamenting that minimum wage doesn't pay enough/its too hard to get a job.
So much of life is based on choices made, some parts on things you have no choice in. So much of what is being discussed in this thread really comes down to those choices.
Some people make choices that put them in less than stellar positions. They are not victims of circumstances. They are not without supportive families. They are not unable to do better. They simply choose to live with their poor choices.
As an example: one of my husband's sisters is 49 years old, has 5 children by 3 different men, 3 marriages but only one of which was to one of the fathers, has 12 grandchildren and has lived in poverty her entire adult life. It's all about her choices. She chose the men she had children with and chose not to stay with them or even force them to step up to being a father. She chose to not pursue her education. She chose to work multiple minimum wage jobs. She chose to leave her kids to fend for themselves or pass them off to relatives while working those multiple jobs. She chose to live in filthy conditions, living day to day.
This is all normal to her, the way her life just is.
The other 3 sisters are not like this. They made different choices. As did my husband. It's so very often all about choices.
Parents love their children and want to be with them. We spend 20 years of our lives doing nothing but trying to make you happy. Believe it or not, we don't do it with the hope that one day you'll leave and never see us again. We are a family and we would like to stay that way. Some people actually like being close to their families. Perhaps you'll feel differently when you have a child of your own. My mother recently moved to be near me and my child, and I am very glad that she's here. I wish more of my family were closer.
The post above is off-topic for the thread in addition to being irrelevant to the post to which you were replying. The post to which you were replying was about parents of an adult, married child wanting the married couple to move back into the parental home. It wasn't about closeness as a family, or living in close proximity, it was about a married couple with an established home moving back into the home of one of the parents.
A mentally healthy married couple under normal circumstances would not want to return to the home of either of the parents to live. Notice I wrote "under normal circumstances". If there is some emergency like a house burned down, then of course the parents' home could be a welcome and appropriate, if temporary, shelter and haven (and of course the price would be right in addition).
You are over-reacting and the reaction is overly emotional. Who in this thread said anything about children "never seeing you again" (portion of your post I bolded)? There have been threads about total estrangement between parents and children but this thread is not about that. The issue is adult children still living at home at certain ages and under certain circumstances. What does your mother moving "to be near to you" have to do with this thread? I'm sure glad you enjoy your mother's proximity, and I hope your mother enjoys it too, but she apparently did not move into your home with you. If she had, there would be at least a tangential relevance to the present thread.
You write, "We are a family and we would like to stay that way." Well, that's great, and I think the vast majority of us would agree with you about that. But the odd thing about your statement is that no one was arguing the contrary.
To the OP (whatisthedealwith): I could not rep you again, and I could not send you a direct message. (Apparently only "friends" can do that). Therefore I post this message here.
Family relationships can be a very touchy subject, as you are now finding out if you didn't realize it before. More than one poster has been defensive and has made me think "Methinks thou dost protest too much".
My point is that I admire the way you have been sticking to objective and rational responses. Keep it up!
The way tens of thousands of other poverty line Americans do-- work more than one job. You have a college degree- get temp work in an office. That pays more than minimum wage, guaranteed.
Sorry I don't have a lot of sympathy for this argument. My mom raised us by working two and three jobs cleaning houses, waiting tables, etc. It can be done. And a college degree gives you access to jobs that my momma didn't have. I got my degree and worked several jobs for a few years when I got out of school. People who posit this argument haven't really cut the cord from the parents. Think about what you would do WITHOUT mom and dad to fall back on. You would have to survive, right? What would your plan be then?
Please tell what temp agency(s) you have hit up, because I have applied too many and no luck. Even the low level office jobs are a pain to get when the sheer number of applicants greatly outnumber the open positions. Yes a college degree open up doors if you major in the right thing. If the college grad with the anthropology degree is up against the college grad with the accounting degree both for the same temp position, guess who is going to get the call? 9 times out of 10 it will be the dude with the accounting degree. And yes even the accounting grad is applying for the low level stuff because it really is tough out there.
God forbid my parents drop dead tomorrow, I would first find a way to finish my BSN as I am 2 years away about to start clincals and very exicited. That would involve taking up more loans, looking for more scholarships, begging relatives etc... If that failed then I would apply for the various management programs, UPS, enterprise etc... that don't require a specific college degree and hopefully land one of those.
I would be delighted if my kids lived at home through college and beyond, at least until they get married. My parents were the "you're 18 now, don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of people and my late teens and early 20's were a real struggle. I don't think my kids need to know hardship to appreciate what they had living in my house, which I think was some of my mother's motivation for kicking me out when I was 18. I'd rather have my kids live with me and save money for a down payment, or pay off student loans.
Agreed. Once I left home to attend college, I was pretty much on my own. I really did miss my parents and dreadfully regret that we had such a long distance relationship. Although I do wish for my kids to be independent, I would love it if they were at least in the same state.
If my kids plan on living with us while they get situated in life, that is fine with me. There will be several conditions though. You will be looking for a job and working, even if it means not working at your dream job. This will help you pay for car insurance, cell phone bills, living expenses. Secondly, it is my house, my rules. I'm not your maid---you can pick up after yourself, do your laundry, take out trash, wash your dishes, etc. I've watched my best friend be maid to her 26 year old son who thankfully moved out and got his own apartment with his gf this past year. I wouldn't tolerate some of the behavior she did.
I do have some concerns, especially with my daughter who I've written at length on these boards. I suspect that she may need much more guidance and help than the average child. Whether she attends college at this point is debatable. I predict that she will need some additional growing up time before moving to complete independence. Each situation and each family is different and one must adapt.
My parents are struggling now with one of my brothers who has moved back in with them. I don't see him moving out any time soon and they confessed to me that they have no idea what to do about him, they thought he was only coming back temporarily (after dropping out of university, for the second time) and that he would get a job and move out soon but it doesn't look like that will happen. They aren't dealing with him the best way I think though, they aren't charging him rent on a regular basis, they go and pick him up in the middle of the night when he's missed the bus or the train because he's been stupid, they don't really make him help that much with the housework (just odd jobs here and there). He can live on his own and has done before but he won't do it while its easier just to live at home.
COnfused, I have followed some of your threads about your family in other forums and I gotta give credit where credit is due. You have a good head on your shoulders, esp. considering what you dealt with (and are still dealing with).
To some others-- no, I do not have children. I have had several foster children, most with special needs. It kills me to see my nieces and nephews acting like amoebas on the sofa when I have a 16 year old with a severe cognitive impairment who is trying to get a job as a greeter at Walmart. Seriously, there is no excuse.
To my underclass born, African American ears, many of you sound downright spoiled and you seem to be paying it forward with your kids. I don't know if there needs to be some sort of social class exchange program, but many of you seem not to understand that living at home while pursuing some graduate degree in an obscure field is NOT AN OPTION for most Americans. Minimum wage? Yep, that is REALITY.
I see this every day. I broke out of my humble beginnings and am well into the upper middle class. But it never ceases to amaze me how much people who have always been comfortably situated take for granted.
As it so happens, I agree. There is very much a false dichotomy of "capable middle class or better parents kicking kids out" or "living in your middle class or better home to be choosy about jobs or graduate programs."
There are a host of other options. Some college age kids will find themselves as caregivers. Others have parents who simply can't keep them for whatever reason. That tale seems to be common among the lower class outliers who make it through college. Others move home and are allowed to due to dysfunctional family dynamics. Others stay home and use the savings to boost discretionary spending.
"Boomerang kids" have such varied stories, life circumstances, and upbringings that I wouldn't even dream of making a value judgement on whether this phenomenon, generally speaking, is a "good" or "bad" thing.
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And the relevance would be....?
